Ape10 episode 5: 15 Minutes

Ape10 smiled and thanked his friends. "Thanks, guys. You're both right, of course. Worrying about the future is completely pointless. Whatever happens, happens. From now on, "Inevitable, schminevtable" is my motto. Besides, the future can't be as bad as she predicted."

"Ohhhllllldderryouu?" Zombielyn mentioned.

Ape10 brightened up. "You know, Zombielyn, that's a pretty good idea. Maybe I will do ..."

Just then, the Time Blender appeared in the park. Before anyone could react to the appearance of a second time travelling appliance, the machine opened, and a chimpanzee walked out of it. "Hello, Ape10. I'm Ape10."

*****

The two apes stared at each other.

The chimpanzee who had emerged from the Time Blender said, "Uncanny, isn't it?"

Spark scanned the newcomer and said aloud, "As unlikely as it sounds, it appears that this person is indeed..." he turned to Ape10, "...you."

The visitor, upon seeing Spark, gave the robot a friendly embrace. "SPARK!! I'm so glad to see you! Stay right here. I've got something for you!" The primate scrambled back into the Time Blender and returned with a box wrapped in wrapping paper. "You can consider me Mr. Christmas Yet To Come." he said, smiling at his joke. He then unwrapped the box, revealing a package of Hot Pockets, among other things. He handed the microwaveable meals to Spark and said, "I know they're your favorite."

Spark smiled and said, "Thank you....Ape10 ....to be."

Zombielyn warned Spark, "Eeennnjoy. Faaaaahhht."

At that, Ape10-2b said, "Zombielyn! Oh, dear! You look just as I remember you! So dead and full of life!" He reached into the box and dug around, pulling out a carton marked "Fresh Pork Brains." He handed them to the undead woman and said, "For you."

Zombielyn smiled, and took the tasty treat. "Yuuuuuhhm!"

Ape10-2b then asked, "Where's Steggy?" Upon receiving a few blank stares, he realized his error and said, "Oh. Right. You guys haven't met her yet."

"Hmm." He said, more to himself than aloud, "I wonder how far back I've gone." Then, to his younger-self, Spark, and Zombielyn, he asked, "Have you encountered the Diaper Sniper?"

"No." Spark said.

" The Bagel Boy Band?"

"Nuh-uh." said Ape10.

"The gutalielidnaeiarians?"

"Noooooh." Zombielyn said.

Ape10-2b scowled. "Wow. I came back further than I thought. What episode am I in? Um. You've at least encounted Belinda the witch, right? Or Bluebush? Tell me I'm not pre-episode one."

The trio confirmed that, yes, they had met and dealt with the evil that was Belinda. "And Bluebush is still out there," Ape10 said, "but we'll bring him to justice eventually."
He paused.
"Right?"

Ape10-2b smiled and said, "That's what I'm here to tell you about. Your future! Or, really, OUR future."
He instructed Ape10 and the others to sit down, then grabbed a television and DVD player, along with some DVDs, out of the Time Blender.
"What I have here," the visitor from the future said, waving the DVDs, "is what you will do in the next twenty years."

Ape10 looked skeptical. "I'm going to make movies?"

Ape10-2b said, "Well, no. But there will be movies made about you. Ben Stiller does a pretty good job, too. I don't know if it's Oscar worthy, but still."

"Ben Stiller looks nothing like me." Ape10 pouted.

Ape10-2b shrugged, and set up the entertainment center. "Are you ready for a glimpse into the future?" he asked.

"Wait!" Spark interrupted. "Before you do this, we must consider the consequences of the actions we are about to partake. Having Ape10 know what his future is will undoubtedly alter what decisions he would normally have made, and that will cause unknowable ripples through the space-time continuum. Billions of lives will be changed drastically based on the choices that Ape10 makes. Having insight into what is "supposed" to take place will taint the future, perhaps in ways that we should not change. Fate is not something to be messed with, and the flow of natural chronology should remain intact and pure. There also is the possiblity of creating a paradox that would destroy the universe as we know it. The chance of a time-disparity ripping the threads of reality apart is, by my calculations, 65.31%.

In short, I don't know if we should watch those DVDs."

The two Ape10s looked at Spark and replied in unison, "Meh."

Spark shrugged and sat down to enjoy the show.

Ape10-2b placed the first DVD into the player. "This is a copy of VH1's documentary on you, VH1's Behind the Monkey. It was made ...it will be made after your initial rise to fame. Well, you'll see."
The ape pushed play, and the documentary began....
NARRATOR:
Ape10. Arguably the world's most famous primate, the shape-shifting monkey wasn't always world-known. From his humble beginnings in the little town of Azwood to his rise as international superstar, to his eventual downfall and his comeback, this is Behind the Monkey!

Ape10 paused the video. "What did he mean, 'eventual downfall'?"

Ape10-2b looked uncomfortable and said, "Oh. You know how these things are. Let's just watch the show and I'll explain more at the end."

The video resumed:

NARRATOR:
Not much is known of Ape10's origins. The only mammal with the capability to physically alter his DNA at will has been quite reclusive in speaking about his past. Even his best-selling autobiography, "Monkey Musings", did not delve into the details of his birth and childhood. Many conspiracy theories have been put forward. Some believe that Ape10 is alien in nature, and that he is the first of an intergalactic invasion.

"Pfft! Alien invasion!?!" Ape10 said in disbelief. "I'm not planning on invading anyone."

The NARRATOR continued:
Others believe that Ape10 is an agent of the United States Government.

"Please! I wouldn't work for any government!"

NARRATOR:
Or an advanced being from the distant future of Earth.

Ape10-2b sort of nodded his head and said, "Well, they've got me there."

NARRATOR:
Most people, of course, pay these theories no heed, and are content with simply enjoying all that Ape10 does to entertain.

(shot of crowd screaming for Ape10)

NARRATOR:
Of course, Ape10 was not always in the entertainment business. He began by fighting crime. Primarily in the city of Azwood. The first time he was noticed by the public was at the Azwood West Mall, where he and fellow crime fighter Zombielyn Monroe fought off a horde of rogue minotaurs.

(cut to a woman, about 40ish, onscreen graphic IDs her as "Sarah Faraday, Azwood citizen")

SARAH:
I was at the Azwood Mall that day. I used to work there. I saw Ape10 yelling at some poor boy, and I felt sorry for him - the boy, not Ape10 - but then that kid made these half-bull things come out of nowhere and surround him. And that zombie woman. Those minotaurs were pretty awful, so I left in a hurry. I thought they were goners for sure.

NARRATOR:
But Zombielyn and Ape10 were not goners. Using ingenuity, muscle, and some old fashioned luck, the monkey and the undead starlet, along with their robotic pal, Spark, fought many such battles. Not only in Azwood, but all over the world, and all throughout history. This was due to the Time Blender, an appliance that allows those inside of it to visit moments in the past. Such a powerful tool has provided Ape10 with many moments of distress. In his own words:

(shot of Ape10, onscreen graphic IDing him as "Ape10")

APE10:
The Time Blender, of course, could be quite dangerous in the wrong hands. But Spark is the only one that knows how to operate it correctly. He provided me lessons before we split up, of course, but I'm nowhere near as good a pilot as he was.

Spark and Ape10 looked at Ape10-2b in shock. "Split up?" Spark asked. "Why...?"
But Ape10-2b was not in the mood to answer questions. He pretended to not hear the question and instead remained focused on the program.

NARRATOR:
Ape10's existence became known worldwide when a reporter for the Azwood Times wrote an award winning article on the monkey.

REPORTER:

This boy was the one that tipped me off. He told me that there was a talking monkey living in the park, along with a robot and a dead woman. At first I thought he was pulling my leg, but there was something about that kid...
Anyway, once I saw Ape10 for myself, I knew that his story would be big.

NARRATOR:
And, indeed, it was big. In the months that followed, Ape10 found himself in the center of public attention.

APE10:
It was difficult to fight any crime. Or even go anywhere without being harrased. Zombielyn told me that fame was a hassle, and she was right. Eventually, I couldn't take living in Azwood anymore - too many people knew where I lived, bothered me all the time. I felt like I was in a zoo, for crying out loud. So I did a very stupid thing. I got an agent, and, on her suggestion, moved out to Hollywood. Rahter than fighting for my normal life back - something the old Ape10 would've done - I surrendered to the monster that was stealing my friends away from me. If I could go back and do it differently, I would. Sure, I got to meet several celebrities, but...I sometimes miss the Good Old Days with Zombielyn and Spark.

NARRATOR:
Ape10's move to TinselTown put a strain on the relationship between him and his former colleagues.

SPARK:
I told him that becoming big isn't all it's cracked up to be. You'd think he'd've listened to me. Nope. Sometimes that ape can be a real ass.
Zombielyn and I stayed behind in Azwood, at least until that ordinance from The Man came down, making Azwood an Anti-Zombie Zone. Poor Zombielyn got run out of town by an angry mob. Not that there's any other kind. I've run across my fair share of mobs, and finding a happy mob is a true rarity. But, yeah, the townsfolk got it into their heads that zombies were evil, and

The video was paused.

"Fuuuuuuhhhhttturreyuuuchk."

"I would never leave my friends! And you're telling me that The Boy becomes The Man ...and he is in a position of power?? Who in their right mind would let The Man tell them what to do?? And why aren't I stopping it?! Future-me sucks!" Ape10 was quite irate.

Spark had an idea. "Wait right here!"
The robot found a bucket of paint and said, "Watch the screen. If this works, we should be okay."
Spark then painted his head green. The Spark on the DVD suddenly had a green head too!

"YES!" Spark exclaimed.

Upon the somewhat puzzled looks he recieved, Spark explained. "See? My future-head turned green when I painted my now-head green. Now watch." The robot used a washcloth and cleaned the fresh paint off of his metallic head.

The image on the paused DVD also changed from green, back to the usual silver.

Ape10 was excited. "This means that the future is still maleable! We don't have to split up! We don't have to let The Man take over!"

Ape10-2b smiled sadly. "That's why I wanted to come back. To insure you didn't make the mistakes I did. Of course, by changing your future, you also alter my present, but I knew that going in. I don't mind being a martyr. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one."

The two Ape10s hugged. "The future is in your hands," Ape10-2b said tearfully, "don't screw it up."

After his goodbyes to Spark and Zombielyn, Ape10-2b said, "All right. I'm ready. You know what you have to do."

Ape10 nodded slightly and said, "...Or, maybe, Zombielyn, I won't..."

Instantly, all traces of Ape10-2b disappeared.


[Being spoiler for -Dead Woman's Party highlight to view]A surprise party for Zombielyn results in angst when some unexpected family members drop by.[end spoiler]

Poor toothless Michaelangelo Washington.

Man, that guy.

So, yeah, if our computer gets any slower, I'm going to go out and purchase a gun. To use on it.

And, yes, I'm aware there's a five-day (or whatever) waiting period to buy a gun. I'm just hoping that by the time I get back with the firearm, the computer will be done downloading. Sheesh. The pain I go through for profile pics...

In other news, we went to the zoo today. That was zoological! There were "apes" (damn lying signs!) and wallabies and emus and lions. Birds all over the place, and goats that kept trying to escape. There was an alligator basking in the sun, and several turtles, who moved quicker than one would assume. There were two ravens, trapped in what had to be the smallest cage I have ever seen. I felt quite sorry for them. Zoos bring that out in me. While at work, I mentioned the zoo, and it seems I'm not alone in that feeling. Huh.

The other big news of the day - we had a celebrity drop by work! Sandra Bullock is in town, filming Miss Congeniality 2. Apparently at some point in the movie, she will be on "the news". And our fake news will be the one they went to! Hee! Guy and BobbleHead and RachWell will make it onto the Big Screen!

Unless the scene gets cut, in which case, DVD!!

Neat!

I missed meeting Miss Bullock by about 10 minutes, apparently, but maybe I'll get to see her for Miss Congeniality 3. [shrug]

What else?

Oh. I finished Hybrids, and liked it. I feel all weird now, since, like I said before, I'm done with the trilogy. It's as though my brain is saying, "Okay. Now what?"
I also (re)read God Bless You, Dr. Kervorkian today. Yup. Finished it in one day. Course, it's a short book, and I've read it before, but I do like my Vonnegut. [up] I know the guy is like 80ish, but he should totally still be writing. [sigh] I don't know what I'll read tomorrow. Guess it's library time again.

So, that's pretty much my day in a nutshell.

Oh, and I talked to the Jupe today. She's awesome.

A three hour tour. A three. hour. tour.

We went to the library today, and I found Hybrids!! WOOO-MOTHERFUCKING-HOOO!! It's awesome to be "catching up" with Ponter and Mary. And Cornelius. Ugh. I've got a bad feeling about him. Bastard got what he deserved in Humans.
I'm already 60 pages in. Which is great, but at the same time, this is the third book in the trilogy, so when it's over, it's over.

In addition, the Steph spent her gift certificate at Borders. Mmm. Free-ish stuff. I won't say what she bought in case you want to guess and/or suggest things at her blog, but she's been engrossed in the book since we got home. I'm sure she'll make mention of it eventually. (Don't you love how I constantly try to get her to blog more? And how it never seems to work. It's endearing.)

Dinner was at Chili's (Baby Back Ribs ....barbecue sauce!!), and was sufficient.

Tomorrow the plan is to go to the movies to see Home on the Range with the girls. I think we'll make sure we miss the Twenty.

If you're asking yourself what "the Twenty" is, consider yourself lucky.

We just discovered what the Twenty was ourselves. When we went to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind last Sunday, we arrived rather early. About 25 minutes early, actually. For the first five minutes, there was nothing. No muzak, no slide show on the stage, nada. (I don't know about nonAmerican theaters, or theaters outside of Vegas, for that matter, but the movies here used to have slides before the trailers started, along with muzak. They were obnoxious, but at least it gave you something to watch while you waited. And the slides may have been irritating, but they were nothing in comparison to what they've been replaced by...)

At 20 minutes to showtime, a film started projecting on the screen. Steph and I looked rather puzzled - were they starting the previews now? That couldn't be right.

It wasn't.

Apparently they now have a prepackaged "movie" that starts twenty minutes before the trailers. It's called The Twenty (clever name, huh? I'd love to shoot the person who dreamt that one up.) and it is 20 excrutiating minutes of commercials.

They started with a five minute commercial for TNT. TNT, in case you were not aware, KNOWS drama. Because it's TNT. TNT! On TNT, there is drama. In the afternoon. That's when TNT KNOWS drama. On TNT. Where the drama is at. (It's on TNT.)

You get the idea.

After that was a longish plug for Fraiser, cuz I guess this is the final year for that sitcom or something.

Oh, and they had a Behind the Scenes of Van Helsing thing that was actually pretty interesting. But still mockable. Best quote came from some actress who is in the movie, talking about Hugh Jackman (Jackson? What's his name? I don't care about Hollywood people anymore) playing Van Helsing and how he is "Romantic, with a capital R. And that's pretty exciting."
To which I whispered to Steph, "...with a lower-case e."

But the best thing said during the Twenty was when they had a Coke commercial. (Yes, in-between the 'segments', they have commercials. Mostly for Fandango.com, but also Coca-Cola and other Coca-Cola made products.) Anywhat, the commercial had some woman - I'm assuming she's from American Idol, because that's where all singers come from now - who was walking down a street singing some updated version of I'd Like To Buy The World A Coke.

As she is walking, she reaches into her purse and hands bottles of Coca-Cola to passersby.

Steph leaned over and said, "Coke dealer."

Heee!

After the final segment of the Twenty (a neverending sequence about Dr. Seuss stamps and The Cat in The Hat movie), they recapped it all.
Yes. They recapped the past twenty minutes again. In case you had forgotten what you had just fucking seen!

Ugh. Give me back the slides anyday.

AND THEN!! The previews - arguably the best part of going to the movies - start up, and those have commercials in them. Fuck me running, dude. I want to see commercials for movies, not for Nissan. Bastards.

In conclusion, it's 12:25, but it feels like it's only 10:30. Lousy Daylight Saving. I think it should be Spring Back, Fall Back. Or, maybe, we should just leave the clocks alone. Or better yet, toss them altogether.

Oh, and we rented Panic Room from the library as well. Don't spoil the movie for me!

I want Charles in charge of my days and my nights.

The Steph was just talking to me and said that I should start writing again everyday. That sounds like work, to me, but at the same time it seemed to have sparked the "writing" bug in me, and so this may be a lengthy entry. I feel like I've got lots to say. Hurrah.

It rained today. A lot. I was thinking that maybe we somehow woke up in Seattle without realizing it, because this is definitely not Vegas weather. I wonder if other places are having wacky weather too. I believe as we continue to screw with the environment, the weather patterns are gonna get more intense, and more unusual. I believe that because other people have done research on the matter and said as much. And because I pretty much believe whatever I'm told.

But, yeah, it rained cats and dogs this afternoon, and as a result, despite leaving home several minutes early, I arrived at work 22 minutes late. Woo hoo! (In case you can't tell, I was being sarcastic.)
I'm hardly ever on time at work anymore. It doesn't matter what time I leave home, the traffic on the way in compensates and I end up walking in at 3:03, or 3:10, or, like today, 3:22. Nobody has said anything to me (yet) but I don't like it.

Huge bombshell was dropped today at work. The chief engineer, Greg, who has been with the company for at least 11 years, resigned today. Details have not been forthcoming yet - those in the know haven't been eager to gossip about it [eyebrow] - but it's shocking, nonetheless. I'll certainly miss him, as Greg was a pretty good guy, and I wish him well.

I'm also slightly envious.

I don't think it'll happen tomorrow, or even in the next month, but I can feel that something has got to change here at work. Too much has happened and my thoughts have altered too drastically for me to continue in the manner that I have for nearly nine years now. Or maybe I'm not smart enough for anything to change. (There's a story behind that, but it's for another day. PM or email or call me if you're interested.)

In nonwork news....hmm. What should I talk about? I had a very funny story about our date to the movies from a few nights back. Or I could talk about oil. Or terrorism. Or ...no, that's pretty much all I got. Oh. I could mention the April Fool's escapades of yesterday. Although those are more "you had to be there" type of things. And the oil and terrorism things are probably best saved for separate future entries.

Oh! There are plans! I'm sure most of you are as shocked about this as I am, (knowing how Anti-plan I am) but I'm really really excited about this one. It's a Long Term Plan, and heaven only knows if it'll pan out, but the fact that it's got me looking forward to it is noteworthy.

And with that, I'm done. Seacrest ....OUT!!

If only.

I were a good writer.

We had 40,000 dollars.

It weren't raining.

I didn't have to go to work.

We didn't need to go to the grocery store.

Ideas were freely flowing from my brain.

I could find something to spark my interest.

People didn't suck.

I didn't have so many self-esteem issues. (Self-esteem is for everybody. Self-esteem is for everyone.)

I could beat the next level of BanjoKazooie.

I knew things.

Our computer were faster.

Dentists weren't so expensive.

Everything weren't so expensive.

Money didn't exist.

Fucking news.

I would end this rant/stream of conciousness. It's not doing anyone any good. And I'm not particularly in a bad mood - or at least I wasn't at first - I don't know why I'm so ...bitterish. I think because I felt like I was forcing myself to write. Pfft. I'm stupid sometimes.

Next entry should be of lighter fare. Now, though, I think we need to go buy groceries. Hope everyone had a good April Fools Day.

Too much!

I've got too many things to blog about!

So I'm blogging about none of them!

Logic!

In completely unrelated news, I'm fooking hungry. Fooking!

Tomorrow is April 1st. In recent years I've lessened my love of this holiday. But I have something planned for this year. Nothing bad, though. Just harmless fun. Yay for April Fools Day!

My hands are cold. And I need to pee.

My wife's latest entry in her blog starts: "Man, I feel like I've been sick for 10,000 years." hee. She's totally (not) talking about Takers. Hee.

Well, how should this entry end? I'm thinking fanfare and fireworks.
Or perhaps only half that. I dunno.

I need some gum.

Matty and Becky are expecting! Wooo!!! And he explained it using Hot Pockets as an analogy. Dude. Guess we know who his favorite Ape10 character is.

The Rock? I've got nothing against him - not like that fuck Vin Diesel - but of all the movies to be remade why Walking Tall? WHY!!!????

Need food.

*fanfare*

currently

Life is amazing.

Breathing is something that each of us does everyday - thousands of times - without thinking about it. Our brains take care of it. Asleep or awake, our brains have been doing it for millions of years. (Good thing, too. [wink])

But it's just a remarkable process. That, and our heartbeating, and our stomach digesting and our cells growing and our immune system fighting off illnesses...it's just ...awesome. It really is.

And the world is FULL of life. Not just human life, which is pretty fucking amazing, but so many other mammals and birds and lizards and insects. And even bacteria. Oh, and plants. Plants - trees especially - have a new(ly)(re)found special place in my heart. It is because of trees and their amazing ability to intake carbon dioxide that we are still here. Or here at all. They are - to borrow a quote - the planet's lungs. And lungs do remarkable things - as stated above.

It's sometimes hard to remember that this mystery that we call "life" is something to be treasured. Always. I think I'm going to make a more conscious effort to remember that. I'll be a better person, a happier person.

....I'm getting older too.

So, yeah.

Now the Steph is an "old woman". (Heeeheee!) She (I believe) had a really great day. Except for the whole sick factor. But otherwise - it was good.

In addition, Saren lost her first tooth! She was very excited about it. The tooth fairy has visited her. I think Steph will blog about this in more detail when she feels better. Or I will when I'm not so tired.

I wanted to take the time, though, to mention the loss of the tooth. Saren looks different, although I'm sure that it's mostly psychological. She appears ...older. Our little girl is growing up. *frown*

Improve the world...no! CONSUME!!!!!

So we were watching Yaylias! the other night (name changed back to Yay!lias due to it finally becoming better again) and the local break time came along.

A Public Service Announcement began. This is what happened:

Lindsey Wagner was sitting there and very solemnly said: "Hi. I'm Lindsey Wagner. When violence against women stops..."

The spot suddenly switched to a Papa John's commercial for some March Madness special.

Hee. Taker insanity.

In completely unrelated news, the girls have been unhealthy the past three days, and it's been of the not good. Tomorrow, though, the Steph hits the three decade mark, so we're gonna all be really really happy and healthy and perfect.










OR ELSE.

118999

Just in case anyone was curious.

Oh, and, yeah, I'm still alive.

You better watch out, because I'm about to say "fuck"!

Heh.

Okay. I apologize upfront about the length of the post. Everything else, I have no apologies for.

A little back story, first.
Apparently on either the 6th or 7th of March, the Sinclair owned station WZTV in Nashville ran an afternoon movie that was unedited for air. The movie was Quiet Days in Hollywood. I've not seen the movie (yet - we supposedly have an unedited copy of it ourselves at our station - our programming department decided to not air it), but from what I've heard, the movie contains a lot of swearing (fuck is reportedly said a couple dozen times in a five minute span), full frontal nudity of males and females, homesexual intercourse, and a rape scene. Quality Family Programming!
Anywhat, the movie aired, and the master control operator running it called the program director and said, "Hey, this movie is bad." And the program director said, "Ah, just run it anyway."
So, they did.
Monday the 8th, there were 8000 (eight thousand!!) emails and calls to the FCC. This means that 8000 people do not know what a remote control is.
The program director for that station no longer works for Sinclair.

On the 9th, we got the following memo from one of the Higher Ups at Sinclair Broadcasting. I'm going to type it verbatim, and then I'll break it down with commentary. Any typos or grammatical errors are from the memo itself. The names and numbers will be edited out to protect ...other people.


TO: All Master Control Operators
FROM: David O.
DATE: March 9, 2004
RE: Material Inapporpriate for Broadcast

It is absolutely essential that we take every step to prevent obscene material from appearing on our airwaves.

The Programming Department is responsible to prescreen all programming and edit offensive material. All objectionable content should be eliminated before it reaches Master Control.

It is also the responsiblity of the Master Control Operator to monitor the on-air signal. In the unlikely event that something obscene slips through the safety net, it is the responsibility of the Master Control Operator on duty to initiate immediate corrective action.

The following five words are never appropriate for broadcast: Shit, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, and Motherfucker. We also do not allow scenes that include shots of frontal nudity; female waist up or waist down, male waist down.

If you are on duty when prohibited content appears inside any pre-recorded non-network programming or IMMEDIATELY ABORT FROM THE PROGRAM.

Place a full screen still store graphic on the air while you locate a standby program to use as time filler. Place the standby program on the air until you receive additional direction from a station manager.

While the standby program is on the air call Tina M in the Programming Department. Her cell phone number is (702)806 -XXXX.

If she is unavailabe, contact Tommie G at (702)806-XXXX.

If he us unavailabe,contact Rob W at (702)610-XXXX or Sonia M at (702)610-XXXX.

Taking no action is considered negligence and is subject to disciplinary action.

[sigh]

It is absolutely essential that we take every step to prevent obscene material from appearing on our airwaves. Oh? And why is that? So that the FCC doesn't slap a half-a-million-dollar fine on your ass? Well, here's a step that hasn't been taken - change what is considered "obscene". Shocking, I know! Simply because the word "fuck" has been deemed "vulgar" doesn't make it so. It. Is. A. WORD. Just like mockingbird, or watermelon, or tekirana. And nudity? Don't get me started. Perhaps if we weren't so bloody uptight over things that are natural, we'd be healthier, happier human beings. Just a thought.
Besides, I find Crossing Over with John Edwards more offensive than any of the "swear" words. Maybe I'll start having an hour of dead air from 4 to 5 each day, stating that the programming was "obscene".

The Programming Department is responsible to prescreen all programming and edit offensive material. Funny thing - on Friday I was talking to Tina (the same one mentioned in the memo) and she said that this memo had not been given to her. Doh! She also said that we were supposed to get a set of guidelines on what is obscene from corporate, not simply from David O. ...

It is also the responsibility of the Master Control Operator to monitor the on-air signal.
Duh. That's my job, dumbass. I've been doing it for almost nine years. Thanks, though, for the condescending remark! Makes me feel wonderful!

Now we get to the meat & potatoes of the memo -
The following five words are never appropriate for broadcast:
Wait - Never? Not ever? I think, perhaps, if September 11th were to take place again, that it might be appropraite to use "Shit" or "Fuck", or any number of words, actually. And what if someone's name is legally "Motherfucker"? It would be so god-damn awesome for some celebrity to change their name to that. Hell, if any politician started running under the name "God damn motherfucker", I honestly think I'd vote for them. Even if it were George Bush.

Shit, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, and Motherfucker.
First- he capitalized them!!! How great is that?
Second - heeeeeeeee!!! This is an official Fucking Memo!! Heeeeeeeee!
Third - Does this mean that "cock" is allowed? And apparently there is no problem with "asshole" or "pussy"? Bastard, bitch, nigger, faggot? Those are all appropriate? Or sometimes appropriate, perhaps?
Lastly - Cunt? Cunt!?! What movies do you ever hear that in? I mean, hell, cunt was not even "legal" on the WD until just recently. But I think that we should go extreme with it. (Heh. "Extreme Cunt!" Heee! I'd watch that show.) But I think any thing that resembles Cunt should be not allowed. The word Country, for example. We have a show called "A Country Affair" that I've been wanting to get off the air for a while now. This gives me the opportunity. It's obscene.

If you are on duty when prohibited content appears inside any pre-recorded non-network programming or IMMEDIATELY ABORT FROM THE PROGRAM.
First, there's the typo. The "or" is in the wrong spot.
Second - so if we're in a network program or airing something live, and it has "prohibited" content, that's okay?
Third - dude, don't bring abortion into this debate.

Place a full screen store graphic on the air...
Yeah, um, except we don't have a full screen graphic. Perhaps if you spent some time in our control room, you might know that. Urgh.
However, I'm thinking that we should create one. A graphic that reads: "Experiencing Technical Fucking Difficulties. Please stand by, Motherfucker!"

Taking no action is considered negligence and is subject to disciplinary action.
Yeah. Fuck off.

Whew. I was going to make/continue a tirade about censorship, but I'm not up to it right now. Maybe later.

Ides.

Heh. That's such a bizarre word.

Tomorrow, I promise, I finally post about the motherfucking work thing. It will be worth it. I swear.

In the meantime, it's bloqtime.

Aren't dollar stores just the shizz-nit?
Well, I don't know that they are just the shizz-nit, but they do have everything, for just a dollar! And that's pretty damn shizz-nit-ish. Also, I promise never to use "shizz-nit" again. Now if only the rest of the world would also take that pledge...

What three words best describe you?
I don't know.







Hee!

What would a Ph.D. do fo-r your care-r?
I'd be able to Fire my boss, with eBay!

If a book were being written about your life, what would the chapter you are currently in be called?
Chapter 28: Chapter 11
Heh.

Bob Dylan said everyone must get stoned - but why?
He answered that question in the song - He "would not feel so all alone." Apparently misery (or, um, chemical alteration) loves company.

Don't you hate that?
"Hate is a strong word." I hate that. That phrase drives me insane. I know hate is a strong word. That's why I used it.

How can they possibly expect you to go to work on a day like today?
They didn't! ALthough I did anyway. But only to pick up my paycheck. Suckers!!
Alternate answer: What are ya gonna do - starve?

If you could change the color of your eyes, your hair, or your skin at will - what would you alter your appearance to?
I like my eyes, so they'd stay the same.
My hair ...I'd just make it bigger. (Bigger is better!)
I would change my skin to be the same complexity and color as my eyes. That would be awesome.

Pick a movie or a book or a television series that you know fairly well - now, what character would you like to see their point of view from? (eg, Harry Potter from Draco's perspective, or Snow White as strictly told by Sneezy, etc)
Star Wars as told by Chewbacca. "Grrraararr!!"
Or
I wouldn't mind getting into the heads of the Senior Partners (or the Powers That Be).
Or
The Bible (Genesis, in particular) as told by Satan.
And...without giving too much away, an upcoming Ape10 is told from a different perspective...

What song do you currently have in your head?
"Sara spelled without an h was getting bored..."

What have you learned today?
Among other things - that Pennslyvania is the only state that does not have a state song.

I love the sound of a Pepsi can opening. Also, certain sirens are cool. What sounds do you find appealing?
Other than those sounds I mentioned - The laughter of my girls, the questioning "merrrow?" that Oreo makes, the bling-blings of video poker machines, orgasm noises, music, applause, the "You've got mail" voice [/hint], birds.

If you could visit 83 years in the past, or 83 years in the future, (for one week, with no time paradoxes resulting) which would you choose and why?
Yes.

I'd visit the future. I'd like to know if we'll still be around in 8 decades, and also it would be neat to see how much will have changed.

and finally...

Invent a new word right now....please?
Tekarina.
It's um...the amount of time that it takes for someone to devise a BS answer to an online survey.
"I'll be there in just a tekarina!"

Haphazard!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Ape10 episode 4: Que Sera Sera

England, The Middle Ages.

Ape10, Spark, and Zombielyn are wandering the countryside. "And you're sure that this is where the second dinowarrior is?" Ape10 asked Spark.

"Affirmative." Spark responded. "The history books from our present day stated that many villagers in this time period reported seeing a "dragon" terrorizing their day to day activities. My computer brain predicts that there is a 99.98% chance that the dragon is in fact one of the chronologically misplaced dinosaurs."

"Greeeeaaayt!" Zombielyn said. " Hnnuuh."

Ape10 approached a passing villager. "Excuse me, sir, I'm trying to find the ..."
But by that time, the person had turned to see Ape10 and reacted.
"Ahhh! Ye are infected with the olde plague! Back! Back! Before I am cursed with the disease!"
And with that, the man fled down the olde pathe.

The primate looked slightly offended. "Pfft. Primitive middle-ager. Well...maybe you should ask someone, Spark. I don't want the next person to attempt to cure me with leeches."

Spark found another passerby and approached him. Before the robot could speak, the young man bowed.
Spark looked back to Ape10 and Zombielyn. They were as baffled as he was, but gestured for him to go ahead.
"Um...I'm looking for the dragon that has been terrorizing your village lately. Do you know where it is?"

The young man rose and said, "Kind Knight, Sir - Nobody knows where to find the mighty dragon. It simply comes to town and kidnaps the maidens. If only we knew where the beast was hiding, I myself would take it down. Then the villagers would write great tales of my heroic deeds. They would say, 'Brave Arthur slayed the creature!' and other such things."

Spark analyzed the small person named Arthur in front of him. "Hmm." he thought, "there is a 83.12% chance that this is the King Arthur from those legends. I should make sure that history is not altered." Before leaving, he whispered into Arthur's ear.

Spark then conferred with his friends. "It seems that the dragon has an interest in maidens." At that, Spark and Ape10 looked at Zombielyn.

"Unnnhhh."

As Zombielyn strolled around, doing her best to look 'maidenish', Ape10 and Spark remained hidden behind some trees. The plan was to ambush the dragon once it tried to attack Zombielyn. Spark was wielding a sword, Ape10 had a rock.

Suddenly, the dragon appeared. Zombielyn monotoned, "Heeehhlp." and the robot and the ape stepped out from behind the trees. Ape10 said, "We're about to get medieval upon your ass." and then they began to attack the creature from another time.

As Spark sliced it with his sword, Ape10 began to hit it with the heavy rock, and Zombielyn tore into its flesh with her undead fangs. Before long, the dinosaur was deceased.

Having nullified the threat, Ape10 set his weapon down on the ground. Spark stuck the sword into the stone, and Zombielyn wiped the blood off her face.
Ape10 said, "You know, if we keep this up, the series is gonna be done before it even gets started. We need a more difficult enemy than these dinosaurs."
"There is still one more out there," Spark said. "And we have Bluebush himself to track down and bring to justice. Not to mention The Boy."

Before they could return to the Time Blender, an elderly man dressed in robes appeared. "Excuse me, but which one of you is Ape10?"

Ape10 looked at the old man with curiosity, then answered, "Who wants to know?"

"My name," the gentleman responded, "is Merlin."

"Is that supposed to mean something to me?" Ape10 asked.
Zombielyn leaned over and whispered "Maaaahgic." into Ape10's ear. He looked impressed.

"Oh. Well. Then. Yes. I am Ape10. What can I do for you?"

Merlin said gravely, "I know that you have had dealings with The Boy."

Ape10 cringed. "How do you know about him?"

Merlin smiled and said, "Try to understand. Try to understand. Try, try, try, to understand. I'm a magic man."

By this point, a small crowd of people had gathered around the dragon's corpse. A few of the men were trying to take credit for the slaying, but none of them were able to remove the sword from the stone to prove that they were responsible. Arthur was among the crowd. He remembered what Spark had told him, and using the tip that he'd given him, he easily unsheathed the weapon.

Merlin sighed. "I would like to return to the future with you three to assist you in battling The Boy, but as you can see, I am needed here. However, I will do the next best thing. When you return to your own time, I will have arranged for a magician to provide guidance in regard to your nemesis. To call upon this fellow augur, follow these directions." Merlin handed a scroll to Ape10.

Ape10 took the scroll, and Merlin said, "Be careful, Ape10. The Boy will stop at nothing to become The Man. If that happens, he will be much more difficult to deal with."
Ape10 nodded. "Thank you, Merlin. And...um. May the Force be with you, I guess."

*****

Azwood, Present Day.

Upon returning to their home, Ape10 took the scroll and unfurled it. The text was written in Latin. He grimaced and handed the scroll to Spark. The robot looked it over and said, "Sorry, buddy. But I can't help you."

Ape10 did a double take. "You can't read Latin, Spark?"

Spark said, "Of course I can read Latin. But everyone knows that robots can't do magic. Or at least, not unless they have the right processors implanted. I do not."

Ape10 sighed. "Oh. Well..." Zombielyn reached over and took the scroll. She looked it over, then read it aloud, doing the necessary dance steps as well. Once she was finished, the scroll disintegrated.
Ape10 looked at Zombielyn and asked, "You can read Latin?"
"Etiam!"

"Wonderful! So...did it work?"

"I'd say yes." A voice from behind them said. The trio turned to see a redheaded woman standing in the park. "I am Belinda, the witch. You summoned me?"

Spark asked, "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"

Belinda smiled and said, "Good one. I've not heard that one a thousand times before."

Spark softly said, "Well there's no need to get snippy."

Ape10 stepped in and said, "Yes. Merlin told us that you would be able to assist us in our battle with The Boy. What can you tell us about him?"

"I will attempt to gaze into the future, and tell you what I can see. I warn you now, though, that using these powers is not easy, and I may not be able to predict what The Boy is planning. In addition, future knowledge may not be as helpful as you would like. I will try, though."

Belinda closed her eyes briefly, then said, "I...yes...I see...a robot!"

Spark seemed to become more interested in what the woman had to say. "Yes?" he prodded, "Go on."

The witch added, "This robot...will travel from the future....and into the past...to ...cause death and destruction."

Spark shook his head. "No. It can't be true."

Belinda opened her eyes and glaring at Spark, said, "It is. It shall come to pass."

Spark looked at Ape10 and Zombielyn. "She's mistaken, then. She must be thinking of that old Arnold movie, perhaps."
Before anyone could comment on this idea, Belinda closed her eyes again and said, "Zombielyn! I see you ...Ape10 and Spark have abandonded you in the past. During the ...Salem witch trials. You will be placed on trial for some reason, and ..." she didn't finish her thought, instead began to predict Ape10's fate.

"As for you, Ape10 - you will soon die. It seems that The Boy will, ultimately, become The Man, and he will kill you. He will kill all of you. It is inevitable!"
At that point, Ape10 said angrily, "Okay, witch. How long have you been working for The Boy?"
Belinda smiled evilly. "You're a smart monkey, aren't you? I see why The Boy admires you. But it won't matter. I may have been lying about Zombielyn, but I am a soothsayer, and it is fact that you will all be killed. It isn't my fault if you can't handle the sooth."
Ape10 growled. "What happened to the wizard Merlin was going to send us?"

Belinda shrugged. "She died. It happens."

The ape glared at the woman and said, "It certainly does."

*****

Spark returned from the Time Blender alone.
Ape10 asked the robot, "Done?"
Spark answered, "Affirimative. I took our friend to the Salem Witch Trials. With the outfit she was wearing, it didn't require much convincing on the mob's part to believe that she was, in fact, a witch."
Zombielyn said, "Guuuuhuhhhhhhhhhh."

Ape10 nodded, but looked troubled. "Spark? Zombielyn? Do ...do you guys think that Belinda was actually able to see the future?"

Zombielyn shook her head. "Nuuuuuuhhhhhh-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh."

Spark agreed. "She was simply an agent of The Boy, trying to get us to doubt ourselves. Remember what Linda Hamilton told us? 'The Future is not set. There is no fate but that which we make.' And besides, the only real way to tell the future is to highlight spoilers."

Zombielyn added, "Plaaaaahhhhstik."

Ape10 smiled and thanked his friends. "Thanks, guys. You're both right, of course. Worrying about the future is completely pointless. Whatever happens, happens. From now on, "Inevitable, schminevtable" is my motto. Besides, the future can't be as bad as she predicted."

[Being spoiler for -15 minutes highlight to view]Ape10 becomes famous.[end spoiler]

Back to you, fuckers!

Mostly this is a reminder to myself to blog about the hilairity that is my workplace on a later date. Man, that place is fucking funny! Emphasis on the fucking!

The groove? It's in the heart.

Oh yeah.

So, the money came. And ironically (er...coincidentally, rather) that day I aired the episode of Seinfeld called "The Money". Never underestimate the power of coincidence.

Oddly, I'm not as happy about the cash as I expected to be. I'm all ...not. Who knew that money didn't equate happiness? I mean, I'm glad we got it, because, hey, it beats starving (because although starving is truly hilarious, it's only funny when it's happening to other people.), but I'm not overjoyed. In fact, I spent most of yesterday in Grumpy Old Troll mode. Bah.

Today's been better, though. I've had two cans of Pepsi. And not just regular Pepsis, either! They're 8 ounce cans!!!!

I call them....Mini-P.

They make me feel like a giant when I'm consuming them. And they're so cute! Everything should be minisized. Tiny = aesthetically pleasing, in other words, fly.

Tomorrow I'm off work! For two days! Hot damn!

I really should be working on Ape10. I hope that it doesn't end up suffering as a result of my laziness. Speaking of - I was thinking about my "Do you hate ME?" post, and I've decided to go easier on the ME folks. Writing is hard. Creating an entertaining, engaging piece of art takes a lot out of you, and to do it for as long as they did - they deserve quite a bit of slack. Season 7 still sucked major ass, though.

Speaking of writing (and of Ape10) I really do wish that that type of thing were more prevelant on blogs. Don't get me wrong, I love the diary type things that everyone does, but sometimes I get a hankering for a dose of fiction. Are there "story" blogs? It seems there should be. And it seems that some of them would incorporate pictures like Ape10 does. So where are they? Or maybe I'm actually the first one to do this type of thing. [shrug] That's me. The trendsetter. [drolleyes]

One final note - I can't seem to read anything anymore. The last book I finished was Hey Nostradamus! which was back in January. I never did finish reading The Egg Code nor The Silk Code (they were completely unrelated to each other, in case you're wondering), and while I was enjoying The Forest People, I all of a sudden ...stopped reading it. [shrug] I simply can't find any books to grab my interest any more. No wonder I quit doing the WD Book Club.

Shouldn't this be on that Buffyboard?

Without getting all spoilery, I'm hoping that the season (and series) ends with the Angel team giving into the evils of W&H. I want all of them to be corrupted, and to just accept that.

There are spoilerish examples of things that have happened this year I could cite, but I'm not in the mood to do it right now. Also, I haven't seen Shells yet, so I have no idea if that will change my POV or not. But as of right now, I want them all to wind up evil, and proud of it.

We'll see how it goes.

And (still trying to not use spoilertags. Man, I go through so much for the benefit of Jupe), going back to the events that ended episode 100 - how do we know that it was the SP that did the hole thing? We have no way of knowing for sure that that is where that character went...(Hopefully that was vague enough.)

In other news, the 8-ball is one kickass piece of plastic.

Nowhere Man

I'm my way of the brain is yareh.

Yeah.

Also, my nose hurts.

Maybe later, I all actually post the thing I was going to post about when I frist started to want to type this up. Maybe.

Remember wahile back when I made a post that was on that Buffyboard that was about Dr. Seuss, and I misspelled his name? Guess what! So did our news department today! (Today is his 100th birthday) So I

Supposedly, the rain will stop, and the nice weather will be back by the weekend. Thank Gord. (Heee. Gord.)

IT's been a while since I've been sick, so I'd forgotten how much it sucks. A lot, is the amount, in case you're curious.

Gord, I 've got just over a week to type up the next Ape10, and I've not even started. Not a problem, so along as I feel better before then. Get to work, anti-bodies!! Get to work!!

IN conclusion, SHamalamadingdong.

I guess I should post today.

I've got nothing to say, really, but it's the 29th of Feb, which only comes around blah, blah, blah.

Anywhat, the Oscars are on, and Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King has won everything it's been nominated for. Is it really that good?

Huh. Today, while being an extra day in the year, wound up being pretty much wasted. Go Team Lazy!

Oh, and there were not doughnuts.

Hmmm.

There's a meeting with the General Manager of the stations tomorrow. 7:30am.

My expectations are low, but my interest is piqued.

See, about a week back the department got together and submitted a letter to the GM asking about raises. We're finally going to address this.

Mostly, I'm hoping that there's doughnuts.

I get mine at Wal-Mart

Which explains a lot, actually.

You need knowledge to recognize that you have knowledge....so where does it come from originally?

In the same vein, how does one know that one is "enlightened"?

Folks who claim to know all the answers...they're lying, aren't they?

Life imitating art imitating life

Back in the early 90s Stephen King released a collection of novellas titled Four Past Midnight. One of the stories is titled Secret Window, Secret Garden, and it's about a writer who is confronted by someone who claims that he plagiarized one of his stories and got famous off it.

Now, there's an upcoming movie starring Johnny Depp, called Secret Window, and it appears to be about a writer who is confronted by someone who claims he plagiarized one of his stories...

The weird thing is, Stephen King's name is nowhere on the commercials for the film. In fact, it says that the movie is "from the writer of Panic Room."

So...um...did this person plagiarize Stephen King's story or what?

Here's a truck stop, instead of St. Peter's

From the "Man, there really is something wrong with me" file - The top story on AOL is about how George Bush's dog died today. My reaction was laughter.

Laughter was also my initial reaction to finding out that Laura Bush killed someone in a car accident years ago. (On a side note- why is this not a wider known story?? I heard about it from someone at work, and thought she was joking...)

It seems that laughing is something I do whenever the Bushes and death are connected...

Today at work, we had some story about the Las Vegas section of craigslist.org. Of course, being our news, we got it as wrong as we possibly could. First, we were calling it Craigslist.com, rather than .org, and second, we put up a graphic that had it cited (hee! pun!) as "lasvegas.craiglist.com" - note the lack of "s".

Well, to prove my point, I fired up the ol' Internet Explorer at work, and went to lasvegas.craiglist.com.

Guess what! It's porn!

And not just porn, but it's the type of site that when you close the window, about 45 other porn windows open up. Wheee! For the record, I let the director know about the error, and the 10 o'clock news cast had the correct site address in the graphic.

What else? Um. My hair is big. You all should worship me.

OH! I'm working on a future post! In fact, I've begun it, and have the date set. (May 24th, 2004. 3pm.) It's gonna be Big. Wonderfully Big, one might say. Or, Wonderfully Boring, maybe.

And, speaking of upcoming posts, the next Ape10 episode started to actually form itself in my mind today. Thankfully.

It's nice to have tomorrow and the next day off, but I wish the weather were more ...something. I've had enough of winter for now, thank you.

Lastly, Donkey Kong on the gameboy is frustrating as hell. Why can't the princess rescue her own damn self for a change? [mad]

Our hearts pump dust and our hairs all gray

I think my problem is that I'm socially retarded.

La de da de da, la de da de da

Stolen from the Jupe....

I present to you the titles I've used that are lyrics from songs - explained!

From here on out, though, you're on your own. It'll be fun! When you think a title is a song lyric, when you leave a comment just state the song (and artist, if you're showing off).

Away we go...

Tuesday, July 15, 2003
"Sweet Dreams are made of these"
from "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of These)" by Annie Lennox of the Eurhytmics. Also Mariyln Manson.
Geez. I start with the obvious ones, didn't I?

Friday, August 15, 2003
"They say it's your birthday!"
from "Birthday" by the Beatles

Sunday, August 17, 2003
"The smile on a dog."
from "What I Am" by Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians

Wednesday, August 20, 2003
"...and the chaos that surrounds me like a flock of screaming pigs..."
from "Change" by Boingo

Sunday, August 31, 2003 was the blog-a-thon date, and all of my titles were the names of the songs from the CD Look Into The Eyeball. (We should have another blog-a-thon soon....)

Sunday, September 21, 2003
"One down. Three point six to go."
from "One Down" by Ben Folds

Thursday, October 02, 2003
"There is water at the bottom of the ocean."
from "Once in a Lifetime" by Talking Heads

Friday, October 10, 2003
"Sweet Dreams are made of these."
Again??

Saturday, October 11, 2003
"Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping ...into the future."
from "Fly Like an Eagle" by Steve Miller (or Seal)

Sunday, October 19, 2003
"It was 20 years ago today..."
from "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" by The Beatles

Saturday, October 25, 2003
"I'm havin' trouble tryin' to sleep."
from "Brain Stew/Jaded" by Green Day

Friday, October 31, 2003
"Every single one of us, the devil inside."
from "Devil Inside" by INXS

Friday, October 31, 2003
"Let me out! Let, let me out!"
from Cherub Rock by the Smashing Pumpkins

Monday, November 3, 2003
"JFK blown away, what else do I have to say?"
from "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel

Friday, November 14, 2003
"Life goes by so fast. You only want to do what you think is right. Close your eyes and then it's past."
from "Story of my Life" by Social Distortion

Monday, November 17, 2003
"I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me."
from "I Don't Like the Drugs (But the Drugs Like Me)" by Marilyn Manson

Sunday, November 30, 2003
"And the wolves all howl while the world around me dies"
from "Pedestrian Wolves" by Boingo

Wednesday, December 03, 2003
"Hobbit motherfuckers!"
from "Hobbit Motherfuckers" by Er...huh. I don't know.

Thursday, December 04, 2003
"Na na na na-na-na-naaa!"
from "Hey Jupe" by the Beatles

Friday, December 05, 2003
"Always look at the bright side of life."
from "Bright Side of Life" (I'm assuming) from the movie Life of Brian

Friday, December 12, 2003
"Champagne supernova"
from "Champagne Supernova" by Oasis

Friday, December 19, 2003
"This is my United States of Whatever"
from "United States of Whatever" by Liam Lynch (Sifl and Olly)

Sunday, December 21, 2003
"I don't know where the sunbeams end and the starlight begins."
from "Fight Test" by the Flaming Lips

Monday, December 22, 2003
"What would we do, baby, without us?"
from the theme song to the television show Family Ties

Thursday, December 25, 2003
"Holy Shit, It's Christmas!"
from "Holy Shit, It's Christmas" by Red Peters

Wednesday, December 31, 2003
"Just Another Day"
from "Just Another Day" by Oingo Boingo

Friday, January 16, 2004
"That which you fear the most could meet you half way."
from "Crazy Mary by Pearl Jam

Monday, January 26, 2004
"I'm gonna getchya-getchya-getchya-getchya."
from "One Way or Another" by Blondie

Wednesday, February 04, 2004
"I quit my job today, oh boy."
from "A Day in the Life" by The Beatles

Saturday, February 07, 2004
"And if I can't have everything, then just give me a taste."
from "Sin by Nine Inch Nails

Saturday, February 14, 2004
"When the whipperwhil whistles in the wind..."
from an episode of Animaniacs. I don't know if it's a real song or not.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004
"La de da de da, la de da de da"
from "What's the name of that song?" sung by the Sesame Street cast

Man, there were a lot more than I thought.

Tune in next time, when I might have an actual entry!

When the whipperwhil whistles in the wind...

It was 10 years ago today that my parents bought me my brand new Geo Metro. (And we all know how that turned out.)

I can't believe that a decade has gone by since then. Wow. Ten years.

In related ...ish news, we had dinner with my parents last night at Joe's Crab Shack. Those of you who are up on your P@ trivia know full well that I am allergic to shellfish. Luckily, I stayed away from the lobster, clams, and shrimp, and dined purely on Fish & Chips. I mean, I love the taste of shrimp, but for whatever reason, I prefer to remain able to breathe. I know. I'm weird.

Dinner was rather noneventuous, except for the fact that my parents were an hour and a half late. [insert jaw dropping/eyes popping out sound effects]
An hour and a half!

Oh, and the dancing. That was enjoyable, if slightly embarrasing. But, still. Fun.

The check came to a mighty 223 dollars. Yikes. Well, might as well let my parents leave here with something memorable. [doh2]

The other day, I helped my stepmom move. And by saying "helped", I mean that I drove over to the house and watched the movers pack things and kept my mom company for a few hours.
I'm amazed - simply amazed - at how much stuff my parents have. Dear god, they're packrats. And my mom was telling me how she had thrown away like entire garbage cans full of stuff beforehand. And they still had enough material goods to build a small city. [sigh]

It was a little saddening to see the house one last time. Plus, the fact that GLEPUB1 is no longer an active phone number. It was my parent's (and my own, for a time) phone number for years. At least 12. And now, it's disconnected. Sniff.

I thought that I had something else to blog about, and maybe I do, but for now this'll have to do it. It's time for the Fucking News.

UTP@ Returns!

My thoughts are mostly oatmealish right now. The word "FUCK!" seems to be ...something, like it is in oatmeal so often. FUCK. Heeee.e hee!

ude, there's some kind of giant lizard on teh TV. Iguana. That's the word. I am teh Iguana King! I can do anything!

ANd now that guy is looking at lizard piss. Fucking hell, that's kind of funny. Also - did you know that you caould say "Dick" on TV? Becuase they did on Angel last night. Oh. That was as poiler. Um. Ignoree that, if you didn't know.

I have stuff to say, but I'm so not ...whatever that word is...to do it firight now. But it was about how my parents are moving, and about someon at work, (which I am now at), and about something elese but motehrer fuck, I'm tired.

Heeeee.
Lizards.

Ape10 episode 3: How the West Was 011101110110111101101110

Spark walked into the park, looking for Ape10 and Zombielyn. He had exciting news to show them.
Ape10 was there, looking somewhat sad.

Seeing the look on his friend's face, Spark asked, "What's wrong?"

Ape10 sighed and said, "Our enemies seem to be one step ahead of us. Sure, we managed to defeat one of Bluebush's dinowarriors, but there are still two more out there. And now, this child who stole the shadow off a groundhog...It's as though the whole world is against us."

"Well, this ought to cheer you up. Read this article." Spark handed the primate the newspaper. Looking at it, Ape10 grinned. "This is fantastic! Let's get in the Time Blender, and capture him while we still can!"

"I felt the same way." Spark agreed. "Where's Zombielyn?"

Ape10 uttered, "Doh! I forgot, she's out shopping at the Azwood West Mall. She should be..."
Just then, Ape10's cell phone rang. Looking at the display, Ape10 saw that it was Zombielyn calling. "That's convienent," he said, then answered the phone.
"Ape10 here, talk to me."
The ape listened, then said into the phone - "All right, Zombielyn, I'll be there in a few minutes." He hung up, then addressed Spark. "I've got to go to the Azwood West Mall. Zombielyn is there, along with our other nemesis. And apparently, he wants to speak with me."
Spark asked, "What about Bluebush?"
" I still think mixing sci-fi and westerns is a crazy idea, but go ahead and apprehend him, if you can. Maybe we'll capture both of our enemies at once!" Ape10 concluded happily.

*****
Spark entered the newspaper building, and asked to see the reporter who had written the article about Bluebush. He was directed toward the back, among all the printing equipment.
A young man was working on the equipment, obviously preparing the next day's news. Spark tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me."

The man turned around and Spark gasped, " Mark Twain!"

The reporter chuckled and said, "No, good sir, my name is Samuel Clemens. But I see that you've got an interest in that article I wrote. What can I do for you?"

Spark got over his celebrity-induced shock and got to business. "Yes. I'm looking for the blue-skinned man you wrote about recently. Can you tell me where he is, by chance?"

The writer nodded. "Yes indeed, metallic stranger. That card-player is most likely in the Gosh Darn Saloon, over cross yonder. There's something...odd about him. But he can play cards like nobody's business."

Spark thanked him, and walked out. The man shook his head and muttered, "Mark Twain. I like the sound of that..."

Spark saw the Gosh Darn Saloon, and pushed open the swinging doors.

*****

Ape10 walked past several of the stores in the mall, marvelling at the names. Pencil Sharpening Emporium... 8-track Central ...Shoelace Depot ...Man, Ape10 thought, they sell everything here.

He found Zombielyn and the youngster in the food court. The child was a boy, who looked to be about 8 years old. He had sandy blond hair, and looked rather average. If Ape10 hadn't known better, he'd have never had pegged him as a criminal mastermind.

The boy spoke before Ape10 or Zombielyn could say anything. "Ape10! I knew you would come. You're so predictable. It's almost too..."

Ape10 could take no more insults. He began to shout questions at the boy. "Who are you? How did you know about Bluebush's dinosaur-stealing plan? What did you do with Azwood Al's shadow? Where the hell are your parents?"

The boy glared up at Ape10 and said, "I'm The Man." He frowned, then added, "Or, I will be, once I grow up. For now, I guess I'm just The Boy. Which isn't nearly as menancing, I admit.

Regardless, it is a given that I will become The Man. And when that happens, the world will be mine. MINE!!!!"

Zombielyn said, "Ahhhh-haa!"

The Boy nodded. "Correct, Miss Monroe. The shadow told me much about my future."

"Well, The Boy," Ape10 interrupted, "I hate to disappoint such a charming individual as yourself, but I won't allow you to grow to become The Man, regardless of what the shadow told you."

The Boy chuckled and said, "I do believe that I am the one in charge here. And I'm afraid that you are the one that will not have much of a future. Minotaurs!!"
With that command, a small army of minotaurs appeared, surrounding Zombielyn and Ape10.

The Boy bowed slightly to the primate and the zombie. "Miss Monroe. Ape10. It's been fun. Pity you have to die now." And then he turned and disappeared out of the mall.

"Fuuuuuuugh." Zombielyn said.

*****

Spark looked around the interior of the Gosh Darn Saloon. The place consisted of the typical outlaws, thieves, and band of buggered. Over in a dark corner sat Bluebush, playing cards with a group of no-goodians.

Spark first walked to the bar. "Barkeep! I would like a glass of your best ale! And a Hot Pocket!"

The bartender slid the beer to the robot and said, "I don't know what a Hot Pocket is, Mister. That some sort of drink?"

Spark took his alcohol and said, "Never mind. This will do." He then made his way over to the table that Bluebush the pirate was sitting at. "Excuse me, gentlemen. I'm here to play cards with that fellow right there." He pointed at Bluebush.
The pirate scowled. Recognizing Spark, but not wanting to risk being captured, he decided to play along.
"Arr. Sit downs, mister, and we'll deal." After Spark sat down, Bluebush asked, "So, what game shall we play? Poker? Blackjack? War? I likes War. Arrrrr."

Spark said, "How about ....Go Fish."

The crowd that had gathered around to watch, gasped in unison.

Bluebush regained his composure and said, "Aye. Go Fish it be."

As he was dealing the cards, he asked, "Ye aren't afraid to make the game more ...interesting, are ye? A wager, of some sorts?"

"Absolutely," Spark said. "How about, the loser has to leave the West and never return?"

Bluebush chuckled. " Ye got it!"

Spark looked at the hand he had been dealt. Such luck! He was guaranteed to win, but he didn't let it show. Spark had a great Go Fish face. He put his fours down, leaving just the one card in his hand. He shouted "Uno!" and watched as Bluebush looked rather uncomfortable. The crowd murmured to itself - nobody had beaten Bluebush before!

A bearded older gentleman leaned over to Bluebush and whispered some advice to him.

"Have ye...." and before he finished asking, the pirate had upturned the table and run out of the Gosh Darn saloon. Spark followed, just in time to see Bluebush hop on a horse and gallop away. Grumbling, Spark found a horse and got on it. He tried to give chase, but, since it was the robot's first time on a stallion, he was unable to get it to cooperate. Bluebush had escaped yet again.

*****

In the Azwood West Mall, Ape10 and Zombielyn were trying to fight off the minotaurs. Zombielyn said, "Grrrraaaa!!"

Ape10 noticed they were next to Cattle Prods R Us. "Zombielyn!! Look!" He pointed at the storefront, and they went inside.

It was a mere matter of minutes later that they had managed to rustle the minotaurs together into a small enclosed area. "Well, we've got them captured," Ape10 said, "but what should we do with them? It's not like we can keep them here forever."

Zombielyn said with just a tint of evil in her voice, "Guuuh."

One of the minotaurs looked worried.

*****

Back in the park, the trio were sharing their adventures with each other.
Ape10 was concluding, "And we even made some money, selling the cheeseburgers!"

Zombielyn said, "Yuuuuuhhm."
Ape10 agreed, "And that's no bull!"

Spark laughed, then pointed out, "You know, technically, we're still at square one. Both of our enemies escaped, and if what The Boy says is true..." Spark shuddered.

Ape10 shrugged. "I'm not worried. We'll beat them in the end. That's what always happens in these types of stories. The good guys win, and then they all ride off into the sunset."

[Being spoiler for -Que Sera Sera highlight to view] As Ape10 and his friends investigate The Boy, shocking predictions about their own futures are uncovered.[end spoiler]

And if I can't have everything, then just give me a taste.

The internet is too big.

Proof. Man, I could (did) spend forever looking at all those links.

Knowledge sucks.






I mean it's great!

Another of them there movie lists.

Just like the fun one that went around a while back, only this one is shorter! The following 77 movies are the winners of the Best Picture Academy Award. I'll bold the ones I've seen.


1927/28 - Wings
1927/28 - Sunrise
1928/29 - The Broadway Melody

1929/30 - All Quiet on the Western Front
1930/31 - Cimarron
1921/32 - Grand Hotel
1932/33 - Cavalcade
1934 - It Happened One Night
1935 - Mutiny on the Bounty
1936 - The Great Ziegfeld
1937 - The Life of Emile Zola
1938 - You Can't Take It With You
1939 - Gone With the Wind

1940 - Rebecca
1941 - How Green Was My Valley
1942 - Mrs. Miniver
1943 - Casablanca
1944 - Going My Way
1945 - The Lost Weekend
1946 - The Best Years of Our Lives
1947 - Gentleman's Agreemant
1948 - Hamlet
1949 - All the King's Men

1950 - All About Eve
1951 - An American in Paris
1952 - The Greatest Show on Earth
1953 - From Here to Eternity
1954 - On the Waterfront
1955 - Marty
1956 - Around the World in 80 Days
1957 - The Bridge on the River Kwai
1958 - Gigi
1959 - Ben-Hur

1960 - The Apartment
1961 - West Side Story
1962 - Lawrence of Arabia
1963 - Tom Jones
1964 - My Fair Lady
1965 - The Sound of Music
1966 - A Man For All Seasons
1967 - In the Heat of the Night
1968 - Oliver!
1969 - Midnight Cowboy

1970 - Patton
1971 - The French Connection
1972 - The Godfather
1973 - The Sting
1974 - The Godfather Part II
1975 - One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
1976 - Rocky
1977 - Annie Hall
1978 - The Deer Hunter
1979 - Kramer vs. Kramer

1980 - Ordinary People
1981 - Chariots of Fire
1982 - Gandhi
1983 - Terms of Endearnment
1984 - Amadeus
1985 - Out of Africa
1986 - Platoon
1987 - The Last Emperor
1988 - Rain Man
1989 - Driving Miss Daisy

1990 - Dances With Wolves
1991 - The Silence of the Lambs
1992 - Unforgiven
1993 - Schindler's List
1994 - Forrest Gump
1995 - Braveheart
1996 - The English Patient
1997 - Titanic
1998 - Shakespeare in Love
1999 - American Beauty

2000 - Gladiator
2001 - A Beuatiful Mind
2002 - Chicago
2003 - Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Okay, the 2003 one hasn't happened yet, but c'mon, it's a given. Also, I can't believe how sucky I did in the 80s. I made up for it in the 90s and aughts, though. [grin]

Ape10 episode 2½: The Groundhog Day Special

Winter had come to Azwood, and a bitter cold front had seized the city.

" It's freezing!" Ape10 complained.

"Mehhhhh." Zombielyn mehhed.

"That's easy for you to say," said Spark. "You're dead already. But it is cold. I mean, I can see my breath. And I'm a robot!"

Just then, a groundhog scampered into Ape10's park. It stood up and said, "I need your help."

Ape10 looked at the rodent and said, "Wow! Punxsutawney Phil! Is that you?"

The groundhog looked offended and said, "Pfft. Punxsutawney Phil! That fraud? Just because he got himself a Hollywood agent, everyone thinks he's the only groundhog that can foresee the future. No, I'm not Phil. I'm Azwood Al. And I can predict the future with the best of them. Or at least, I could up until a week ago. That's why I need you.

You see, about a week back, a young child swiped my shadow. Without a shadow, I can't accurately predict the end of winter. Groundhog Day is tomorrow, but if someone doesn't do something, I'm afraid Groundhog Day will have to be cancelled."

Spark gasped. "That child! That's probably the same kid from the first episode!"

"I assumed the same thing, Spark. It appears that we have another nemesis to contend with. And if this youngster is evil enough to ruin Groundhog Day, I fear that this enemy will make Bluebush look like ...well, child's play.
But right now we must try to help Al. Don't worry, Al. You're in good hands."

Just then, Azwood Al shrieked.

Ape10 and Spark turned just in time to see Zombielyn eating Al's brain.

Zombielyn smiled sheepishly, and said, "Gruhhhhh."

Ape10 sighed and said, "Well. Now we have to find a way to really fix Groundhog Day."

Spark said, "I believe I have an idea."

******

"Did it work?" Ape10 asked.

"Like a charm." Spark smiled. " The puppet was flawless. Nobody knew that I was the actual groundhog today. Plus, I made sure that winter will be ending soon."

"That's wonderful!" Ape10 said. "And the other part of the plan?"

"Dr. Setumei said that he would be able to clone a new groundhog from Al's remains. He added that he would make sure that he turned on the Shadow Gene, so future Groundhog Days will be safe once more." Spark concluded happily.

Ape10 smiled and said, "It seems that the Groundhog Day spirit can't be stolen, no matter how hard our enemies may try to stop it. Because the true meaning of Groundhog Day is within all of us."

"Guuuhhhgg!!" Zombielyn said.


Happy Groundhog Day from everyone at Ape10!!

Sometimes, I'm really funny.

That is all.

Secret ...Agent Man

I'm posting at work, which means I must avoid enemy lines. The walls have ears. And eyes. And possibly other organs as well. It's kinda creepy.

The next few days - or weeks, even- are going to be busy. Tomorrow we've got quite a bit to do before I even go to work. But we'll have money again! Huzzah! Money fixes everything.

Tonight I will probably watch Bruce Almighty, since Mike is going to lend it to me. Free movies rule.

I've got lots of onlineness to finish up in the next few days as well. It's all boring, so I won't go into it. It's just the same old thing of feeling like needing to play catchup after being offline for any extended amount of time. Call it the Online Trap. (Not related to the Agricultural Revolution! Trap. [wink]) But, in related news, Jupe, if you're reading this, I should tell you that it might be a little longer before I respond to your email(s). By the end of February, I promise.
And don't even get me started on finishing reading Heath's manuscript. I am so far behind on doing that. I'm deeply ashamed of myself, and I feel like I should apologize (many times) to Heath for how long it's taking me. Gah. Bad friend. Bad critic.

In RL news, the 11th is some Valentine thing for homeschoolers that we're going to attend for the girls. Yay!
Friday the 13th will be the last day that my stepmom is in the house that my parents bought back in '95. Not sure if I blogged about this before or not, but my father has been living in Arizona for the past two months (after he retired from the Air Force, he got a job in AZ. Yeah. I know. Taker Insanity.), and they've finally sold the house here. So the 13th will be a goodbye dinner. Weird.

Before then, we need to arrange to get a truck so that we can pick up the dining room table and hutch that my parents owned (they're getting rid of all the old furniture). Yay for new/used stuff!

And of course, there's the Stupid Bowl coming up on Sunday. I plan on watching for the commercials, although even that doesn't seem all that appealing.
Although - in related news - yesterday we dubbed a Quizno's spot that is...well, you've just got to see it to believe it. I'm thinking that it's going to be a SuperBowl ad, simply because even though it's a horrible spot, it's memorable. Anywhat, we've shown it to several people here at work, and the reaction 90% of the time is "Is this a joke?"
It's...odd.

But the day after SBSunday is Groundhog Day! Yay!! Oddly, we don't have any plans for GHD. Suppose there's still time...

On that note, I must take my leave. The enemy is closing in.

Jupe will like this post.

We ordered pizza from Pizza Hut today, and it was the "4 For All" meal.

What's that? You ask. (I, too, have not seen the ads for it, but I'm sure they'll be coming. This thing is too good for them to not advertise it)

It's a medium square pizza, cut into four mini-personal pizzas. Each of the mini-pizzas is cut into four smaller pieces. AND! each mini-pizza can have it's own individual toppings, up to 3.
Stephanie had green peppers and onions.
Pat had pepperoni and green peppers.
Saren had cheese.
Haprer had pepperoni.

Yummy!!

Speaking of "4"... go and find some of your writing, or, just grab a pen and write the number four. Chances are that the four you draw does not look like this: --> 4
The four you drew most likely has an "open" top. But the fours that computers use (look at your keyboard, or at any of the 4s in my blog...or anywhere else online) have the "triangle" top.

I've looked around, and practically everyone draws their fours with the open top.
And practically every four drawn by computers has the closed, triangle top.

I'm convinced that in the future the way we'll be able to tell computers and humans apart is by the 4 test.

In other news, the Steph made a mondo-huge blog entry, and then the computer shut down. [cryingmonkey] Why must technology mock us? WHY!!!?????

I'm gonna getchya-getchya-getchya-getchya.

One way or another.

So I didn't brush my hair today. Or yesterday, either. I'm going the au natural route. I look like Jesus. Or Darth Vader....with hair. And a beard. Because I've not shaved in the past four days or so, and I think I'm going to grow my facial hair back out.

Saren and I have spent far too long at addictinggames.com the past two days. I suppose they gave themselves that name for a reason, huh? Saren loves SWRON, which is basically that motorcycle game from the movie Tron. ("Has anyone seen the movie Tron?" "No." "No." "No." "No." "No." "Yes....I mean no.")

I prefer the Blockout/Araknoid type games, for mindless fun, and for the ones that require thought, we spent god-only-knows how long playing Chasm (Joe is cute!!) and MOTAS (Mystery of Time and Space). I must go back to the MOTAS game, because it's highly intriguing. And I believe there are others similar to it at that site...

Yesterday I also introduced Saren to the fun that is RPG. I drew a rather small dungeon, then had her roll her dice to determine her Hit Points, Skill, Intelligence, Speed, Magic, Luck, and Silver and Gold levels. Being the DM was fun, but it reminded me of how much my imagination has atrophied. Sheesh, I used to be creative.

Anywhat, Saren loved it, and when we have some cash we'll venture on down to some of the game shops and see if we can find a true D&D (or something like it) manual/starter kit.

Hard to believe that January is almost over. I still haven't finished February's questions, although I've got the first 6...ish done already. Something tells me I'll be creating a lot of non-month-related queries come January 31st...

One way conversations with dead fictional people.

I finished reading Douglas Coupland's Hey Nostradamus! today.

I liked it quite a bit, as I like most of his books. I'd recommend it to anyone that is a fan of his, and to anyone who might not be, it's a pretty quick read.

The book is divided into four segments, each with a character doing first person narratives. The final segment was written by the least sympathetic (or perhaps the most sympathetic, if you want to look at it that way) of anyone in the book, but the ending gave me goosebumps. I'm such a sap. And by "sap", I mean "freak".

The first segment is written by a dead teenage girl, Cheryl, who is a victim of a school shooting in 1988. Coupland's treatment of grisly events - or rather, Cheryl's detatchment to them - was sort of like Slaughterhouse Five, and sort of like one of the stories from Coupland's short story collection, Life After God.

The rest of the book deals with the way the survivors of the High School Massacre that killed Cheryl are dealing with their grief. As in previous works by Coupland, ponderings on religion and belief and the future are sprinkled throughout, and while I may not agree with everything that the characters do, I felt like I could understand where most of them were coming from. And I liked them all. (Except for Reg. But I get the feeling you weren't supposed to)

Heather's section of the book was probably the most depressing. But the weird thing about the book is that even while he's bringing you down (and Coupland can be a downer), he's able to mix in a smattering of hope. It's hard to explain (or at least, it is for me. Lousy inarticulateness.) but I like it.

Douglas Coupland's books make me think, which is a good thing, even if I can't express it clearly.

So, yeah. Hey Nostradamus! gets my vote. But don't take my word for it. *ba-dum-dun!*