2009 Predictions

Okay, I'm not really psychic, so to help me figure out what lies ahead in the new year, I'm doing what hundreds have done before me, and turning to the Bible.

What I'll be doing is putting the bible quote from each book's chapter 20, verse 09, [where applicable] and then giving my interpretation of what that means will happen in 2009.

All of the quotes were taking from biblegateway.com, using the New International Version.

Here we go!

Genesis: Then Abimelech called Abraham in and said, "What have you done to us? How have I wronged you that you have brought such great guilt upon me and my kingdom? You have done things to me that should not be done."
Obviously Abimelech is Obama, and he's gonna hold accountable some of the previous administration.

Exodus: Six days you shall labor and do all your work
Oh, man. I'm totally going to be working (at least) two jobs. That sucks. But it's also good, because we need the money.

Leviticus: 'If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother, and his blood will be on his own head.
I suspect this has something to do with either Suri or one of those Britney Spears kids.

Numbers: So Moses took the staff from the LORD's presence, just as he commanded him.
Um. ...have I ever previously mentioned my theory about how the Bible is actually a book full of gay porn?

Deuteronomy: When the officers have finished speaking to the army, they shall appoint commanders over it.
Well, this is a gimme. Obviously the US will be dispatching more troops to Afghanistan. [sigh]

Joshua: Any of the Israelites or any alien living among them who killed someone accidentally could flee to these designated cities and not be killed by the avenger of blood prior to standing trial before the assembly.
One of two things. Either The Fugitive is going to happen, and a (famous?) doctor will be framed by a one-armed man OR alien beings are going to be discovered to be living among us, and one of them will accidentally murder a human, causing a huge uproar. The alien will go on the run, trying to avoid capture by Tommy Lee Jones.
In the end, it will turn out that the alien was actually innocent, and was framed by a one-armed doctor.

Judges: But now this is what we'll do to Gibeah: We'll go up against it as the lot directs.
Exactly. This means that people will continue to do as they're told.

Ruth: n/a

1 Samuel: "Never!" Jonathan said. "If I had the least inkling that my father was determined to harm you, wouldn't I tell you?"
2009 is the year they're going to remake Dawson's Creek?

2 Samuel: Joab said to Amasa, "How are you, my brother?" Then Joab took Amasa by the beard with his right hand to kiss him.
See my previous comment about gay porn.

1 Kings: So he replied to Ben-Hadad's messengers, "Tell my lord the king, 'Your servant will do all you demanded the first time, but this demand I cannot meet.' " They left and took the answer back to Ben-Hadad.
There's going to be an earthquake in India in July. It will be a 7.4, and will result in hundreds of people being killed.

2 Kings: Isaiah answered, "This is the LORD's sign to you that the LORD will do what he has promised: Shall the shadow go forward ten steps, or shall it go back ten steps?"
Expect big breakthroughs in quantum physics. Perhaps even a discovery of a "shadow universe" where adventures abound.

1 Chronicles: n/a [only goes to 20:08]

2 Chronicles: 'If calamity comes upon us, whether the sword of judgment, or plague or famine, we will stand in your presence before this temple that bears your Name and will cry out to you in our distress, and you will hear us and save us.'
Wars, plagues and famine will happen. People will suffer, and pray to god(s) to save them.
Same as it ever was.

Ezra: n/a
Nehemiah: n/a
Esther: n/a

Job: The eye that saw him will not see him again; his place will look on him no more.
"Zee goggles! Zey do nothing!!" [okay, that's not really a prediction, but it's a funny Simpsons quote, which is just as good]

Psalms: O LORD, save the king! Answer us when we call!
Yeah, we covered this in 2 Chronicles. God (more than likely) ain't gonna help.

Proverbs: Who can say, "I have kept my heart pure; I am clean and without sin"?
Miley Cyrus will be in the news for...something.

Ecclesiastes: n/a
Song of Solomon: n/a
Isaiah: n/a [20:06]
Jeremiah: But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.
California wildfires! Another gimme.

Lamentations: n/a
Ezekial: But for the sake of my name I did what would keep it from being profaned in the eyes of the nations they lived among and in whose sight I had revealed myself to the Israelites by bringing them out of Egypt.
Oh, crap. Some international crisis, it sounds like.

Daniel: n/a
Hosea: n/a
Joel: n/a
Amos: n/a
Obadiah: n/a
Jonah: n/a
Micah: n/a
Nahum: n/a
Habakkuk: n/a
Zephaniah: n/a
Haggai: n/a
Zechariah: n/a
Malachi: n/a
Matthew: "The workers who were hired about the eleventh hour came and each received a denarius.
Expect more outsourcing.

Mark: n/a
Luke: He went on to tell the people this parable: "A man planted a vineyard, rented it to some farmers and went away for a long time.
Not only more outsourcing, but more hiring of illegals.

John: (They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.)
ZOMBIE UPRISING!!! (I thought it wasn't happening until 2012, but I guess it's coming early. Around June 13th, perhaps?

Acts: Seated in a window was a young man named Eutychus, who was sinking into a deep sleep as Paul talked on and on. When he was sound asleep, he fell to the ground from the third story and was picked up dead.
I don't know, but that's freaking creepy.

Romans:
1 Corinthians:
2 Corinthians:
Galatians:
Ephesians:
Philippians:
Colossians:
1 Thessalonians:
2 Thessalonians:
1 Timothy
2 Timothy
Titus
Philemon:
Hebrews:
James:
1 Peter:
2 Peter:
1 John:
2 John:
3 John:
Jude:
Revelation: They marched across the breadth of the earth and surrounded the camp of God's people, the city he loves. But fire came down from heaven and devoured them.
Well, that can't be good.

Hope aught-nine turns out to be a pleasant one for all of you!