Haiku Review: Lost - Ab Aeterno

Ricardo, you got
some 'splainin' to do. So he
does, via flashback.

Richard lived in Spain
in 1867
with his dog, Vincent.*

Richard's wife gets sick
so he goes to the doctor,
who's a total prick.

Is he perhaps Jack's
great-great-great-great-grandfather?
We'll never find out.

Since Richard killed him
(completely by accident).
Richard must now hang.

That's not the worst part.
Richard's wife, Isabella,
ended up dying.

So now Richard is
a widower on death row.
Things are looking grim.

He gets sold into
slavery by a priest who
sucks bad at his job.

Richard is on board
the Black Rock, which hits the storm
of the century.

The boat somehow takes
down the statue and lands in
the jungle, unharmed.

Smokey shows up, kills
everyone except Richard.
That was nice of him.

Then Smokey decides
to play dead wife/good cop to
make Richard confused.

Smokey appears as
the Man in Black, tells Richard
"go and stab Jacob".

Jacob, of course, thinks
this plan sucks. He convinces
Richard of this truth.

By "convince", I mean
he tries to drown him, then grants
him eternal life.

Then Jacob is all,
"Look. There's only, like, seven
episodes left, so...

...let me spell some stuff
out. Me and Smokey wanna
know - do people suck?...

...Smokey thinks you do,
but then, he's a bit biased
cuz his mom was nuts."

And I was all, "Um.
This is old info, dude. We
learned this last season."

So Jacob said, "Here's
something you don't know, then:
Smokey's like fine wine...

...and the Island is
like a cork, keeping Smokey
here, where he belongs."

Richard's dead wife warns:
Don't let that cork-soaker, Smocke,
get off the Island.

cuz if that fargin'
icehole gets off the Island,
we all go to hell.