Wednesday, December 18, 2002

I now present, for your reading enjoyment,

The True Story Of Christmas

Our story begins about a year before the First Xmas ever.

It involves a man named Feiz (no "L") Navidad. And his friends and family.

Feiz enjoyed gifts. Getting, giving, buying, exchanging, opening, whatever. If it involved presents, he was all over it. This meant that mostly Feiz went to lots of birthday parties. And also that Feiz had LOTS of birthdays. Since there was no such thing as Palm Pilots, or calendars, most people couldn't remember when they had been born. Therefore, Feiz could say that any day was his birthday. And nobody could dispute it.

However, eventually his friends did get a bit suspicious of his numerous celebrations, and the fact that Feiz never seemed to get older, despite having had 47 birthdays in the past week alone.

Feiz, though, was slow to get the drift, and continued to try the birthday scam. This angered his family, his friends, and even the nicest guy in town, Ebenezer Scrooge. It also ticked off Feiz's landlord, who kicked him out of his apartment.

"Where will Ieth goeth?" Feiz protestethed.

"Bah! I careth not!" sayeth his landlord. "Findeth a hotel! Ifin' they'll put uppeth with your constant birthdays!"

So Feiz packed his belongings (of which there were many, due to his past birthdays) and walked around the town, looking for someone to take pity on him. He found none, because, for whatever reason (probably because it was the Past, and the Past SUCKED ASS) there was no good will toward man.

Feiz continued to walk down 39th street, looking for a miracle.

Instead, he found a large evergreen tree, underneath which he decided to sleep under. To insure that his presents would remain safe, he threw them into the tree.

That night, while Feiz was sleeping, a man who worked at the zoo was on his way home, and passed him. The man's name was Christopher Kringle. Now, Ebenezer Scrooge may have been the nicest man in the town, but there were other folks who occasionally had acts of kindness in them as well. Plus, Chris saw that the homeless guy under the tree owned a lot of stuff.

Chris picked Feiz up, and carried him back to his home. Feiz slept on through the night, reportedly dreaming of sugar plums.

When Feiz woke the next morning, he was in shock to discover that he was inside. Upon seeing his host, he asked where he was, and how he'd gotten there.

Chris responded, "I saweth you in the cold last night, and broughteth you into my home."

"Sir! You are too kind! Sayeth....when's your birthday? I would liketh to repay you in some way." Feiz answered, amazed at this man's hospitality.

Chris Kringle pondered a bit, and then (not suprisingly) saideth: "I know not when my day of birth is."

Feiz smiled, and said the following words which changed all of history.
"Well, sir, I do know when your birthday is. It is today! We shall celebrate with a party unlike any other! It will be a festival! A day of worldwide recognition and gift exchanging! In fact, we shall name the day after you!"

Chris smiled. This sounded great! A day in his honor? A day named after him? Amazing!

They then went about spreading great cheer, giving gifts to everyone they met upon the street. Feiz told everyone who asked that this was because today was his saviour's birthday.

Chris Kringle even went so far as to deliver presents to every house in the city. If someone didn't answer the door, instead of leaving to the next home, he broke in (usually by entering the chimney) and left the gift that way. Of course, this was illegal, and before long the police were looking for Christopher Kringle. So he came up with the alias of "Santa Claus". Problem solved.

Eventually, the idea of giving gifts to people on Chris's birthday (or Christmas as it became known) caught on. It turned out that being nice to people (at least during one part of the year) was not too bad an idea. Soon songs were being written, and it was not long at all before people with commercialism for hearts started advertising the thing on television. Before long, everyone was in the Christmas spirit.


Plaah. That didnt' turn out nearly as well as I had hoped it had. Oh well. Hopefully it got a chuckle or two out of someone somewhere. Merry Xmas, guys.

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