("Right Where It Belongs by Nine Inch Nails)
Random ..ish. entry time.
I keep having moments of ...like near enlightenment? Semi-woke-ness? I don't know what to call it exactly, but it's like these flashes of insight of things that should be obvious to like, everyone. An example. The other day while driving, I realized that everyone else has their own worlds they are in. That even people I dislike or don't really think about at all... they have their own backstories and lives and dreams and fears and wants and thoughts and ideas. And...yea, obviously I've thought that and known that and I don't think of every single person as some sort of NPC or anything like that, but it's just ...sometimes you kind of forget that all these other people are.... other people. And the realization hit me and it was just like Oh my god. That guy actually exists BEYOND the three minutes that I interacted with him.
I'm explaining it horribly, I suspect. OR I'm maybe making myself sound borderline psychotic, but that's another thing, lately I've been running low on fucks to give about how I'm perceived.
Okay, that's a gross over-exaggeration, because I am still largely motivated by other's perceptions of me, but ...here and there, I'm starting to accept the idea that "who cares if I look foolish?" Or if I'm wrong about something? Yolo, right? Congrats, P@, it only took 40 years to start to grow up.
Interestingly, I think that it's my classes that are pushing these developments. We had to give impromptu speeches last Tuesday, and while I was still shaky/nervous before (and a little bit after), I did fine, and I was like, "I'm just going to give it my best, and it's not like I'm ever going to see any of these people again after the next three months, so does it really matter what they think?"
Anyway. Yesterday during Com class we watched a few TED speeches, and one of them was from a teacher and she said something that had me have one of those "mini-woke" moments - she talked about how she has had classes that she felt like she failed because they didn't meet academic guidelines (I'm paraphrasing), and it just hit me that ...teachers have to feel a massive amount of responsibility for whether their students pass or fail or are learning or are interested at all. It was like, "holy cow, I never REALLY thought of it from the teacher's point of view before."
Speaking of teachers... one of my friends in high school - a guy I really admired - wound up becoming a teacher. About a year ago, I decided to google him, just to see what he's been up to (we haven't spoken in nearly 2 decades, I am not in touch with anyone that I attended high school with) and ...found that he had been arrested for inappropriate conduct with a student.
It's like, jesus, it really is #allmen.
I had an idea for a story (or, hey, maybe it should be a reality) of a pill that reduces/eliminates libido. It would be called Libidon't. (heh) But, seriously, I wonder if there were a way to make men less interested in passing on their genetic code if that would ...fix anything. Probably a lot of stuff, yeah, but I'm sure there would still be some other problems. Maybe. Because I do think that SO MUCH of the craptacular toxic masculinity rape culture problems we have derives from the power of the penis and guys believing that they need/deserve to do whatever it takes in order to spread their seed.
Since this is a random entry, I don't really have a conclusion, and I have other things I need to be doing online, so I'm just gonna hit publish and leave it at that.
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