Haiku Review: Lost - Dr. Linus

In the other realm,
Ben Linus has to contend
with his dickless boss.

He could have power,
instead, he makes sure Alex
gets to go to Yale.

Richard's lost his faith
in Jacob. He heads to the
Black Rock. Dynomite!!!

Jack knows he's safe from
death, which has made him reckless
and kinda awesome.

Ilana boards the
Daddy Issue train: Jacob?
Her father figure.

Ilana learns Ben
killed Jacob. She forces him
to dig his own grave.

Smocke unlocks Ben's chains
says, "I'll be at the Hydra
Station. See you there!"

But Ilana stops
Ben, who breaks down and says he
regrets Jacob's death.

Ilana forgives
him, which is kinda crazy,
but to each their own.

Yay! Music montage!!
And Hurley hugs!! Heartwarming!
But now Widmore's back.

Yum!

Thursday is pizza day

Who who, who who

("Who Are You?" by The Who)

Time for a work-related tale that is hopefully entertaining, despite not having a decent denouement.

A few weeks ago we received a commercial for Auto Insurance America, which is a local insurance company (they're not nationwide like, say, Geico or All State). Anyway.
The commercial starts with a guy washing his truck (the title of the commercial is even "Truck Wash"), when he's suddenly startled by the appearance of the Auto Insurance America mascot (a cartoony/CGI Uncle Sam character. You can see what he looks like if you go to their website)

Truck Wash Guy (let's call him...Doug) yells out, "WHOA!! Who the heck are you!??"

Again, that's "who the heck are you" [my emphasis]

When the guys in Master Control were dubbing the spot, they weren't looking directly at the screen, and the inevitable reaction occurred.
"What did he just say??"

After I viewed the spot myself (several times) we came to the conclusion that, yeah, if you aren't paying attention to the commercial when it first airs (like, say, you're in the kitchen while it's on in another room), you could VERY easily mistake "heck" for "fuck".

Which is, more than likely, exactly why they chose that wording.

However, since "heck" is legally allowed by the FCC, there wasn't anything I could do about it, other than opine, "I bet we get calls about this."

We did.

It took about a week, but eventually we did get a call from an older lady who complained about the Auto Insurance America spot where the guy was swearing. After calling her back to explain that it certainly sounds like it, but, that, no, he really ISN'T saying "that word", I told her that short of getting a barrage of calls/complaints and/or also complaining to the client themselves, there wasn't anything that I coudl do about it.

The very next day, we received a revised version of the commercial. "Truck Wash Rev." came in, and intrigued, I decided I wanted to see how the edit had gone. Would they bleep Doug? Did they make a completely new commercial? Did they put fine print at the bottom of the screen saying, "He said 'heck'."? How would the makers of the commercial work around the puritan standards of our culture??

Well, it turns out that they did edit the audio.

But poorly.

Now, instead of Doug saying, "WHOA!! Who the heck are you!??"

He now says, "WHOA!! Who you!??"

Oh, man. Seriously? They couldn't leave in the "are"?? To at least make Doug sound literate? Bwahaha!

I only wish I had the ability to put it online so I could share it with everyone. It's quite amusing.

"WHOA!! Who you!??"

Haiku Review: Lost - Sundown

Huh. I figured with
a title like that, it would
be Sun-centric. Nope!

Instead, it's all 'bout
Sayid. He's a killer who
struggles with his guilt.

Just like every one
of the Sayid-centric eps.
I can't complain, though.

Sayid is still one
hell of a cool character.
Just don't piss him off.

On the island, the
battle for Sayid's soul is
under way. Let's watch!

Team Dogen (can't call
them Team Jacob...) start things off
by fighting Sayid...

...and very nearly
killing him, but then give him
a knife to kill Smocke.

So, yeah, Team Dogen's
continuing to stick with
confusion tactics.

Team Smocke's going with
(false?) promises and smooth talk.
Much more effective.

Smocke says deliver
a message for me, you'll get
to see your true love.

So Sayid tells the
Temple Others: "Come with Smocke
if you want to live."

Dogen's then all, "My
life story - let me give it
to you: Don't drive drunk."

And Sayid is all,
"Bored now." and drowns Dogen in
Resurrection Pool.

Then Smocke, in Smoke form,
goes through the Temple, killing
Others all the way.

But Smokey didn't
kill all the Others because
Lost loves it's extras.

Sayid joins Smocke and
his followers (Claire's there too)
as they head...somewhere.

In the off-Island
reality, Nadia
is alive. Hooray!

But she's married! To
Sayid's brother. Bittersweet!
Was a wish granted?.

After Sayid shoots
three goons (including Keamy!)
he finds Jin - chillin'.

Jin is tied up in
Keamy's freezer. He says, in
Korean, "I'm cool!"

Haiku Review: Moon

Sam Bell is alone.
No, "alone" isn't quite right.
It's pretty close, though.

Sam's got GERTY, who
is there to help Sam during
his three year mission.

And Sam can (and does)
talk to himself. You could say
Sam is Sam's best friend.

Haiku Review: District 9

Lots of "fooks", lots of
awesome, lots of gore, lots of
fooking awesome gore.

At first, Wikus can't
stand the Prawn. Can you blame him?
He's only human.

Wikus gets in touch
with his inner Prawn, befriends
Chris - he's a changed man.

today is Friday

normally on Fridays I post the latest haiku review of the Lost episode from this week.
However, I... um. kinda haven't seen the episode yet.

this week has been extraordinarily draining.

Monday, the 1st, was just a Monday. But after getting home from work, and then watching Chuck, and needing to wake up early the next day, I never got around to going online to blog.
Tuesday, the 2nd, was the sleepover (that Steph blogged about already) and it was fun, although that day I rode 14 miles on my bike, so I was a little bit tired. [/understatement]
Wednesday, the 3rd, was another day of riding my bike/the bus (I didn't take my bike all the way home that day, because my legs were KILLING me by that point). Instead of going online, I watched Moon.
Yesterday, the 4th, we had Sean (Steph's youngest brother) over for dinner and games, plus there was Survivor to watch, so that was another night of non-onlineness.

Which brings us to today. I'm sick, with whatever illness it was that Irina and Harper had earlier in the week, but I'm only suffering slightly. (I suspect that it might be worse tomorrow, but we'll see.)

I had originally planned for March to have a story-a-day as my blog entries, but you know what they say about plans. (They're the best way to make god laugh, and also that they're for intellectuals and morons) Besides, none of the umpteen hundred of story ideas I had over the past week or so seemed... good. Which shouldn't stop me, since it's never stopped me before, but ...I don't really have a point. Just rambling.

But, anyway. At least now I've blogged, and I do have some ideas for future blog posts for this month, so, stay tuned, I guess?

Promise made on 22810 - next month's word cloud (and, by extension, next month's blog entries) will be far more interesting than the one for February.

Haiku Review: Lost - Lighthouse

Jacob, through Hurley,
gets Jack to smash some magic
mirrors. What's his plan?

"I've been on Craphole
for a while now. Know what
I've never seen before?"...

..."A big ol' honking
castle lighthouse?" Don't worry. I doubt
we'll see it again.

We get a nod to
Season 1 with the Adam
and Eve skeletons.

Still don't know who they
are, but at least the writers
know they still exist.

Clarie's been living in
the jungle with her "friend" for
three years now. Poor girl.

In that time, she has
gone batshit fucking insane.
To put it mildly.

She's put a boar's skull
in Aaron's crib. Insert "This
Little Piggy" joke.

Claire kills an Other,
threatens to kill Kate, and shows
Jin her "friend". - It's Smocke.

In the other realm,
Jack has a teenage son named
David. Oh, that's great. ...

...Now Jack can be the
cause of some daddy issues.
But, gasp!! Not so much!!

Jack is determined
to NOT repeat his father's
mistakes. Good for him.

blah blah blah blah blah blah Hollywood

It hasn't been a good year for movie watching thus far.

Up until a few days ago we had put our Netflix account on hold, and I can't remember the last movie I watched.

But! We're all (semi) settled into the new house now, so we're once again receiving those wonderful red envelopes.

The other night we watched 9, but I don't think I'll be writing a Haiku Review of it. For one, I didn't see the entire thing - there was a 15-20 minute window where I was trying to get Silas to sleep in the other room that I missed out on.
Secondly, it wasn't that great a movie. Not that a movie has to be good for me to do a HR of it, but 9 wasn't really horrible either, just sorta... average.
Thirdly, I'm somewhat out of practice in writing haiku reviews for films, rather than Lost episodes. Heh.

I also recently watched Funny Games. Not sure how I felt about it, but I'm leaning toward "didn't like it". But then, when I start to think that's my final verdict, a voice speaks up and says, "but some of the performances...and what about the message the filmmaker was delivering about violence and whatnot?"
But then again, it wasn't something I would ever really want to rewatch... So, until I can get my opinion straight on Funny Games, probably won't write a haiku review for that, either.

Tonight (maybe) we'll watch District 9. And I suspect I'll be able to write a haiku review of that. (hopefully!)

So, have any of you guys seen any movies recently that you can recommend? I mean, there are still good films out there, right?

Haiku Review: Lost - The Substitute

Reality X:
Locke gets fired (rightfully so).
Hurley rehires him.

Locke is engaged to
Helen, and they seem happy.
Can they stay that way?

I hope Helen's
aneurysm doesn't kill
her off. That would suck.

So, Locke is a sub.
He meets another teacher -
Benjamin Linus!

Ben's a history
teacher. Which means he should have
reports on John Locke.

On the Island,
Locke's body gets buried, Ben gives
a great eulogy.

Ilana tells Ben
Smocke can not take the form of
anyone else now.

(How does she know that?)
She takes Jacob's ashes. Bet
those will be useful.

Smocke and Sawyer see
a blonde haired little boy who
Richard does not see.

Richard tells Sawyer
"Smocke wants to kill you and all
your friends. Beware!"

The boy tells Smocke that
he "can't kill him". Smocke: "Don't tell
me what I can't do!!"

Smocke leads Sawyer down
a cliffside ladder, shows him
Jacob's graffiti.

Locke, Shepard, Reyes,
Ford, Jarrah, and Kwon all have
a Number by them.

Names not on the wall,
but should be: Austen, Dawson,
Rutherford, Vincent.

Smocke says Jacob brought
all ya'll here to take over
his Island duties.

"You have 3 options,"
Smocke tells James. "1. Do nothing.
See how this plays out...

...That would make for some
boring television, though,
so let's not do that.

Option 2 is - do
what Jacob wanted - become
Island Protector."

"Protect it from what?"
James asks. "That's the joke," Smocke laughs.
"It's just an Island!!"

"Option 3 - join me.
What do you say, James? Ready
to go home?" "Hell yes."

Mama, my ass is tired

So very tired. And, sadly, so very very sore.

Some things I've learned from my biking experience today:

1) Downhill is MUCH easier than up.

2) riding down Decatur at 5:30 in the morning is less stressful than riding down Decatur at 5:30 at night (less cars. Dude. Cars? SUCK.)

3) my butt is bruised. I don't know if it's because the seat I have on the bike is too hard or I'm just not used to sitting on a bicycle seat, or if I have a weak/bony butt, but. There ya have it. It hurts to sit down right now. I'm not happy about it. But (ha!) there's not much I can do about it, either. Other than just get used to it and/or wait as it heals. *sigh*

4) ...Um. I can't remember if there was a 4. I think I did have other things to say, but that was way earlier this evening, and now I'm so beyond tired that I'm having a hard time knowing what I'm even talking about now.
On the plus side, I get to be one of the countless masses tomorrow, and I'll be able to drive in to work. (Hooray!) Steph isn't needing the van tomorrow, so I can a]sleep in and b] not have to worry about being run over by someone like me.

Oh, I remember. 5) Vegas is totally NOT bike-friendly. Mad props to my brother-in-law, Sean, for driving his bike all over the city for as long as he did. Especially in this town. I mean, seriously, would it kill the city planners to, I don't know, make sidewalks that didn't mysteriously end for no reason? And for them, when there are bike lanes on the road, to not place obstacles in the middle of them? Gah. No wonder people don't bike anywhere.

But, overall, it was a pretty cool experience. I'm not unhappy iwth it, I'm just semi-cranky due to being overtired.

Woo hoo! new bike!

New bike!

Forecast: Sore today... sorer tomorrow?

So I did a bunch of boxing* yesterday, and today my arms, shoulders, and upper back are somewhat achey. That's a good thing, though, right?

Tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday, Steph is going to keep the van. Tonight (in just a matter of minutes, actually) we are going to go out and purchase a bicycle for me so that I can ride the 2.4 miles from home to the bus stop in the morning.

Then, once the bus gets to my stop, I still need to ride another mile to get to work.

Add that to the return trip, and I'll be bicycling just about 7 miles tomorrow (and the next day, and the day after that). This ought to be interesting.


*on the Wii - I'm not insane. Real boxing hurts.

Happy (Chinese) New Year!

Well, let's see if I can restart my resolutions, since the ones I had made for zolo have all failed horribly at this point.

So far, so good. (Or maybe I should say I'm doing g-r-r-r-eat!!, since this is the year of the tiger.)

Haiku Review: Lost - What Kate Does

Why are Kate-centric
episodes so damn boring?
Guess that's What Kate Does.

What Kate Does - she runs,
butts in when she's not needed,
loves Jack... James... Jack... James

Specifically, What
Kate Does: In Reality
X, hijacks Claire's cab...

...then gives her a ride
to the adoptive parents
and the hospital.

Sure, none of it makes
much sense, but, hey! We get to
see Ethan again!

What Kate Does in the
other Reality is -
chase after Sawyer.

Not surprisingly,
the best parts had nothing to
do with Kate at all.

Sayid fails a test.
(But in his defense, he had
no time to study.)

Sayid's infected.
Just like Claire. Who is now a
Rousseau look-alike.

Some things never change

Buffybowl 9 is now one for the history books.

I don't want to spoil the ending, but it's not that difficult to guess.

It was another matchup between Adam and the Scoobies (we've decided that the way to determine which villain is used is the following: Whomever is Evil rolls one of the 6 sided die: 1 = Master, 2 = Judge, 3 = Mayor, 4 = Adam, 5 = Evil player rolls again, 6 = Good player rolls again).

I was Adam, while Saren and Harper were the Good guys - Saren controlled Useless Xander and Oz, while Harper was in charge of the female counterparts: Willow & Buffy.

It's difficult to get things done with Adam, since all your minions are vampires, and are allergic to sunlight. So, I foolishly brought Adam out, and was promptly surrounded by Willow, Xander and Oz.

I was able to kill off the witch, and Adam and Spike managed to get a few hits in on Buffy. She was, at one point, down to 3 hit points. Victory was within my grasp! I rolled Adam's 4 fight dice, and came up with three blanks and 1 stake.
Sigh.

Buffy finished Adam off in the next round.

Next year, I swear.

On the commercial front, there were several that were quite good. The Simpsons-Coke ad was an early favorite (even if it was for Coke), and I thought the beavers that played fiddles was pretty good.
We all liked the Human Bridge ad, and the Human Dolphins were funny as well, but the one that got the biggest laugh was the Dorito's ad with ...Tim. ("Tim loves Dorito's.") (Sadly, all the other Dorito's spots were painfully unamusing.)

The movies that were advertised: Prince of Persia: Sands of Time [get on DVD. maybe.]
The Wolfman [meh. DVD. Which is surprising. Steph even said, "You like wolfmen!" Which is true, but I'm just not feeling this one]
The Crazies [definitely rent]
Shutter Island [yup, want to see this one too.]
Robin Hood [pass]
and
Alice in Wonderland [looks....Tim Burtony. Which means we'll see it, of course, but while I'm excited about it, I also have reservations. There's only so much weird one can handle, you know, and I fear the scale may be broken on this one.]

Haiku Review: Lost - LA X

Looks like this season

is "It's A Wonderful Life:

Island's POV"

In other words, what

if the Island wasn't there

during the Pilot?

Well, we begin to

find out. Looks like there are two

realities here.

Reality X:

In '04, flight 815

doesn't crash. Because...

...the Island is now

an octopus's garden.

It's under the sea!

The effects here were

supremely awful. I was

all, "Lost jumped the shark!"

On the flight, Jack talks

with Rose, saves Charlie's life, sees

Desmond's twin brotha.

On the Island, Jack

gets his ass kicked by James, who

also gives death threats.

Who else is on the

flight? Hurley, Kate, James, Locke, Boone (!!),

Charlie (!!) and Sayid.

Notoriously

absent: Shannon, Nikki and

Paulo, the Tailies.

We don't see Michael,

but I bet he's off looking

for Walt in first class.

Some things are the same:

Boone still sucks as a lifeguard

("Ocean crash? We'd die.")

Jin is sadly, still

a jerk.  Kate is arrested,

Hurley won lotto.

(Although Hurley says

he never has bad luck. So

that's a big difference.)

Locke's still wheelchair bound,

and Jack still wants to fix things.

Can he fix Locke's spine?

(question - did Jacob

not touch John, Jack, Kate or James?

Does Jacob "live" here?)

Oceanic lost

Jack's dad's body. They are the

worst. airline. ever.

Lots of things happen

on the Island, in the "real"

time line. Let's review:

Juliet dies a

second deaht, so James can feel

the loss once again.

Before she dies, she

hints James should "go then. There are

other worlds than these."

A recently dead

Jacob tells Hurley to get

to the Temple. Now.

At the statue, the

fake Locke becomes Smokey and

kills Ilana's men.

Fake Locke/Smokey (Smocke?)

tells Ben he wants to go home.

He's just like E.T.!

Tells Richard it's good

to see him out of his chains.

That's slashfic fuel, there.

Tells everyone else,

"I'm disappointed in you."

Jeez. Judgmental much?

The 70s group

gets to the Temple. Some more

Others are there. Like:

Secret Asian Man.

They've told us he's an Other,

won't divulge his name.

Also, Cindy, the

stewardess from 815.

And Zach and Emma.

The guitar case that

Jacob gave Hurley held a

giant wooden ankh.

Inside that was a

piece of paper. So it's a

fortune cookie, then?

Supposedly the

note says "if Sayid dies, they're

in danger. ....in bed."

The Others then hold

Sayid underwater 'til

he ceases to breathe.

Talk about sending

mixed signals. But then, Others

have always been...odd.

Hurley says Jacob

is dead. The Others spread ash,

shoot off some fireworks.

Dead Sayid wakes up.

"What happened?" he asks. Dude. That's

what we want to know!!

Here we gooooo!!

If I were a billionaire, I would totally make a Nintendo-themed amusement park. I'm honestly shocked it hasn't been done already. A real life Super Mario World? Where you could go around riding Yoshis and saving princesses and defeating Bowsers (where's my refund?) and wearing Raccoon Suits and bouncing on flying turtles? It. would. be. AWESOME.

And that could be just one section of the park. There could also be the Zelda/Link world, and the Sonic the Hedgehog section, and the Metroid area....

Man. This so needs to happen.