How to boost your word count: A series in (at least) 4 parts

Part one.

Introduction:

Hi! I'm Troy Mc...oh. Wait. Hi! I'm sure you're reading this because you've discovered the wonderful world of weblogging, or, it's shortened "hip" form, "blogging". A blog is an online journal where people type lots of interesting, banal, insipid and other adjectively descriptive thoughts from their lives, and post them onto the Internet(s) for everyone else's enjoyment.

Some bloggers have...bah. This is not working! DELETED!

Starting over.

Here's how to boost your word count on your blog. There's no reason you would WANT to boost your word count, unless you were me. Which you are not. Unless you are. But YOU aren't, I am. So the point remains that these instructions are meaningless for you. But not for me.

So. Word count increasing tips.

1) Uncompound any compound words. Make doghouse into dog house. Instead of "shoehorn", type "shoe horn". Turn "breakfast" into "the first meal of the day, that is often skipped by those who don't have time due to their busy busy schedules".

2) Be wordy. Remember that while brevity is the soul of wit, if you are too brief, there's no way in hell you will end up with the desired goal of over two hundred thousand words by the end of the year. Talk talk talk! Even if (especially if!) you have nothing to say, blather on for a few more sentences. Like those who believe in fairy tales tell you,  "Every vote  word counts!" So get out there and chat away. And by "chat", of course, I mean "type". Interesting how the language of the internet hasn't caught up with the language of real life yet. Or the other way around, maybe? Bah. That's the downside to being wordy. You end up confusing (or boring) your readers as well as your self. Doh.

3) Post often. Even if you post something that is only 20 words long, if you post 98 times a day, you're half way there. [/math whiz] Plus, posting often means people will check in more frequently, and provide a lot more feedback (er, I mean feed back) than usual. Yay!

4) S p a c e  o u t  y o u r  w o r d s. Okay, technically it's cheating, but what some call "cheating", others refer to as "S t i c k i n g   i t   t o   T h e   M a n".  Thus, it is all a matter of perspective.

5) Post pictures.  They're worth a thousand words. Quick way to boost that count. Say it with images instead of symbols. (Note that I have yet to do that. Hmm.)

6) Fiction! Remember that writing stories is a lot more interesting than whatever is going on in your dull little life, so try to post some stuff about aliens and whatever.

7) Plagerize. If you can find a long article by someone on the internet, (and the internet is FULL of long articles by someone) copy and paste it. It will entertain your readers, and have the added bonus of doing a percentage of the work for you. Awesome!

So that's that. Hopefully I will fall back on these tips as the year continues, seeing how it is nearly half way over, and I'm still only at 20%. It's time for me to really kick it into gear.  In conclusion, 573.

Distractionary.

I've got rage, but this is supposed to be the Summer of Comedy ("so...when do you start being funny?") so I'm going to distract my brain with some attempts at being funny. Or something. Let's see. Maybe some jokes?

Q. What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
A. Dam!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Arkansas.
Arkansas who?
Arkansas through any piece of wood!

Q. Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A. I better not tell you, it might spread.

Okay, those were lame. And I'm still pretty peeved. I don't know that I'll be able to clear my mind of this. Why do people have to be the suck?

I did see a pretty funny site earlier today. It was zug.com, and on it, the guy decided to test out different signatures on his credit card receipts, just to see if people would still accept them.  The results are pretty amusing.

Oh, you know what? I'm starving. Hunger is always funny, right? Right? *stomach gurgles* Now, is it gurgling in agreement is the question.

I guess not. I think I'll go ahead and get some lunch. Maybe eating will put me in a better mindset.

General thoughts and reviews

Catch up time. Mmmm. Ketchup.

A bit of a warning, firstly, though. I'm kinda tirned right now. Woke up early, due to the taking of the bus and all, and in addition, the rest of SpishCo forced me (FORCED!! - seriously, with the laughing and the 'look deep into my eyes of truth' and the 'oooooooooo'. It was hilarious and unusual punishment, it was.)...um. What? Oh. Right. They forced me to go get a ginormous Pepsi (and some candy) before we stayed up late to watch The Incredibles. So, yeah. Tired is my middle name otday. Right now.

Aaaand, I'm not gonna be able to blog right now. But I'm not going to let these words be wasted, so I'll send it off, switch my shoes, and go home. More words later.

Dogs don't know it's not braaains

Ah-ha!! I found the article about the Zombie Dogs. Here.

Not sure how much validity to give that, especially since i've been unable to find it covered anywhere else, and they don't give any names of these "scientists", but I doubt that it's entirely fake, either. Plus, I got to learn the word "boffin". (It's British slang for scientist, apparently.)

In conclusion, that picture is in the running for greatest pic of the year.

854.

Go!

 

Remember the early seasons of Shrub, when Dubya was portrayed as being a simpleton? Not exactly bright, but certainly not maliciously evil and diabolical like in these latest seasons. Yeah. I miss the early years.

 

 

 

So, this entry is going to be another one of those “add on to it whenever I’ve got something to say” type of deals. You know the kind. Hopefully it will add up to the desired goal of eight hundred and fifty four words. Without feeling …unnecessarily prolix.

 

 

 

The spaces will signify passing time, and/or the change of subject. Just so’s we’re clear.

Now, I believe I must go screen the Maury Povich show, and “Beat Street” and attend the Discrepancy Report Meeting. First one since Fuck Face left! Should be interesting. Although somehow I doubt that there will be doughnuts. There are never any doughnuts. [sigh]

 

 

 

I realize that it’s probably best not to think too much about a talk show – especially one like The Maury Povich Show – but the thing I don’t get about these paternity test shows is when the guys come on and say how much of a ‘ho’ the woman is. Criticizing how ‘easy’ she is, and how she ‘sleeps with everyone’. Um. If this information is widely known, then why the hell are you sleeping with her? Granted, the urge to reproduce is strong, but show a little restraint, people!

In conclusion, I think that having to view The Maury Povich Show and The Jerry Springer Show has greatly contributed to any misanthropy that I may be exhibiting, or may exhibit in the future.

 

 

 

Why do I have nothing to say? I had hoped that I’d have much more written at this point in the day than I do. I mean I’m not even at the half way point in the daily goal. Sigh.

 

 

Also, my eyes hurt.

 

 

On the way into work this morning, I was listening to The Howard Stern Show (what? Sometimes it’s funny. And besides, it’s a hell of a lot better than any of the other dreck  on the radio.) Anyway. I was listening to Howard Stern, and they made mention of a news story about these scientists who removed the blood of a dog, froze it (the dog, not the blood) and then returned the blood to the body, thus reviving it – three hours later. I was going to post a link to the story along with some commentary about Zombie Dogs, but CNN has nothing on it. I guess that’s what I get for trying to get blog information from Howard Stern, eh?

 

But, seriously, Zombie Dogs would be cool to talk about. Lots of good stories. Plus, I mean, the Undead Army that Will’s been predicting for years? They need to have Undead Pets, don’t they? So it makes sense that they’d have to create Zombie Mutts.

 

Of course, in reality, this sort of “science” freaks me the fuck out. Enough with the control, issues, people. The circle of life is not meant to be tampered with.

 

While thinking about Zombie Dog, though, I got to thinking that it might make for an interesting and/or funny story. Zombie Dog! Perhaps paired up with someone else who has bested Death.

 

Say…Jesus?

 

The Adventures of Jesus Christ and Zombie Dog!! – coming this Fall to Pax TV.

 

Heh.

 

Actually, that makes me wonder – where was Jesus (or his soul, I guess) supposedly at during those three days between his crucifixion and his resurrection? Heaven? How’d that go?

 

Jesus: “Well, Dad, these three days have been a blast, but I got to get back down to Earth now.”

God: “’Kay. We’ll see you soon. Don’t forget to let Zombie Dog out before you go. If he poops in the house again, there’ll be hell to pay!”

 

 

 

 

Actually, maybe this whole resurrection of the dead thing will be a good thing? It’ll help put some closure on the whole “afterlife” issue. You know, like the folks in Flatliners were trying to do?

 

 

 

 

Tomorrow is going to be …interesting. At 7:30 in the morning we are having a conference call with corporate in order to work out the final Fall Schedule for both stations. (I doubt that The Adventures of Jesus Christ and Zombie Dog will make it. But maybe it could be a midseason replacement?) Anyway, we work on that, get corporate to concur with what we’ve got scheduled, and then send out the revised grids to everyone. And then, according to Tina, it’s best to leave the building, because that is when the Salespeople freak.

 

See, earlier in the year, a proposed schedule was created, and that is what the Sales Department has been using to get clients to buy ads. Apparently they do this every year, even though every year, the Final Schedule is ALWAYS vastly different from the Proposed Schedule. That’s all fine and dandy. Everyone is in agreement that the Proposed Schedule will NOT match the Final. Except that, from what Tina tells me, every year when the Final Schedule is released, there’s an uproar from the Sales Department about what’s been placed where. Sigh.

 

Maybe, though, she’s making it sound worse than it will be. I guess I’ll find out tomorrow.

 

And, hey, look at that. I am now at …883 words for the day. Well done!

Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

Recently, the AFI released their 100 greatest movie quotes. I’ll list below the ones that come from movies that I have seen. (I was going to list all of them, but that’s boring. Besides, it’s all about me. If you want to list them all on your own blog, and highlight the ones you’ve seen, the complete list, along with a description of how the choices were made is available here.)

Anyway, lots of people have complained about the quotes that didn’t make it, and I thought about doing that, but I’ve got a twist. See, the #1 quote ended up being, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” And it wasn’t that long ago (well, okay, it was before I was born, but still) that “damn” was not acceptable for broadcast on television. Which got me thinking. There are lots of unacceptable for broadcast words. Well, technically, it’s really a small minuscule percentage of the words that are said. But still. The point is that certain “unclean” words appear in some very famous movie quotes, which the AFI ignored altogether. I’m here to remedy that.

So, without further ado, I present

The Top 10 Movie Quotes Which Contain the Word ‘Fuck’, or Some Variation Thereof.

10. “This is FARGIN’ WAR!!” ~ Roman Moronie, Johnny Dangerously [Heee. Fargin’.]

9. “Did you fuck my wife?” ~ Jake La Motta, Raging Bull [this gets in mostly due to it’s notoriety from Eddie Izzard, I didn’t care much for the movie Raging Bull]

8. “Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you! Who’s next?” ~ Saul, Coming to America

7. “Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw!” ~ Heather Chandler, Heathers

6. “Don’t fuck with the babysitter!” ~ Chris, Adventures in Babysitting

5. “Fucking... What the fuck. Who the fuck fucked this fucking... How did you two fucking fucks...FUCK!!” ~ Rocco, The Boondock Saints

 4. “All right! I am the Messiah! Now fuck off!”
“How shall we fuck off, O Lord?” ~  Brian, and his masses, Life of Brian

 3. “Shut your fucking face, Uncle Fucker!” and “Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?” ~ South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut ["Uncle Fucker" is certainly one of the catchiest songs ever. And the German quote is just priceless. A tie for 3^rd]

2. “My god, I haven’t been fucked like that since grade school.” ~ Marla, Fight Club

and the number #1 movie quote which contains ‘fuck’ or some variation thereof is….

 

“Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!” ~ John McClane, the Die Hard movies.

Let the battling over the forgotten quotes and/or the order of the winners begin now.

Um. Well, after I list the AFI quotes from movies I’ve seen…

 

4	Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.	THE WIZARD OF OZ	1939
8	May the Force be with you.	STAR WARS	1977
15	E.T. phone home.	E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL	1982
16	They call me Mister Tibbs!	IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT	1967
17	Rosebud.	CITIZEN KANE	1941
21	A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.	THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS	1991
23	There's no place like home.	THE WIZARD OF OZ	1939
29	You can't handle the truth!	A FEW GOOD MEN	1992
33	I'll have what she's having.	WHEN HARRY MET SALLY	1989
35	You're gonna need a bigger boat.	JAWS	1975
37	I'll be back.	THE TERMINATOR	1984
39	If you build it, he will come.	FIELD OF DREAMS	1989
40	Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.	FORREST GUMP	1994
44	I see dead people.	THE SIXTH SENSE	1999
54	There's no crying in baseball!	A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN	1992
56	A boy's best friend is his mother.	PSYCHO	1960
66	Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape.	PLANET OF THE APES	1968
68	Here's Johnny!	THE SHINING	1980
69	They're here!	POLTERGEIST	1982
72	No wire hangers, ever!	MOMMIE DEAREST	1981
76	Hasta la vista, baby.	TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY	1991
77	Soylent Green is people!	SOYLENT GREEN	1973
78	Open the pod bay doors, HAL.	2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY	1968
79	Striker: Surely you can't be serious.  Rumack: I am serious…and don't call me Shirley.	AIRPLANE!	1980
80	Yo, Adrian!	ROCKY	1976
85	My precious.	THE LORD OF THE RINGS: TWO TOWERS	2002
88	Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armor.  Don't you forget it.  You're going to get back on that horse, and I'm going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we're gonna go, go, go!	ON GOLDEN POND	1981
94	I feel the need - the need for speed!	TOP GUN	1986
95	Carpe diem.  Seize the day, boys.  Make your lives extraordinary.	DEAD POETS SOCIETY	1989
96	Snap out of it!	MOONSTRUCK	1987
97	My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you.	YANKEE DOODLE DANDY	1942
98	Nobody puts Baby in a corner.	DIRTY DANCING	1987
99	I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!	WIZARD OF OZ, THE	1939
100	I'm king of the world!	TITANIC	1997

TTFN to Piglet and Tigger

Paul Winchell (voice of Tigger) and John Fiedler (voice of Piglet) have both passed away. The Hundred Acre Woods will not be the same. [frown]

58% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

In other news, I hate when one changes their password, and then spends the next week (or month or five) typing in the wrong info.

Yesterday was busy.

We went to the circus, and I finished reading Mindscan. I really should blog about both, but I'm not in the mood to blog about such things. Both events (is reading a book an event??) were enjoyable, and maybe some date in the not too distant future I'll expound upon them. Or not. I'm feeling very

Blah. This was supposed to be the Summer of Comedy. "So when do you start being funny?"

Oh, I should do the word count thing, since I missed doing it yesterday. Of course, the idea of me reaching the goal by year's end is sort of a joke, so I guess the Summer of Comedy is still going strong.

Note to self: Blogging while in a sour mood results in less than stellar blog entries.

41,111 / 200,005 (20.0%)

What an artist the world is losing in me!

So, it turns out that it's not a zombie plot (unless it is...), but the reason that the Vegas sky is an unusual orange/red (again...or, still) is because there are numerous fires surrounding the city. Seems that those lightning storms we had a couple days back started some fires that are still out of control.

The city isn't in any danger, but the surrounding areas (Mt. Charleston, Red Rock Canyon, etc) are having the people who live there evacuate.

Hey! Maybe the fires are really folks burning flags in protest. You know, while they still legally can.

Zombie plot

I just came in from outside, and beside it being unthinkably freakin' HOT, there is also a disturbing Night of the Comet reddish pink hue to the air.

I'm thinking that it's some sort of heinous plot to turn us all into zombies.

On the bright side, maybe once I'm among the undead, the heat won't matter so much. Hmmm.

Today is June 23rd.

Excellent. The above (below?) experiment was a success! Hooray! That means that I can make this entry that I had wanted to make with no problem.

Lots to talk about, so be prepared for a longish entry.

We went to the library on Sunday. I am very happy with the selection of books I checked out, so I'm going to gloat about them for a bit.

The 5 books I checked out were:

Tales of the Vampires by Joss Whedon and a bunch of other Buffy writers and comic drawers. I'll be reviewing this later in this blog entry. With spoiler tags!

Reinventing Comics: How Imagination and Technology are Revolutionizing an Art Form by Scott McCloud. This is a sequel to Understanding Comics which I know that Jess talked about earlier this year. I haven't finished reading this yet, but I think that Jess would appreciate it. Also, she'd be MUCH more articulate regarding it than I ever could dream of being, so, um, basically Jess, you should read this book.

Mindscan by Robert J. Sawyer. I started this yesterday (because I left Reinventing Comics at work. Doh!) and I'm only 3 chapters in, but I am LOVING it. Sawyer is one of my favorite authors, and it looks like this work will not disappoint. Finally, some fiction - that isn't a graphic novel - that I can get into again. Yay!

Better Off: Flipping the Switch on Technology by Eric Bende. Looks interesting. The author (and his wife, I believe) decide to live an entire year with no electricity at all. Should provide some insight into life off the grid.

and

Welcome to the Machine: Science, Surveillance, and the Culture of Control by Derrick Jensen and George Draffan. Jensen is one of the harshest critics of civilization and I've read practically every other book he's written, so I'm gonna give this one a go. Plus, being scared shitless by the amount of surveillance going on by those "in control" ought to be fun. [grin]

I'll let you know my inarticulate thoughts on these books as I finish them. Thus far the only one I've completed is Tales of the Vampires. That was a mishmash, seeing how it was an anthology of short comic tales done by several different artists. But it was Buffy-related, so I checked it out. Here's the skinny on each story.

The book, apparently, was originally released as 4 or 5 issues, each having part of the overall arc as well as some of the vignettes of vampiric tales. I would be pretty pissed to have to spend 3 bucks a pop for something that would be only 15 pages long, but that might just be me. Anyway, the book I got from the libe was all of them collected into one. (Apparently the term is "trade paperback". I'm slowly learning the comic book lingo.)

The varied tales of the vampires are, as I said above, connected by the narrative thread from the beginning, where a group of Watchers-in-Training are being introduced to an ancient vampire that the Watcher's Council has as a prisoner.
And now is the time on P@rix when we use spoilers.

[Begin spoiler for Tales of the Vampires - highlight to view]
Four young Watchers are brought down into a dungeon, where an obviously old vampire, named Roche, is chained up. The premise is that they have been brought to the vampire in order to hear the vampire tell them stories of what vampires are like in the real world.
Roche tells them 11 tales of vampires - 12 if you count his own, where we learn the shocking twist that his sire was actually a young girl, who winds up being one of the Watchers in training.

The watchers in training aren't really developed well enough to care about, save for Edna, the protagonist. As the story progresses, we learn that she is "in love with the baker's boy", and in the very end we discover that the "baker's boy" is working at Giles' Bakery, thus implying that she is going to grow up to be the mother of Rupert Giles. Aww.

[end spoiler]

Now, for the tales that are told...

[begin spoiler for Father - highlight to view]
This story was by Jane Espenson, and was one of the best in the bunch.  It begins in 1930, with a young boy stating that "something bad happened to his father once". It shows his dad being turned into a vamp. When he rises from his grave, he makes his way home, and doesn't kill his young child. (Vamps who show some humanity really do make the best stories, don't they?) Instead, he continues to be a dad, and takes his boy for outings to the Santa Monica Pier - at night, of course.

In 1945, the boy is now a young man, back from the war. He meets a young woman, and they have a night wedding so that his father can attend.

1950, the narrator and his wife have a child, and his mother-in-law gets some bad vibes about the father being around the baby. When the son tells him he can't be around the infant, the mother-in-law goes missing.

Then he doesn't see his father for 50 years. Year 2000, and the narrator is now old, saying he doesn't have much time left, tracks his dad down so they can reconnect. His father - who is supposed to be a soulless monster - takes care of him for 3 years while the narrator is bedridden.

The final pages are heartbreaking. The old man is lying in bed with his father sitting next to him. The narration reads: "This is how we were, right before the door was kicked in." And it then shows a Slayer (I thought it was Buffy at first, but it doesn't look exactly like her) kicking the door in, taking the father, throwing him up against the wall, and staking him.
The Slayer turns to the old man and says, "Was he going to hurt you?"
[narration box] I said no. I said he took care of me.
Slayer: I'm sorry. Was he your son?
[narration box] I said yes. It was close enough.

[frown]
[end spoiler]

[begin spoiler for Spot the Vampire - highlight to view]
Also by Jane Espenson, but lame!
It's told in verse, and it's pretty awful. The drawing is childish as well, so I guess it's supposed to be like a children's book? I don't know. The scene opens with a bunch of customers at a shopping mall at Xmas time, and the poem is asking you to detect which person is actually a vampire.
Turns out at the end that the whole picture at the beginning was in a mirror, and the vampire was behind you, not casting a reflection. What?
[end spoiler]

Next came Dust Bowl... [begin spoiler for Dust Bowl - highlight to view]
Yet another Espenson tale, this time about a mother and son in 1933 Kansas.
The mother and son own a farm and are trying to get through the Depression and the Dust Storms of that era. A storm arises one day, and a man is traveling through. The mom invites the man in, saying they couldn't leave him out in the storm. The next morning, the mom is a vamp. She tries to kill her son, and in the process he bites her, thus turning himself.

When he reawakens as a vamp, he's disoriented, and winds up killing his mom. (Accidentally, I think.) He goes out and feeds on a cow, then makes it to the neighbor's farm. He wants to turn the neighbor, but since he doesn't make the "other person needs blood" connection, he only kills her.

He puts up a sign on his farm saying, "Room for rent - cheap" and feeds off passersby.

The end shows the growing stack of dead bodies in the barn with the caption reading, "It's just another kind of ranching."

Yeah, most of these are pretty pointless, when you think about it.[end spoiler]

[begin spoiler for Jack - highlight to view]
Brett Matthews did the story for this rather pedestrian telling of how Jack the Ripper was actually a vampire. Yawn.
[end spoiler]

[begin spoiler for Stacy - highlight to view]
Joss Whedon wrote this one, and you can tell. I mean that both positively and negatively. Stacy tells the story of a disenchanted teenage girl, and it's peppered with pop culture references and Whedonesque witticisms. (Whatever other faults he may have, he can be pretty darn funny.)
Stacy complains that nobody understands her, and her life was empty until she got turned into a vampire, and now she's alive.
I suppose this could be a metaphor for being in cliques? Or gangs? Religion, maybe? I'm not sure. All of these tales are like little character studies. But they aren't really long enough to give insight into  the characters, ya know? Meh.
[end spoiler]

[begin spoiler for Some Like It Hot - highlight to view]
Ugh.
This one was just awful.
It was written by Sam Loeb, and tells the tale of a vampire who, while being pretty happy with the life he has, misses the sun. So he tracks down a mad scientist who takes out his heart and replaces it with a silver...box? I don't know. Anyway, yeah, it was mandated in that one episode of Angel that if a vamp removes their heart, they can be in the sun for 24 hour hours, and then they go poof. And Some Like it Hot makes mention of that.
But apparently, if you put a piece of silver in the place where the heart was, then they can live forever. (I don't know.)
So this vamp that wants nothing more than to feel the warmth of the sun again, has this scientist do the operation. He then goes out into the sun, starts to sweat, and complains that it's too damn hot.

All that for a stupid one-liner? Lame!
[end spoiler]

[begin spoiler for The Problem with Vampires - highlight to view]
Drew Goddard wrote this one. It's about Spike and Dru, set in Prague. Um. It was okay, I guess.
[end spoiler]

[begin spoiler for Taking Care of Business - highlight to view]
Written by Ben Edlund. An ancient vampire - even older than the Master! - is the centerpiece of this one. This creature has devolved quite a bit, looking suspiciously like an Ubervamp[rolleyes], which is kinda interesting. Also he is covered with cross marks, as though either he tortures himself or has been repeatedly introduced to crosses.

It begins with CrossVamp in a convince store, buying candy. A man in a priest outfit walks in, buys some candy as well. CrossVamp decides that the priest will be his next victim. Before killing the man, though, he opts to tell his life story. Turns out that CrossVamp has been around since the Inquisition, and that he has made a history of killing holy men. Priests, chaplains, bishops, anyone that was a member of the Church. Because, he felt, he was doing God's work.

The priest listens to all this and just eats his candy. When CrossVamp doesn't sense any fear coming from his potential victim, he questions him about it. The priest tells him that he is God. And he wants CrossVamp to go sit out in the desert until the sun comes up. CrossVamp, humbled by being in the presence of God Almighty, wanders off into the desert. "God" stands there for a bit, and then a police cruiser shows up and the sheriff asks "Hollis" where he got the priest suit (mail order) and if he hasn't been taking his meds anymore. Hollis says he met a vampire tonight. Sheriff says, "Oh, is that so? And what happened?" Hollis replies, "I think my Jesus beat his Napoleon."

Okay, so the payoff was kinda lame. But I really would've liked to have seen more of CrossVamp - like maybe on the show. He seemed sufficiently scary.
[end spoiler]

[begin spoiler for Dames - highlight to view]
This was all noirish. About a vamp in Vegas who spies a woman that he wants to kill. Takes her to a makeout cliff area, is going to turn her, and she ends up pushing him off the edge and taking his wallet. Ends with him at the bottom of the cliff waiting for the sun to come up. It probably could've been better, and maybe I'm not giving it enough credit, but I'm also getting somewhat tired of typing. [wink]
Luckily there's only 2 left.
[end spoiler]

[begin spoiler for Antique - highlight to view]
UGH!

Second to "Spot the Vampire", this one has to be the worst in the lot.

It has Buffy, along with two other Slayers - so it's post-"Chosen", arriving at Dracula's castle.
The entire thing is basically Dracula trying to frighten the Slayers, and them not buying it. Drac and Buffy fight, with Drac saying how even though she's the Leader of the Slayers right NOW, eventually her power will wane because she'll grow older. Her influence will lessen, and she'll become fodder for stale movies and television shows. (heh.)

Anyway, the reason that Buffy & Co. were at Dracula's abode was because he "has something that belongs to me" (Buffy's words) and she wants it back.
The "something" ends up being Xander.
Xander, who still has the eyepatch, has (re)become Dracula's bitch-monkey. He lurches around, and has stubble and appears very Igoresque. If it's supposed to be funny, it falls short. What it does is ruin the memory of Xander Harris' character.

But, wait, there's more!

Eventually Dracula says that Buffy can take Xander with her. But before he goes, Dracula turns to Xander and says, "I'm going to release you fro you trance now. Please know - I have very much enjoyed your company. This past year has been one of the best years of my life."

Year???

It took Buffy and her Slayers a full YEAR to decide to rescue her friend? Granted, maybe they didn't know where he was, and it took some research to determine that it was Dracula that was holding Xander, but Jesus Christ. Xander was held hostage and humiliated for a full year?

I suppose I shouldn't let a comic book interpretation of a fictional character bother me. But it just feels like further salt on the wound of what the Buffyverse became. [sigh]
[end spoiler]

[begin spoiler for Numb - highlight to view]
This is just boring Angel/Angelus torment stuff that we've seen a hundred times before. Nothing exciting here.
[end spoiler]

So all in all, I'd say Tales of the Vampires is okay to check out from the library, if you're a fan of Buffy, but not worth paying for.

In other news, Karen Denise Small (that's her name. I've heard enough messages from her now to have picked it up) - the ...um...viewer who left me the message - called today and the receptionist patched her through to me so I could talk to her in person. The conversation went thusly:

Me: "Programming, this is Pat."
KDS: "Um...oh. I just wanted to say that I love the programming on the WB and UPN. Thank you."
click.

Huh. I guess getting hold of a live person was more than she was expecting. [shrug]

In other other news, there are 23 days left until the next Harry Potter book comes out. I guess we better preorder our copy, eh?

Phew. This was a lengthy one.

Heh.

Lesson - make sure all your boxes are checked. Or NOT checked, as the case may be.

Thus concludes todays valuable internet secret.

Math equals funny.

*while shopping for clothes*

*P@ gives a dubious look to a shirt that soandso holds up*

soandso: You don't know anything about fashion, so you can't say anything.

P@: I don't know anything about fractions?

soandso: That either.

P@: I only know two thirds of what you do about fractions. Heh. I'm so
using that in my blog.

My day so far.

Awesome. Weird. Awesomely weird.

Woke up at 5, since today is a CAT bus day. Groggily got up, poured
myself a bowl of Psuedo Lucky Charms, read some of my book (which, I
need to blog about the books I got from the library on Sunday. Remind
myself to do that, okay, P@?), showered. Showering woke me up - some.
Blah blah blah. Got ready the rest of the way, and left the house at
6:15. When I stepped outside, the first thing I noticed was a puddle
near the back of the car. My first thought (yay for jumping to
conclusions!!) was that the radiator had sprung some kind of leak and
that the car was gonna be FUBAR.

I approached the car and got a closer look (with Kevin Trudeau) and
found that my conclusion jumping was unfounded. (Heh. Found that it was
unfounded? I bet my English teachers ain't too happy with that one.) It
turned out that it had rained sometime in the night, and the puddle was
just left over from the storm.

Walked to the bus stop and got on the bus with Spike Lee and about 15
other Vegasians. The bus driver informed the crowd that the bus "has
air, but it isn't working." Hmm. I'm hoping for a different bus on the
way home, because 'round 4pm, that ain't gonna be a fun vehicle to be
in. Fortunately, at 6:35 in the morning, the heat wasn't too bad.

Once we got over the I-15, I saw that the on ramp was shut down, with a
police cruiser blocking the entrance and lots of orange cones.
Eavesdropping from some fellow bus rider's conversations (not that they
were being all secretive), I heard that a semi had overturned on the
freeway, and they had shut it down. Ick. I thought of Steph, since she'd
be going out that way today with the girls, and mentally reminded myself
to email her about it as soon as I got in. (Done!)

Got to the bus stop, got off the bus, and began walking toward 7-11 for
a Super Big Gulp. (I needed some caffeine) While in line with my soda, I
heard a distant "boom" from outside. I wondered briefly what it was, but
no one else seemed to notice, and I didn't see any explosions, so it was
quickly forgotten.

Bought my soda - oh, and by the way, I'm on to you 7-11!! I know all
about your evil penny conspiracy. See, Super Big Gulps are (for a
limited time) 89 cents. Which, with tax, comes to 96. So when you use a
dollar to pay for it, gives you four cents change. Basically, 7-11 wants
to get rid of all of their pennies. Nice try, Sev, but I ain't falling
for it! I put the pennies in the penny container and began walking to work.

While walking, I thought to myself, "Taking the bus is kinda cool. You
get to see so many unusual things when you walk that you miss when you
drive." What had spurred that thought was the inordinate amount of
baseball cards I saw lying in the street. The things were EVERYWHERE!
I wondered who had dropped them, and what the story behind them was. Did
someone simply say, "Baseball cards? Bah! Who needs these?" and decide
to toss their four year collection out the window? Was it some modern
day Hansel and Gretel, lost in the city of Las Vegas, leaving a trail of
Mark McGuires to find their way home? I may never know.

As I was continuing my walk, I noticed a half-opened package of fish on
the sidewalk. (See? Strangest things!) There were ants swarming all over
it. I had time to say "Awesome!" out loud, and then I was soaking wet.

A downpour of rain came out of nowhere - seriously, the sky above me was
still blue! - and completely drenched me (my hair is still not
completely dry) for the rest of my walk (about two and a half blocks). I
laughed out loud as the rain washed over me. The lighting flashes in the
distance provided visual entertainment, and the extra loud thunderclap
completed the experience.

Once I got inside, I put away my lunch, powered up the computer, emailed
Steph, and blogged this. The rain, quickly as it started, has already
gone. Although a coworker says that it's supposed to be like this all
day, so maybe I'll have more weather related tales to tell later. The
day is turning out great, and it's not even eight o'clock yet.