Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Goatest story ever told

Billy was 9 when the Supreme Creator of the Universe first spoke to him directly.

He was at a petting zoo, when he heard the voice behind him. "Billy."

Young Billy turned to see who had spoken. His father was watching off in the distance, along with several approaching families, but this voice had come from the opposite direction.

One of the goats looked at Billy with it's bizarre square-shaped pupils and opened it's mouth. "Hey there," it said.

Billy was surprised to hear a goat speaking, but handled it pretty well. He screamed in absolute terror, and ran toward his father. Goat ran after him (as goats generally do) saying, "Billy. Stop making a scene. I have something important to tell you."

Needless to say, this did not make Billy calmer. His father had already jumped into the petting zoo's fenced-in area, and was running to scoop up his horrified child.
Goat sighed. "I was hoping we wouldn't have to do this the Old Testament way. Humans are so stubborn." Goat then butted Billy in the butt, knocking him down. Billy had the wind knocked out of him. An eternity seemed to pass as Billy's mind processed everything that had recently happened:

A goat spoke to me. And then chased me. And then rammed it's head into my butt and oh my god, I can't breathe!

And then Billy took a huge breath inward, and cried like he hadn't since he was a little baby. All he wanted was to be back home where there weren't goats that talked and he wasn't being assaulted by barnyard animals.

And now it's nearly 11pm, and tomorrow is a 15 hour work day, so I'll have to work on/finish this story later.

1 comment:

Amy said...

I'm totally not fucking with you: this may be the best story you've ever written.