Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Haiku Review

Okay. So, in 2008 I kept track of all the movies I watched. And while I had hoped to watch 200 and I fell just one movie short of that goal, I'm actually okay with that. Because after last night when we watched Little Shop of Horrors, I couldn't think of a better film to stop on. Especially since my plan was to do a 'review' of each movie for this final day of 2008.
Of course, we've seen how I am at reviewing things, and simply reading "I thought it was okay.", "The ending could've been better." 200 times would get dull.
Instead, I present my new way of reviewing movies: Haiku Review.
Each review will be in haiku form. (Namely: five syllables here
then seven syllables here
then five syllables)
Also, it might not be fair to call these 'reviews', but more haikus that were inspired by the films. But "haiku review" is more fun to say.
I've split the reviews up into groups of 20, so as to cut down [somewhat] on the scrolling you'll have to do to read them all. Additionally, I've backtimed the entries so that they're posted in order, so you're reading this first. Because I'm just kind like that. Now that that's out of the way, please, enjoy the haikus.

Editor's note - Originally these were posted in groups of 20. After giving it some thought, I decided to split each movie into it's own individual post. However, comments had been done on some of the posts already, so they might not exactly match up.

Haiku Review: Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix

Harry grows up and
enlists himself in the war
against You Know Who

Professor Umbridge
power hungry sycophant
creepy toad-like witch!

Sirius Black dies
Oh noes! On the bright side, Cho
makes out with Harry.

Awesome wizard fight
‘tween Dumbledore and Voldy.
Still, the book? Better.

Haiku Review: Happy, Texas

Escaped convicts pose
as gay pageant experts in
a small Texas town

By which I mean, they
are pretending to be gay
the pageants aren’t gay

It’s funnier than
I’m making it sound. This is
a cute little gem.

Haiku Review: Avenging Angelo

Ugh. Stallone and Stowe
stink up the joint in this bad
so called ‘comedy’.

He’s a mafia
bodyguard, she’s his boss’
daughter. Wacky crap!

Haiku Review: Stardust

I liked this, although
I don’t remember much from
it other than …dust?

Well, there was magic
witches and swordfighting, and…
DeNiro…in drag??

Yeah, that whole scene was
a bit over the top. But
overall, good fun.

Haiku Review: What a Way to Go: Life at the End of Empire

about how civilization
is how you say… fucked

Take Inconvenient Truth
and multiply it by ten
and the news gets worse

Our way of living
is unsustainable, so
coming up – crash, burn

The ending tries to
Put a positive spin on
Things but….yeah. we’re fucked.

Haiku Review: Glass Trap

Giant killer ants
in a skyscraper! Cool! Too
bad the writing sucked

And the acting and
the special effects and the
directing and the…

Haiku Review: Antibody

Fantastic Voyage
rip-off with Lance Henriksen
and Robin Givens

Haiku Review: Spider-Man 3

No. Just no. In fact,
a thousand times no. Emo
Parker? Really? Ugh.

Haiku Review: The Simpsons Movie

Excellent. Springfield
goes to the big screen. Woohoo!
Spider-Pig? Way cute.

Haiku Review: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Yo ho, yo ho, an
overbloated sequel’s
life for me. Umm. Arr.

Haiku Review: Cloverfield

Modern day monster
movie! Cool! Pity it got
overhyped to death

And while having more
Answers would have been cool, please
don’t make that sequel

Haiku Review: Hairspray

Fun musical was
light, fluffy, forgettable
a bit like popcorn

Haiku Review: The Waterboy

Please, for the love of
God and all that is holy
stop Adam Sandler

Haiku Review: Enemy of the State

Will Smith and Gene H.
gettin’ paranoid wit’ it
in this action flick

Haiku Review: The Faculty

“Body Snatchers” done
modernized. And surprise!
It’s actually good!

Well, except for that
Horrible rendition of
Another Brick Part 2

Haiku Review: Annie

Ahh, Annie. That
feel good, amusing delight
about, um, orphans

Haiku Review: Big Top Pee-Wee

First Pee-Wee movie
was Teh Awesome incarnate
what the hell happened?

Haiku Review: Eragon

Derivative and
unoriginal story
‘bout dragons and such

But even though it
“borrowed” from Tolkien, Star Wars
Et al, I liked it

Haiku Review: Mystery, Alaska

Russell Crowe plays ice
hockey AND is sheriff
up in Alaska

Haiku Review: Live Free or Die Hard

John McClane is back!
Time for shooting up Germans
related to Snape

Wait. PG-13?
But, it’s bleeping Die Hard, man!
What about the line?

You know the catch-phrase
Yippie-kay-ay, Mother…
Bleeped out? Oh, man. Bleep!

Haiku Review: Hide and Seek

Creepy Dakota
and Creepy DeNiro
but weak-ass ending.

Haiku Review: Hellboy

Demons and Nazis
And Helldogs – cool. The love plot?
Not really so much.

Haiku Review: Across the Universe

All you need is love
and lots of amazing scenes
using Beatles songs

Set in the 60s
It didn’t have much plot wise
But it sounded great

Haiku Review: Global Effect

Stupid B-movie
about deadly virus that
some terrorists stole

Haiku Review: Falling Sky

Imagine these poems
were interspersed with family
drama and teen angst

Haiku Review: Surf's Up

CGI Penguins?
Hasn’t that been done before?
Oh well, still funny.

Haiku Review: An Ideal Husband

Oh, that Oscar Wilde
always with the wit! He’s a
Wilde and crazy guy!

Haiku Review: She's All That

…and a bag of chips?
This movie wasn’t all that
But, ehh, I’ve seen worse.

Haiku Review: Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Depp! Singing! Blood! Gore!
All that plus Bellatrix!
So much to adore!

Haiku Review: Enchanted

Disney somehow made
a princess movie for the
21st century

Haiku Review: Comic Book Villains

Dark comedy ‘bout
greed, power, and comic books
You know, the vitals.

Haiku Review: Meet the Robinsons

Convoluted flick
about time travel somehow
pulls it off with laughs

Haiku Review: The Ruins

“Let’s go camping in
the middle of sacred
ground, where evil lives”

“Uh-oh! The natives
are forcing us to be killed
by…flesh eating vines!?”

Haiku Review: A Civil Action

Company poisons
the town’s water supply so
Travolta sues ‘em.

Based on true story
Just like Erin Brokovich
Hooray for lawyers!!

Haiku Review: Dan in Real Life

Run of the mill flick
with a subdued Steve Carell
Not bad, but not great

Haiku Review: Shakespeare in Love

I’m normally not
a huge fan of romantic
movies, but this rocked.

Haiku Review: I Am Legend

Will Smith all alone
except for hundreds of
CGI monsters

Relatively good
except for weird religious
ending. What was that?

Haiku Review: Ghosts of Mars

Flashback within a
flashback within a flashback
within a flashcrap

Haiku Review: The Cider House Rules

Coming of age flick
about abortion, apples,
and princes of Maine

Haiku Review: Transformers

Dear Michael Bay, thanks
for fucking up my childhood.
Sincerely, Gen X

Haiku Review: Back to the Future

Great Scott! I don’t know
that I can do this classic
justice with haiku

Hello, McFly. When
you see Biff, say, "Hey you get
your damn hands off her!"

Enchantment Under
The Sea Dance is where Marty
Gets his folks to kiss

Thus saving the day
And making his future way
Better than his past

88 miles
Lightning, a Delorean
but we don't need roads

Haiku Review: Harvard Man

Never do acid
or it will make every
person’s face stretch out

Haiku Review: The Mist

Starts creepy and tense
so far so good, but then, worst
ending ever. Bleh.

Haiku Review: Juno

Quirky talking teen
gets pregnant then gives the babe
to Sydney Bristow

Haiku Review: Ghostbusters

Ghostbusters lesson
one: when someone asks if you’re
a god, you say yes.

Ghostbusters lesson
two: don’t cross the streams. Unless
you’re fighting Gozer

Ghostbusters lesson
the third: Dogs and cats living
together means laughs!

Haiku Review: Fright Night

This vampire movie
Was much better when I was
A geeky pre-teen

Haiku Review: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Nicholson. Crazy?
Or more sane than everyone?
The Chief could tell us.

Haiku Review: Deep Rising

Killer squid thing on
a cruise ship. Bad CGI,
bad acting. Some Treat!

Haiku Review: Premonition

JIM DIES!! Oops. Spoiler.
Well, now you won’t have to waste
your time watching this.

Haiku Review: Ghostbusters 2

Walking Statue of
Liberty, Bobby Brown and
River of Slime…WHAT

Haiku Review: Wall-E

Cuteness overload!
Who knew robots could be so
darn emotional?

Haiku Review: Mumford

Fake psychiatrist
fixes problems in small town
enjoyable fluff

Haiku Review: American Dreamz

Takes a look at what
wanting to be famous does
to a person's soul

In addition, it
was surprisingly funny
funny 'cause it's true

Haiku Review: Vantage Point

Vantage Point? More like
"what's the point?", know what I mean?
Seriously, dude.

All those big name stars
and a neat idea, but then
it just ends up meh

Haiku Review: Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs

Was simply average
Futurama can be so
much more than this was

I guess I just hold
Futurama to higher
standards. I should chill.

Haiku Review: You Can't Take it With You

Frank Capra knows how
to make movies that make you
feel good about life

Haiku Review: Blackboard Jungle

Apparently the
50's were when it all fell
apart. Blame rock, roll.

Haiku Review: The Dark Knight

Heath Ledger gives the
performance of a lifetime
his Joker's top-notch

The pencil trick still
makes me laugh, cringe, squirm at once
psychopathic fun

Bruce Wayne, Joker, Dent
Gotham sure does produce a
lot of psychos, huh?

Haiku Review: Capote

Truman may have been
a great writer but he was
self-centered and weird

Haiku Review: Instinct

Noble attempt at
filming Daniel Quinn's Ishmael
more misses than hits

Haiku Review: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

You can't go wrong with
Steve Martin as a con man
who's not all that bright

Haiku Review: Black Mask

Take one part Batman
add Universal Soldier
stir in Jet Li, bake.

Haiku Review: Hard Cash

Val Kilmer has been
in some really crap movies
this is one of them.

Haiku Review: Nancy Drew

How could anyone
not enjoy this hidden gem?
It's a mystery!

Haiku Review: The Descent

Paranoia, fear, terror
creepy-ass movie

Sigh. Except, of course,
for the illogical end
what was up with that?

Haiku Review: Casino Royale

The action in this
Bond reboot was too much. I
felt shaken, not stirred.

Also, hard to root
for the hero when he seems
smug and psychotic

Haiku Review: Earth vs the Flying Saucers

I know I'm supposed
to want Earth to win, but man
50's folks were jerks.

Haiku Review: The Terminator

Ahh, Terminator
the film that started it all
Thank you, James Cameron

What did it teach us?
Get an unlisted number
and get a dog, too.

Also, it had some
great lines. "I'll be back," for one
and, "Fuck you, asshole."

Haiku Review: Terminator 2: Judgment Day

James Cameron knows how
to inspire and terrify
teenage me LOVED this

All these years later
T2 has aged very well
effects are still great

T-1000 is
one of the best villains in
movie history

Haiku Review: The Frighteners

Peter Jackson and
Michael J. Fox try to make
Ghostbusters-ish film

Too many "effects",
piss-poor writing, dialogue
make this a must-miss.

Haiku Review: Summer of Sam

A Spike Lee joint with
the best talking dog scene since...
well, ever, really

While I'm no fan of
disco, gotta say, songs used
were quite effective.

Haiku Review: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Way to almost kill
the franchise, guys. Huge step down
in quality here.

It was okay as
an action flick, but T1
and 2 raised the bar

Problems: Stahl's Connor,
T-X sucked, Sarah is dead
and too many "jokes".

Haiku Review: Grumpy Old Men

Mattheau and Lemmon
once young, now old and wrinkled
ha ha old people.

Haiku Review: Curious George

Monkeys make you laugh
Curious George is so monkey
fun for all monkeys!

Haiku Review: The Spiderwick Chronicles

It's Narnia-lite
kind of a run-of-the-mill
fantasy for kids

Haiku Review: The Thing About My Folks

Paul Reiser and his
dad, Columbo, bond on a
cross-country road trip

Haiku Review: The Forsaken

Better than average
vampire flick. I'm surprised that
it's not more well-known

I dug the idea
of a semi-infected
vamp hunting the rest

Haiku Review: Clue

Clue never fails to
make me LOL. To make
a long story short...

Tim Curry is great
as is the rest of the cast
Best. Casting. Ever.

And now, some choice quotes:
"Mrs Peacock was a man?"
"Is that what we ate?"

"What, another door?"
"Look what happened to the cook!"
"I didn't do it!!"

Haiku Review: Primer

I don't get all the
love for this. 'Twas the most dull
time travel film yet.

Haiku Review: Hoffa

This biopic held
my interest for all three hours
great acting, writing

But while it was good
I've got nothing else to say
I mean, it's Hoffa.

Haiku Review: Impostor

Hollywood needs to
step away from the Philip
K. Dick novels now.

Haiku Review: The 13th Warrior

Banderas stars in
flick 'bout Vikings... literal
or figurative?

Haiku Review: They

What the hell was this?
Barely watchable film 'bout
demonic creatures

They dwell in the dark
and in mirrors and closets
or... they're just made up

Haiku Review: Reign Over Me

Wait... Sandler stars in
decent movie??? Oh, I see.
Don Cheadle saves it

Haiku Review: Joy Ride

Overlook the holes
in logic you could drive a
truck through, if you can

The moral is don't
pull practical jokes on truck
drivers...they'll kill you.

Haiku Review: The Queen

So it turns out that
The Queen of England really
is a human. Huh.

Haiku Review: Elektra

Prophecies, ninjas
and Jennifer Garner. Cool.
Doesn't make much sense.

Haiku Review: The Brothers Grimm

Once upon a time
Terry Gilliam made good
movies. Not this one.

This was almost like
Van Helsing had a spin-off.
That's not a good thing.

Haiku Review: Fido

Zombies! Comedy!
Social commentary! All
mixed fairly well here.

Haiku Review: Going Back

Viet Nam vets work
through personal issues by
reliving the past

It was an okay
movie, nothing great. But, hey!
It's got Lem in it!

Haiku Review: King Kong

Depressing epic
where the hero is kidnapped,
tortured, chained, and killed.

Haiku Review: Day Zero

What if they brought back
the draft? Frodo, his friends find
out in this drama

Haiku Review: The Producers

Springtime for Hitler
Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick
what more do you need?

Did I mention that
Mel Brooks wrote this and it's a
musical? 'Nuff said.

Haiku Review: Burn After Reading

"What a clusterfuck!"
Bullets, f-words, deception
and nothing is learned

Brad Pitt is a dork
Malkovich crazy, Clooney
addicted to sex

and McDormand
is obsessed with her beauty
quirky, funny folks.

Haiku Review: The Last Man on Earth

Wimpy Vincent Price
battles wimpy vampires in
weak "I Am Legend"

Haiku Review: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

The first five minutes
were awesome. The remaining
hundred? Not so much.

Haiku Review: Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day

I adore Lee Pace
AKA the Piemaker
He should get more work

Haiku Review: House on Haunted Hill

These type of remakes
are what give remakes a bad
reputation, dude.

Haiku Review: Outing Riley

Indie film about
being honest with yourself
and with family

Haiku Review: Nim's Island

Adventure, hooray!
Fun for the whole family
Book's better, I'm told.

Haiku Review: The Hollow

The headless horseman
tale gets retold in the most
boring version yet.

Haiku Review: Deep Shock

CGI eels want
to melt the ice caps and take
over the planet

Haiku Review: Marathon Man

Dustin Hoffman gets
involved with Nazis who drill
and ask, "Is it safe?"

Haiku Review: Fallen

Denzel Washington
and John Goodman star in this
thriller 'bout demons

Had some effective
scenes and it made "Time is on
my side" way creepy

Haiku Review: Metropolis

Crazy silent film
propaganda/sci-fi mix
mesmerizing film

Haiku Review: Six Days, Seven Nights

The main characters
have no chemistry and are
not compatible

In addition they
have significant others
already. And yet...

After a Jewel
of the Nile
rip-off, they both
dump their mates. So dumb.

Haiku Review: Network

'The medium is
the message' seems to be the
lesson to learn here.

And that networks will
do anything for ratings
which we've seen is true.

Haiku Review: North Country

Josey Aimes becomes
a Minnesotan miner
demands equal rights

After harassment
Aimes says, "Enough!" and sues the
bastards. You go, girl!!

Haiku Review: Me, Myself & Irene

Carrey in Jekyll
and Hyde story. Heavy on
the potty humor.

Haiku Review: Twin Dragons

Double Jackie Chan
Cool, right? Well, no, not really.
Just a so-so pic.

Haiku Review: The Out of Towners

Poor George Kellerman
New York City treats him bad
but it's fun to watch

Haiku Review: Vampires

Professional vamp
hunters in league with The Church
plus - James Woods! Kick-ass!

Haiku Review: The Never Ending Story 3

No. No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No. No.

Haiku Review: Frankenstein

Faithful, if boring
adaptation of the book
too much ham and cheese

Haiku Review: Penelope

Truly fantastic
very cute movie about
beauty, acceptance

Haiku Review: The Omega Man

Charlton Heston hams
it up in "I Am Legend"
from the '70's

May have been edgy,
controversial back then
it hasn't aged well

And while I rooted
for the infected to win
his death was empty

Haiku Review: The Pursuit of Happyness

Will Smith busts his ass
to provide a better life
back in the '80's

Haiku Review: 30 Days of Night

Finally!! Horror
flick that has, you know, horror!
The vamps were vicious

The townspeople were
the right mix of ingenious
and fodder. A+

Haiku Review: In Too Deep

We become who we
pretend to be, so careful
who you act like, yo.

Haiku Review: Platinum Blonde

Seems Hollywood has
been making the romantic
comedy for years.

Not a lot to say
'bout this lightly amusing
'31 talkie

Haiku Review: Idle Hands

Is Seth Green, like,
in every single teen film
ever made, or what?

Still, zombie-Seth Green
helps make this brain dead mess a
little more pleasant

Haiku Review: Kill Me Again

Val Kilmer has been
in some really crap movies.
This is another.

Haiku Review: Firewall

Yawn. Harrison Ford
is the best thing in this paint
by numbers thriller.

Haiku Review: Dinosaur

Pretty intense for
a children's movie, Disney,
but I forgive you.

Haiku Review: The Howling

This movie rocked when
viewed the nostalgic eyes but
upon rewatch, meh.

It may very well
be the most boring werewolf
movie ever made.

Haiku Review: Shark Hunter

Bad. One redeeming
point: It ends with everyone
dying, so there's that.

Haiku Review: Baby Mama

Fey and Poehler could
read from the phone book and I would
find it amusing

Fortunately, this
is more entertaining than
narrating phone books

Haiku Review: Shopgirl

Claire Danes, Steve Martin
give subdued performances
slow paced film works well

Haiku Review: Saw V

More pieces revealed
fifth Saw not near the first one
but better than 4

Kinda sucks that we
find out Jigsaw had a cop
under his employ

Still, good to have John
teaching morality through
death, dismemberment

Haiku Review: The Quiet American

Michael Caine's presence
transforms a so-so movie
into pretty good

Haiku Review: Rendition

Powerful movie
simple message: torture can
only bring more pain

Haiku Review: Armageddon

Mind-numbing bullshit
so just turn off your brain and
watch things explode. Boom!!

Also, Liv Tyler
and Ben Affleck are pretty.
Yay! Pretty people!!

Haiku Review: Go

It's like Pulp Fiction
with no '70's music
and less blood and sex

Haiku Review: Hollywood Homicide

Even with Lena
freakin' Olin, this was a
boring, crazy mess

It had too much flash
not enough substance... much like
Hollywood itself.

Haiku Review: Halloween: Resurrection

Resurrection? No.
I think this effectively
killed off Halloween

I mean hell, Jamie
Lee Curtis bites it in the
first fifteen minutes

And it goes down hill
from there. Busta Rhymes. Web show.
Insulting ending.

Haiku Review: Mystery Men

Best power? Toss up
between Invisible Boy
Mr. Furious

William H. Macy
kicks ass with his shovels, which
I can really dig

Haiku Review: Underdog

Surprisingly, not
as bad as the trailers led
me to believe

Haiku Review: The TV Set

Duchovny pens a
pilot that starts as one thing
ends being... not that.

Funny, although bit
predictable at times, I'd
give it a B plus

Haiku Review: The Others

I knew it!! Nicole
Kidman has been dead for years.
That explains so much!

Haiku Review: Screamers

Man's technology
will turn on him. Wow, what a
novel concept. Yawn.

Haiku Review: Chino

Bronson in a dull
revenge" western flick.

Haiku Review: The Mod Squad

Dear Hollywood, if
you must turn old shows to films,
they should entertain.

Dear Clarie Danes, I've seen
almost everything you've done.
You're better than this.

Haiku Review: The Station Agent

"Trains are good, but can't
replace people as your friends"
this movie's lesson.

Haiku Review: The Lookout

Dude gets in wreck, his
brain - scrambled. Would be robbers
manipulate him

If you're gonna rob
a bank, make sure your lookout
doesn't have morals.

Haiku Review: As Good as it Gets

Crazy, grumpy Jack
falls for Helen Hunt. Not so
grumpy, still crazy.

Haiku Review: Alien: Resurrection

Whedon plus French guy
equals 'what the fucking fuck?'
Some bits were cool, though:

The underwater
fight, the Ripley clones, and the
airlock window death.

Haiku Review: There Will Be Blood

Daniel Day-Lewis
is not a man to mess with
he drinks your milkshake

Haiku Review: Hannibal

Call me crazy, but
Hannibal was better than
Silence of the Lambs

Lecter was always
the most fascinating of
the characters, yes?

So watching him do
cat-and-mouse with Sterling was
highly rewarding

And Gary Oldman
as despicable Mason
truly amazing

Also, I liked this
performance of Clarice
a little bit Moore.

The brain-eating scene
was somewhat over-the-top
or, not to my taste.

Haiku Review: The Stickup

Twisty heist film that
had it had better acting,
could have been perfect

Haiku Review: They Crawl

Swarms of trained killer
cockroaches, military

Haiku Review: Otis

Loser Otis tries
recreating his past through
kidnapping, torture

But when his victim
has unstable family
then there's hell to pay

Haiku Review: Superman: Doomsday

Superman dies but
then comes back, but that's a clone
then he's back for real.

Haiku Review: No Country for Old Men

"What's the most you've lost
on a coin toss?" asks killer
with wacky haircut.

Haiku Review: Dirty Deeds

Australian gangsters
and U.S. Mafia mix
with deadly results

Lots of swearing and
accents and corruption and
a wonderful cast

Haiku Review: The Grudge

Spirits of murdered
people cause weird shit, like when
Buffy's head grows hands

Haiku Review: Candyman

"Candyman" times five
scary-ass horror movie
check out Madsen's hair!!

Practically every
part of "Candyman" succeeds
great plot, acting, scares

Why can't more horror
films be made like this one was?
But please, no remake!

Haiku Review: The Contractor

Hit man Wesley Snipes
befriends a little girl. Hmmm.
Sounds familiar, no?

However, even
Sarah Connor can't rescue
a film this boring

Haiku Review: Men in Black II

What the hell, Will Smith?
Et tu, Tommy Lee Jones? Sigh.
How do you guys sleep?

Pointless sequel that
was made just to make money
so not worth your time

Haiku Review: United 93

Unflinching look at
September the 11th
no jingo slant, too.

I wish this wasn't
based on actual events.
Alas, it happened.

Haiku Review: Right at Your Door

Dirty bombs go off
in L.A. Paranoia
and chaos result

Realistic feel
at least for the first three-fourths
"twist" end not needed

Haiku Review: The Water Horse

During World War
Two, a young boy befriends the
Loch Ness Monster. Yay!

Haiku Review: Fight Club

I am Jack's haikus
I hope I'm being clever
How's that working out?

Fight Club is one of
the most important films of
the modern era

Added bonus - it's
also stock full of great quotes,
and very funny

The things you own end
up owning you. I know this
'cuz Tyler knows this.

Fight Club is a call
to action, to do something,
to stop wasting life

Worker bees can leave
even drones can fly away
The Queen is their slave

Haiku Review: Futurama: Bender's Game

Geeks and losers play
Dungeons and Dragons. And we
watch Futurama

Not much of the plot
made sense, but the jokes were on.
Bring on Green Yonder

Haiku Review: Lethal Weapon IV

Sorry, not even
Chris Rock could save this. We're all
too old for this shit.

Haiku Review: Colma: The Musical

Colma has more graves
than citizens (true story!)
but... no zombies here.

Although you could say
the folks living there fight death

Mostly, though, it's just
a very real (and funny)
teen drama with songs

Haiku Review: Vacancy

Just mediocre
has moments of real tension
but then fizzles out

Haiku Review: Dude, Where's My Car?

Dude! Sweet! Dude! Sweet! Dude!
And then... some more gags. And then...
Dude! Sweet! Dude! And then...

Haiku Review: Kit Kittredge: An American Girl

Takes place during the
Great Depression. We can use
it as a primer!

Kit teaches us that
money isn't everything
friends and support are.

Hard times bring out the
best and the worst in people
watch for inept crooks

Haiku Review: Boogeyman

Horror flick that makes
no sense, but was watchable
anyway. Weird, huh?

I think in part it
was due to Barry Watson.
I know. I'm shocked, too.

Haiku Review: Fish Don't Blink

PAINFUL to watch. If
I ever meet Wil Wheaton
I'll ask, "My God... WHY??!!??"

Lea Thompson and
Richard Greico, too. What the
hell were they thinking?

Haiku Review: Stealing Time

GREAT indie heist film
bright 20-something gets brain
tumor, plans bank heist

Haiku Review: Westworld

Park breaks down, folks die
it's just like Jurassic Park
without dinosaurs

Human looking bots
kill. Just like Terminator
without time travel.

Haiku Review: Hancock

Hancock will save you
if he feels like it. Just don't
call him an asshole.

Haiku Review: How to Kill Your Neighbor's Dog

Grumpy playwright learns
lessons in humanity
from neighbor's daughter

Haiku Review: Watch It

Horrible "rom com"
that's neither romantic nor
comedic. Quite bad.

Four assholes play jokes
on each other, discuss their
love lives. Don't watch it.

Haiku Review: Triggermen

Two average joes are
mistaken for trained killers
comedy ensues

Haiku Review: Iron Man

Downey boosts movie
from 'good' to 'great' with four words
I am Iron Man

Haiku Review: Escape from New York

The epitome
of bad-ass is Snake Plissken
we thought he was dead

They force him to save
the President (of what?) from
the Duke of New York

Haiku Review: X-Men: The Last Stand

Super-powered men
and women fight each other
and inner turmoil.

If you take comics
too seriously, you may
not like this. Just chill.

Lots of messages
about acceptance and stuff
X-men are subtle.

Haiku Review: Changing Lanes

I've had it with these
motherfucking Afflecks and
motherfucking lanes

Haiku Review: Shadow of Fear

Rich lawyer blackmails
other rich lawyers but there's
no reason to care

Convoluted plot
mediocre acting and
so-so story line.

Lacey Chabert has
grown up and is super hot
aside from that, yawn.

Haiku Review: Fat Albert

Na na na gonna
have a good time. Hey! Hey! Hey!
Stupid catchy meme.

Haiku Review: Stealing Harvard

Jason Lee has to
get thirty-thou for his niece
to go to Harvard

His pal Duffy "helps"
by coming up with get-rich
quick schemes that don't work.

When Tom Green tones down
his shtick, he can be funny
which was news to me.

Haiku Review: Year of the Dog

Everyone has weird
obsessions. Peggy's is dogs
and all animals.

Mismarketed as
a romantic comedy
dark, tragic, but good.

Haiku Review: Jeepers Creepers

Siblings driving in
corn country stumble upon
killer's lair. Oops!

Killer chases them
turns out to be... a demon
who eats body parts!

Psychic warnings and
crazy cat lady and the
temple of bodies

Between creepy and
absurd there's a fine line. It
gets crossed few times here.

Haiku Review: Jeepers Creepers 2

A few days after
part 1, "The Creeper" chomps down
a basketball team.

Ray Wise, that devil,
fights back against the demon
using a ...harpoon?

Haiku Review: What Would Jesus Buy?

Reverend Billy and
the Church of Stop Shopping try,
in vain, to convert

While entertaining,
it's unlikely that this film
will have much impact

I mean, if we're not
consumers, then who are we?
Now here, go buy it.

Haiku Review: Vulgar

Dante from Clerks is
a clown who can't pay his bills
and his mom hates him

Decides he'll earn cash
working at bachelor parties
...not such a good plan.

three men rape him, beat him up
not easy to watch.

Haiku Review: The Invisible

Can we get a ghost
story that makes sense for once?
Apparently not.

And sure, this was more
a "limbo" story than ghost
but my point still stands

Haiku Review: Hearts in Atlantis

It's like Stand By Me
but with Anthony Hopkins
as an old psychic

Haiku Review: The River King

Private school kid found
dead in the river. School says
it was suicide

One cop thinks 'murder'.
Is he right, or is he just
haunted by his past?

Haiku Review: We Own the Night

It felt like something
was missing from this drama
needed more... something.

The performances
were all fine, and the story
was compelling, but...

Perhaps more turmoil
for Phoenix's character
before going clean?

Haiku Review: Zorba the Greek

Zorba says God gave
us feet so we could dance and
hearts so we could love

That Greek had a lust
for life that was infectious.
Dance! Laugh! Sing! Love! Live!!

Haiku Review: Thank You For Smoking

Smoking lobbyist
Nick Naylor is dangerous
his weapons are words.

Nick is a master
of spin, so he's great at his
job - distorting truth

Haiku Review: Real Genius

Val Kilmer has been
in a lot of crap movies
this is not one. Yay!

Of course, it isn't
all that amazing, either,
but I've seen much worse.

Haiku Review: Little Shop of Horrors

Seymour Krelborn works
for Mushnik in his plant shop.
Where? Down on Skid Row.

He pines for Audrey
but she's with Orin, who's a
dentist (Oh, Mama!)

Audrey II arrives
and brings success and fame to
Seymour - for a price.

Turns out Audrey II
needs blood to survive, and it's
always Suppertime.

Orin beats Audrey
"The guy sure looks like plant food
to me," sings Seymour.

After he's killed, the
cops suspect foul play. Audrey
is upset, but then...

Suddenly Seymour
is standing beside her with
sweet understanding

The duo plan to
marry and live Somewhere Tthat's
Green. ...but not too green.

Audrey II has plans
too. Like world domination!
That's One Bad Mother!

Seymour and the plant
battle to the death. Seymour
wins, thanks to a wire.

Yes, I know there was
an alternate ending. I
like this one better.

Monday, December 29, 2008


Get it? Because it's a look back at the year? Yeah. I know.

Anyway. I figured I'd use this penultimate blogging day to go back over the year that was, and reminisce. And perhaps link to blog entries [of my own, or of Steph's] that I liked or that highlight what I'm talking about.

So here we go.

The year started off pretty weak, with me making the soon-to-be-all-too-familiar complaint of not having anything to talk about. The beginning(ish) of the year was also when I made my "goal" of viewing 200 movies by years end. (Currently at 197, with 2 days to go. Hmmm.)
January was also the month that I composed a letter to Skynet (doing my part to assist with the extinction of the human race since 1975!) and had a really interesting realization about brains. And January was the month we pulled up the carpet and installed the tiles we currently have in the living room. Huh.


Irina turned three!!, Buffy Bowl, oh let's call it 8, happened, we had to get a brand new air conditioner/heater installed in the house, I started (but didn't finish) a story, the Steph & I hit our ten year anniversary (!!!!!!!!!!), and the girls found a lizard in the backyard. February was busy. Good thing there was an extra day thrown in.

We went on a trip to California to take advantage of Legoland's homeschooling discount.
I reviewed Smallville, mostly as a reminder to myself as to why I no longer watch it.
Easter happened.

April seemed to be the month of memes and lists.
Got tagged with six word meme. Took it to the next level.
Took a look at the top 20 played songs in our iTunes library. (I want to revisit this one day. Perhaps next April 9th?)
Also musically related, I listed the #1 songs during my birthday through the years.
And then listed the 50 best tv shows according to Empire Magazine.
I devised the Harry Potter Code [which someday, perhaps, I'll decode the entire year and post. We'll see.]
And I composed a treatise on free will, and the lack thereof. (Like I had a choice in the matter!)

In May I discovered the amazing power of cayenne pepper (it cures sore throats, and induces vampire related visions), rediscovered why we don't have cable, suffered through the Upfront for the CW's fall season, and we drove to Portland, Oregon to attend the Life is Good conference.
May was good.

Got chomped by zombies.
Started that "Library A to Z" thang.

Harper turned eight!!, and July was the month I began taking the bus on a regular basis, and Dr Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog started off amazing, then took that crap turn in the 3rd act.

August was a good month, too. The girls were able to finally see the Terminator oeuvre.
Saren turned eleven!!
And August 31st, 2008, was the date that I tried to recreate the magic of the blogathon from August 31st, 2003 ...and failed miserably.

Sarah Palin came on the scene, and being who I am, I had to compare her to Sarah Connor. [The Alaska Governor is pale in comparison. ;)]
We announced that SPISH is no longer going to be an accurate acronym for our family.
Obama schooled McCain.
Oh, and we made an entirely spur-of-the-moment and very fiscally irresponsible decision to drive to Disneyland at the end of the month.

Despite my earlier tirade against the democratic system that is in place [and I do think that a good part of it still is relevant and should be examined], I went and voted for Barack Obama {"Who ya gonna vote for?"}. I have no regrets in this regard.
...and, wow. Not a lot else really took place in October. In the real world, this was about the time that everyone was realizing that the economy was not going to magically get better, wasn't it?

Erm. Man. I just sucked at blogging in November - or at least, blogging interesting items. Thanksgiving took place, and I continued to blog my 'reviews' of the A to Z thing, but other than that... November was just blah.

It snowed, in Las Vegas!!, a few weeks before Xmas.

...And that was about it.

Saturday, December 27, 2008


Done! 26 weeks of library visits. Crazy.

It's late, so I'll make this brief. I'll simply say that I enjoyed all of the Z selections. They were Annika's recommendation of Roger Zelazny's A Night in the Lonesome October [280/after], Zox's A Line in the Sand, and the 1964 classic, Zorba the Greek.

All 3 were enjoyable and fun. I'm so glad that I ended this on a high note. I only wish I'd been able to articulate more what I appreciated about them all. Oh well. On the bright side, I definitely broadened my horizons somewhat when it comes to musical artists, authors, and even got to sneak in some movies I'd never seen before, but had always wanted to. So this was an interesting experiment, although I'm not likely to repeat it anytime soon.

To quickly recap the (half)year's picks, and give them grades here's how it would go:

Flight by Sherman Alexie -- A
We Can Breathe Under Alcohol by An Angle -- F
In Stitches by The Actual -- A
American Dreamz -- A-

Sharp Teeth by Toby Barlow -- A+
23 by Blonde Redhead -- D
Blackboard Jungle -- C-

Winkie by Clifford Chase -- D
Lord Vishnu's Love Handles: A Spy Novel (sort of) by Will Clarke -- B+
Delivery Man by Elvis Costello & The Imposters -- C+
Capote -- C

Walpuski's Typewriter by Frank Darabont -- C
Beyond by Dinosaur Jr -- C
Good Night, Witness Light by Daphne Loves Derby -- C
We All Belong by Dr Dog -- A
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels -- B-
The Descent -- A-

Category 7 by Bill Evans -- B+
The Vegas Years by Everclear -- D
What Are You On? by East River Pipe -- C+
Meet the Eels: Essential Eels 1996-2006 Vol.1 by The Eels -- A+
Earth vs The Flying Saucers -- C-

Bottomfeeder by B.H.Fingerman -- A
Critically Ashamed by FM Static -- D+
Holding a Wolf by the Ears by From Autumn to Ashes -- F
The Frighteners -- D

Mad Dogs by James Grady -- B
On a Wire by the Get Up Kids -- I don't remember, but in the 'review' post, I claimed it was just 'okay', so... C?
Grumpy Old Men -- C

Six Bad Things by Charlie Huston -- A+
White Chalk by PJ Harvey -- B-
Keep Your Eyes Ahead by The Helio Sequence -- B+
Hoffa -- B

Setting Free the Bears by JOhn Irving -- C+
Returning to the Sea by Islands & Inland Traveller by Isolation Years -- I don't remember enough about either album to grade them properly, and my reviews didn't help.
Impostor -- C+

V: The Second Generation by Kenneth JOhnson -- B-
Chase the Light by Jimmy Eat World -- C-
Joy Ride -- C

Tick Tock by Dean Koontz - F
Yours Truly, Angry Mob by the Kaiser Chiefs -- B+
King Kong -- A-

No book, and can't remember enough about the Liars albums to grade them (doh!) and Last Man on Earth gets a D+

Gil's All Fright Diner by A. Lee Martinez -- B
Heretic Pride by the Mountain Goats -- A
Rabbit Habits by Man Man -- C-
Haarp by Muse -- C
@#%&! Smilers by Aimee Mann -- B+
Marathon Man -- A-

Fear Itself by Johnathan Nasaw -- C+
Nirvana by Nirvana -- A
North Country -- A-

Because it is Bitter, and Because it is my Heart by Joyce Carol Oates -- A-
Stop the Clocks by Oasis -- B+
Blame it on Gravity by the Old 97s -- B+
The Out of Towners -- B+
Omega Man -- C-

Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk -- A+
Pretty. Odd. by Panic! At the Disco -- A
The Fragile Army by Polyphonic Spree -- A-
Texas by PlayRadioPlay! -- A-
Platinum Blonde -- B-

Smoked by Patrick Quinlan -- B+
The best of ? and the Mysterians -- C
The Quiet American -- B-

The True Meaning of Smekday by Adam Rex -- A+
Don't You Know Who I Thought I Was by the Replacements -- C-
Rendition -- A+

The Almost True STory of Ryan Fisher by Rob Stenett -- A
Don't remember enough about either musical artist (again!) and the Station Agent ranks a B.

The Orion Protocol by Gary Tigerman -- B+
Pass once again on the musical selection (so much meh that it doesn't even register in my memory banks six weeks later)
There Will Be Blood -- A+

Vacation by Olin Unferth -- B+
18 Singles by U2 -- A-
Under the Influence of Giants by Under the Influence of Giants -- I don't remember, but I liked them at the time of the review. Um. A B, then?
United 93 -- A+

Starbucks Nation by Chris Ver Wiel -- D-
The Best of the Vines -- A-
Vacancy -- C

Mr Sebastian and the Negro Magician -- A
Brain Thrust Mastery by We Are Scientists -- A
Get Behind Me Satan by the White Stripes -- A
Westworld -- B

X-Men the Last Stand -- B+

The Highly Effective Detective by Richard Yancey -- A-
Show Your Bones by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs -- A
The Eraser by Thom Yorke -- A-
Year of the Dog -- A

A Night in the Lonesome October by Roger Zelazny -- B+
Line in the Sand by Zox -- B+
Zorba the Greek -- A-


Thursday, December 25, 2008

Xmas highlights

Irina waking up early, going into the living room, and being super excited ...about the fact that Santa ate the cookies and milk.

Thunder bolts and lightning (very very frightening!)

Christmas Changa!

Christmas Pepsi!

Wii Sports Boxing (and it's not even Boxing Day.)

Seeing Chance (Steph's eldest brother), even if only for a few hours. (Plus he [semi]promised to blog more. Hooray!) Also being with the other members of Steph's extended family. I've told her before, but it bears repeating - her family is good people.

Not having to wake up at 4:30 in the morning [even if I did, at least I was able to go back to sleep]

Driving through the city and seeing the parking lots of all the stores empty. I really do love seeing cities that have been abandoned (or at least have that appearance). That's one of my all time favorite parts about going out on Xmas (or any major holiday, but really, December 25th works the best for this).

Playing Uno & Blink.

I feel like I'm forgetting some things, and I probably am, but overall it's been a good day.

And because it's tradition, Merry Humbug!!

And God Damn Us, Everyone!!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Okay, I know what I'm requesting for Xmas.


Lots and lots of sleep.

I know I won't get it, but, oh. your. god. I am exhasusted right now, and nothing sounds nicer than just not having to get up in 7 hours.

I'm not really complaining 9well, I guess I kinda am, but I don't mean to sound that way) because today was an okay day. Well, okay night. The day was ...there. Simultaneously too much to do and too little. It's hard to explain unless you're me. And even then.

Anyway. I had somethings I wanted to bloga bout and now i'm all UTP@ [because we went to Steh's mom's house for dinner, which was made the night, and also why I'm up past my bedtime. heh.] so now i'm forgetting waht I wanted to blog about.

Oh. It was new years resoltuions I thought about cmmiting to earlier today. Basically that I'd go back to working onm y writing(sS) and that I 'd go back to [and finish] The Project (which [supersigh] I haven't even *looked* at in over a year). But the thing is, I don't *do* new years resooultions anymore, because the thing is - if you're really going to change, why wait until the arbitrary date of the new year? Just freaking *do* it. Ya know? But these are sorta/kinda different (he lied to himself to justify more procrastinations) in that I'm saying that I just want to have done something by the end of 09, not that i have to immediately start on jan. 1. I could conceivably start on either (ro both) 'resolutions' tomorrow, if i wanted.

The other thnig: I've lost it again. Doh.

I ihink i'll just hit publish post now, and go to bed. Next time i blog, it'll be Xmas Day!

Sunday, December 21, 2008


Hard to believe that this A to Z project is just about over. I have no idea what we'll do next weekend when we don't have to go to the library.

While I don't normally read mysteries (not sure why, they just don't seem to 'speak' to me when I'm looking for things to read), last week when I went to the libe, there were very few Y authors to choose from, so I grabbed The Highly Effective Detective [294/good] by Richard Yancey. I was happily impressed. Teddy Ruzak, the main character, is not only highly effective, but highly amusing. He shares quite a bit in common with Columbo, at least in regard to how he seems to think. Columbo gives the appearance of being disorganized and scatter-brained. Teddy...actually is.
But somehow he manages to solve his case (and a much larger one that he stumbles upon) in the process.
Supposedly this is going to be a series, and when I went to Amazon, I saw that one other novel featuring Teddy (and presumably his brains-behind-the-scenes-secretary, Felicia) has been written. Once it arrives at the library, I have a feeling I'll check it out.

There were a slightly wider array of Y artists in the music, so I was able to get two CDs this go around. Both appealing, amazingly.
Show Your Bones by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Really really good. I'd heard "Gold Lion" on the radio before, and found it supremely infectious. The rest of the disc is just as good. Hilarious comment from Steph while listening to it in the van today:
Steph: "Whoever this is, is too repeaty."
Me: [laughs] "The name of the band is the Yeah Yeah Yeahs."
Steph: "Well, there ya go."
And then, later, track 9 began skipping, which caused Saren to comment, "Wow. They really *do* repeat a lot."

Steph does have a point that a lot of the lyrics are repeated during the songs, but that's the job of pop music. If a song repeats the lyrics multiple times, it's more likely that it'll stick in your head later.

The other disc I got was Thom Yorke's solo work, "The Eraser".
Now, I like Radiohead, but I don't find them the be-all/end-all that most critics seem to. I can take them or leave them. Thom Yorke sans Radiohead is ...actually better. But I think the best way to sum him up is: He straddles the line between genius and annoying. And mostly stays on the genius side.

Slim pickings in the movie department, but I was able to find a film I liked: Year of the Dog.
I was surprised to like it, because it starred Molly Shannon, who I typically find irritating. But the writing seems to play to her strengths, or maybe it's because she wasn't trying to be ha ha funny in this movie. Either way, Year of the Dog was an interesting film about people, animals, relationships, and obsessions, and how they can interact. Molly Shannon's character, Peggy, loves her dog, Pencil. But after Pencil unexpectedly dies, Peggy realizes that she's filled her life's emptiness with her dog. The film chronicles her attempt to fill the void left from Pencil's death.
One thing to note is that the trailer and the poster for the film market it as a light hearted romantic comedy. No. Not nearly at all, really. But if you ignore that aspect and just watch the movie as it really is - a tragic character study - you'll probably enjoy it a lot more.

Friday, December 19, 2008

No sir, I don't like it.

I've decided that I don't like winter. Or maybe it's December I dislike. Or at least December 19th. Or at the very least, December 19th, 2008.
I seriously just want to crawl into a hole and hibernate until it's not cold and I don't have a headache anymore.
I suspect that if I get a good night's sleep and my headache goes away, my outlook will improve vastly, because there are plenty of things to be happy about right now, but with the pounding in my skull, it's difficult to focus on them.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Snow Day

As Stephanie pointed out in her blog entry, today, it snowed. In Las Vegas.


In fact, as I type this at 7:34pm, it is still snowing. (It started a little after noon, and has only stopped for a few minutes at a time this evening)

Snow in Vegas isn't completely unheard of, but having it stick, and having this much of it (the news has been reporting that we might end up with between 3 and 6 inches by the end of the night) is pretty uncommon. So much so that the entire 5pm newscast on KTNV was devoted to the weather. The entire newscast. Without commercial breaks. In addition, they preempted the 7pm show, said they're going to preempt the 10pm program (which is a network program, and is usually a very big deal. ALthough it's Dirty Sexy Money they're preempting, which has been cancelled, so the network probably doesn't care)
The snow is pretty exciting. The girls have been buzzing all night. I even went out during work and stood in the snowfall for a while. I'm extremely glad I didn't have to drive in this nonsense, because if there are two things that do not mix, it is Vegas drivers and any slight change in the weather.

How long it will stay is anybody's guess, although Saren did make a snowball and store it in our freezer, so even after the weather warms back up, we'll be able to remember when our landscape looked a lot like Christmas.

Monday, December 15, 2008

2009 Predictions

Okay, I'm not really psychic, so to help me figure out what lies ahead in the new year, I'm doing what hundreds have done before me, and turning to the Bible.

What I'll be doing is putting the bible quote from each book's chapter 20, verse 09, [where applicable] and then giving my interpretation of what that means will happen in 2009.

All of the quotes were taking from, using the New International Version.

Here we go!

Genesis: Then Abimelech called Abraham in and said, "What have you done to us? How have I wronged you that you have brought such great guilt upon me and my kingdom? You have done things to me that should not be done."
Obviously Abimelech is Obama, and he's gonna hold accountable some of the previous administration.

Exodus: Six days you shall labor and do all your work
Oh, man. I'm totally going to be working (at least) two jobs. That sucks. But it's also good, because we need the money.

Leviticus: 'If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother, and his blood will be on his own head.
I suspect this has something to do with either Suri or one of those Britney Spears kids.

Numbers: So Moses took the staff from the LORD's presence, just as he commanded him.
Um. ...have I ever previously mentioned my theory about how the Bible is actually a book full of gay porn?

Deuteronomy: When the officers have finished speaking to the army, they shall appoint commanders over it.
Well, this is a gimme. Obviously the US will be dispatching more troops to Afghanistan. [sigh]

Joshua: Any of the Israelites or any alien living among them who killed someone accidentally could flee to these designated cities and not be killed by the avenger of blood prior to standing trial before the assembly.
One of two things. Either The Fugitive is going to happen, and a (famous?) doctor will be framed by a one-armed man OR alien beings are going to be discovered to be living among us, and one of them will accidentally murder a human, causing a huge uproar. The alien will go on the run, trying to avoid capture by Tommy Lee Jones.
In the end, it will turn out that the alien was actually innocent, and was framed by a one-armed doctor.

Judges: But now this is what we'll do to Gibeah: We'll go up against it as the lot directs.
Exactly. This means that people will continue to do as they're told.

Ruth: n/a

1 Samuel: "Never!" Jonathan said. "If I had the least inkling that my father was determined to harm you, wouldn't I tell you?"
2009 is the year they're going to remake Dawson's Creek?

2 Samuel: Joab said to Amasa, "How are you, my brother?" Then Joab took Amasa by the beard with his right hand to kiss him.
See my previous comment about gay porn.

1 Kings: So he replied to Ben-Hadad's messengers, "Tell my lord the king, 'Your servant will do all you demanded the first time, but this demand I cannot meet.' " They left and took the answer back to Ben-Hadad.
There's going to be an earthquake in India in July. It will be a 7.4, and will result in hundreds of people being killed.

2 Kings: Isaiah answered, "This is the LORD's sign to you that the LORD will do what he has promised: Shall the shadow go forward ten steps, or shall it go back ten steps?"
Expect big breakthroughs in quantum physics. Perhaps even a discovery of a "shadow universe" where adventures abound.

1 Chronicles: n/a [only goes to 20:08]

2 Chronicles: 'If calamity comes upon us, whether the sword of judgment, or plague or famine, we will stand in your presence before this temple that bears your Name and will cry out to you in our distress, and you will hear us and save us.'
Wars, plagues and famine will happen. People will suffer, and pray to god(s) to save them.
Same as it ever was.

Nehemiah: n/a
Esther: n/a

Job: The eye that saw him will not see him again; his place will look on him no more.
"Zee goggles! Zey do nothing!!" [okay, that's not really a prediction, but it's a funny Simpsons quote, which is just as good]

Psalms: O LORD, save the king! Answer us when we call!
Yeah, we covered this in 2 Chronicles. God (more than likely) ain't gonna help.

Who can say, "I have kept my heart pure; I am clean and without sin"?
Miley Cyrus will be in the news for...something.

Ecclesiastes: n/a
Song of Solomon: n/a
Isaiah: n/a [20:06]
Jeremiah: But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.
California wildfires! Another gimme.

Lamentations: n/a
Ezekial: But for the sake of my name I did what would keep it from being profaned in the eyes of the nations they lived among and in whose sight I had revealed myself to the Israelites by bringing them out of Egypt.
Oh, crap. Some international crisis, it sounds like.

Daniel: n/a
Joel: n/a
Amos: n/a
Obadiah: n/a
Jonah: n/a
Micah: n/a
Nahum: n/a
Habakkuk: n/a
Zephaniah: n/a
Haggai: n/a
Zechariah: n/a
Malachi: n/a
"The workers who were hired about the eleventh hour came and each received a denarius.
Expect more outsourcing.

Mark: n/a
Luke: He went on to tell the people this parable: "A man planted a vineyard, rented it to some farmers and went away for a long time.
Not only more outsourcing, but more hiring of illegals.

John: (They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.)
ZOMBIE UPRISING!!! (I thought it wasn't happening until 2012, but I guess it's coming early. Around June 13th, perhaps?

Acts: Seated in a window was a young man named Eutychus, who was sinking into a deep sleep as Paul talked on and on. When he was sound asleep, he fell to the ground from the third story and was picked up dead.
I don't know, but that's freaking creepy.

1 Corinthians:
2 Corinthians:
1 Thessalonians:
2 Thessalonians:
1 Timothy
2 Timothy
1 Peter:
2 Peter:
1 John:
2 John:
3 John:

Revelation: They marched across the breadth of the earth and surrounded the camp of God's people, the city he loves. But fire came down from heaven and devoured them.
Well, that can't be good.

Hope aught-nine turns out to be a pleasant one for all of you!

Saturday, December 13, 2008


Bah ha ha ha ha.
Um. Yeah, no. I was unable to find any authors whose last name began with the letter X (I thought of later, reading Malcolm X's autobiography, which may have been cheating, plus, all of the books have so far been fictional) so I read nothing [0/ ]this week.

Didn't fare much better in the other realms, either...

The only artist at the library was X, with their album Los Angeles, which ...I actually didn't listen to all the way through.
It's not that it wasn't good, it's just that I wasn't much in the mood for punk music. [shrug]


X-Men: The Last Stand was the only X movie that the library had in stock, so, I picked it up, despite having not seen the previous two stands that the X-Men made. Going in blind, as it were, may have been helpful, actually, because I seem to remember that when X-Men 3 came out that many people were moaning about how horrible it was.
I rather enjoyed it, for what it was. I mean, sure there were a good many moments that had me rolling my eyes and/or sighing, but overall, it was a pleasant 90 or so minutes. It was interesting to see how much Heroes really has "borrowed" from the X-Men, and now I finally get all the references people were making to Jean Grey/Phoenix during the Dark Willow crap from Season 6 of Buffy. (Wolverine didn't need to stab her, he just needed to talk to her about purple crayons!)
So, I don't know that I really need to see parts 1 & 2, but I'm not unglad that I saw 3, if that makes any sense.

Overall, I think we'll call X my "free pass" letter. Hopefully "Y" yields better results.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Brain Cramp

Recent things which have caused brain crampage:

The Killers song, "Human" contains the lyric, "Are we human, or are we dancers?"
Um. Unless you're talking about Cameron from Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, dancers are human.
Also, it's super bugging me because while I know that he's singing "dancers", he doesn't really pronounce the "s", so maybe he's asking, "Are we human, or are we Dancer?" (as in one of Santa's reindeer.) Which doesn't make much logical sense, but that's the whole point of what I'm getting at.

Speaking of songs with nonsensical lyrics: Panic at the Disco's "Nine in the Afternoon" isn't exactly brimming with logic. It drives Steph crazier than me, because 9pm is technically after noon, but I can see why it causes the brain cramp.

And last night I saw a billboard that just absolutely takes the cake.
It was blue with yellow letters and all it said was:
If Jesus Be For You, Who Be Against You?

.... I mean... WHAT??
What in the world are they trying to say there? And why aren't they using proper English to ask it? And ...I mean there wasn't even a church assigned to claiming it (although really, who would want to?), it was just the cryptic words, staring down at the freeway, waiting for drivers to have accidents due to severe spasms from the powerful smack of nonsense bombarding their senses.

I've tried to make some sense of it today, and I can sorta think that maybe they were alluding to the phrase about "Is this Jesus I see before me" (that is a phrase, right?) but... even so, that doesn't ... [sigh] Seriously, certain folks should just not be allowed to make billboards.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Less consumerism? I'd buy that.

For a dollar.

I was meaning to make my " 2009 prediction" post tonight, but then we went grocery shopping and then it got all late, and I got tired, and it's really something that is going to require me having more energy than I do now. Next time? Mayhaps.

Bizarre question of the moment: What mythological/fictional creature do you think tastes best? I'd go with either Griffin, or Mermaid. Depending on whether I wanted chicken or fish.

Tomorrow the Steph & I are going to drop the kids off at Steph's mom's house and go out for dinner (and perhaps a movie). But is there even anything out in the theaters to go see? I've heard really good things about a certain vampire movie, but I don't think Steph wants to see it. If we can't decide/find something to see, we'll probably simply pick up Iron Man from a Redbox location and watch that at home. Such exciting lives we lead!

Sunday, December 07, 2008


I read Daniel Wallace's Mr Sebastian and the Negro Magician [257/know]. Steph had read it before, and had enjoyed it while reading it, but warned me that she hated the ending.
I had a similar experience. For the majority of the novel, I was under the spell of the story(ies) of Henry Walker, Negro Magician, and his encounters with the Devil (one Mr. Sebastian). Each chapter was another section of Henry's life, as told by a different character. Having all these differing points of view made getting at the "truth" of Henry's life a mystery, much like life itself. Everyone has their own perspectives and nobody really has the full story.
I didn't hate the ending, but I did feel that it sizzled out and was just simply... there. Again, I guess, somewhat like life. There is no real resolution, and you're left wanting more than you've gotten.
But Daniel Wallace (who also wrote Big Fish - which I've seen in movie form, but have not read) is obviously a great writer and adept storyteller, so I'd recommend this easily.

Two W cds, both remarkable! Hooray!
Brain Thrust Mastery by We Are Scientists is their second album (i've heard [and enjoyed] the first already) and I think they keep getting better. This was just a great album.
And, of course I've heard of The White Stripes before, and I knew I liked the singles on the radio I've heard (except for Icky Thump, which continues to be a horrible song), but I wasn't sure if they'd withstand the test of an entire album. So I picked up Get Behind Me Satan, and was happy to find that they freaking ROCK. So much goodness. This album certainly makes up for Icky Thump.

I watched Westworld, and practically the entire time watching it was thinking, "Man, I'm amazed this hasn't been remade already. It's ideal for a remake!" After it was over, I saw on IMDB that it is being remade next year. I don't know whether to feel vindicated, or just sad. On the bright side, it appears that Michael Crichton was the one who helped write the remake (he wrote and directed the original) so ...maybe it won't suck?
The '73 version was enjoyable enough, for what it was. I almost felt that a better movie might have been seeing Peter Benjamin's character dealing with the aftermath of Westworld's meltdown. Also, due to being a 21st century (digital boy [heh]) movie-viewer, I kept expecting some "twist" - perhaps Josh Brolin to have been a robot all along. ...and hopefully I didn't just give the makers of the remake any ideas. Because, seriously, that would be crap.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Where did I put that well written, interesting blog post?

I had it here a minute ago.

Oh well.

Here's an idea I had for bank security. Rather than having a silent alarm button for the tellers to push, they should have some sort of audio system, wherein the teller (or a manager, or any employee) says a codeword that activates the alarm system and/or alerts the police. The computer could be voice activated and set to only recognize the voice(s) of employee(s), and the codeword itself could be something that wouldn't be normally said. "Pineapple" or "Saccharine", for example. Of course, how would they explain saying that aloud without alerting the would-be robbers?
So, I guess it's not a perfect system, but, hey, I just thought of it today.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

The framework farms in the mystery

Random! (I constantly type an "e" at the end that word. Ran dome!! As in, "Tina Turner ran the [Thunder]Dome."

I must be strong. Dean Koontz has a new novel out. It's called, "Your Heart Belongs to Me" (How does he know!??), and I've already caved and read the jacket to see what it's about. Rich Internet Guru Guy has some medical condition and needs a heart transplant. He gets it. One year later, he begins to receive anonymous presents in the mail - all heart shaped or related. Eventually he gets a video of a heart surgery along with the message, "Your Heart Belongs to Me", and supposedly they're all coming from the woman who donated the organ.
It...sounds intriguing, I must admit. But I have to stay away. I know I'll be disappointed if I read it.

I've got a brilliant idea for the end of the year's post(s).

We received our first Xmas card of the season. It came from my parents, and also contained a check! So beneficial. Since things are extremely tight right now, the money is truly a blessing.

Speaking of Xmas cards...I don't think we're sending any out this year. Things really *are* that tight. Stamps are a luxury. Even with the 'bailout' from my folks, I just don't think we can afford to send out a bunch of holiday greetings. Sorry, everyone!

I kinda want to see The Day The Earth Stood Still. (The remake) Although I've never seen the original. But! The original is on Netflix for me to watch if I so choose. Has anyone seen that movie and have any input?

So, movies are remade all the time. Occasionally tv shows get reimagined and thus, remade as well. Songs are covered from time to time. But... why aren't entire albums remade? I don't know that it would go over very well, but it's an interesting idea that, if done with the right band(s) might be pretty cool.

Oh, man. There are only 4 weeks left in the year, and then 3 weeks until Lost returns.

Well, Pushing Daisies is on. Hooray!

Monday, December 01, 2008

Final stretch

I don't think I've ever been so glad to see December arrive. One more month of blogging every other day, and then I'm through with this horrid self-imposed challenge.

And you may be asking, "If it upsets you so, why continue doing it?"

And I would answer, "That's just the way I am."

In non-blogging news, our Wii has returned to us!! Joy!!
A few weeks back, there was an incident where the Wii and the floor were introduced to each other. They...don't exactly see eye to eye, it turns out.
As a result, for a while, the Wii would not accept Wii discs. (It still took Gamecube discs just fine.) So, we shipped the Wii off to the Wii repair land, and today they've returned it, and it's functioning again. Woot!, as the children say.

Oh, and since I forgot to do it last time: Here is the wordle cloud for November.