Monday, January 09, 2012

A few Sundays ago, as I was leaving church, I found God's wallet. It looked like an ordinary wallet when I first saw it, but the identification inside stated that the owner was the Almighty.

I was quite surprised by this finding for many reasons. First, I did not know that God carried a wallet. Upon further thought, though, it made sense. Even the Lord needs a place to store His money.

The other surprising thing was that He'd lost his wallet at all. I had always assumed that God was all-knowing. Logic would dictate that an all-knowing being could never misplace anything. I dismissed this, however, with the fact that perhaps God had other things on His mind, and just hadn't come back for His wallet yet.

Which was the third surprise that occurred to me - God attended the same church that I did!?! So... my religion was the right one! Cha-ching!! Instant access into heaven!
And, I suddenly realized, now that i had God's wallet, I had the potential to a saint or something. I could imagine it vividly... me. ... the patron saint of lost wallets. It brought a smile to my face.

First, though, I needed to return the sacred possession to the owner.

I briefly considered the Lost and Found, then discarded the idea in favor of tracking Him down and returning it in person.

I looked around the near-empty building. Most of the church-goers cleared out rapidly at sermon's-end, but a few like myself had not yet made it to the doors. None of the people still in the church looked like God. That is, no one was an old man with a long white beard, donning robes and glowing. Perhaps, I reasoned, my conception of God's appearance was wrong.

I opened the wallet and removed the driver's license. (God drives??)

The photo was blurry and unclear. Not Glamor Shots material, for sure. I could detect a somewhat high forehead atop which sat some (in my opinion, unnaturally) curly hair. I wondered if perhaps God had had a perm before the picture was taken.

His skin looked flawless (not a surprise) and did have a hint of angelic glow about it.

He was sporting facial hair, although it was brown, not white, and it was well-kept and short. It did wonders on concealing his age. Judging by the photo, he looked to be maybe 40 or 45. Not a day over infinity.

According to the ID, his birthdate was 01/01/01. His address was, ironically enough, the address of the church.

Looking through the rest of the wallet, I discovered a passport, a social security card (all 9s), a credit card (MasterCard, of course) and several denominations of bills (American money, and foreign bills of all kinds: yen, pesos, Euros, shekal, francs and more.)

I also found some "family" photos. There was, of course, teh Father, Son and Holy Ghost, several shots of Jesus (I could see the resemblance), one or two really old ones of Mary, plus an autographed picture of God shaking hands with Elvis Presley. The writing on the back said, "Long live the King. - EP"

Finding nothing else of interest (all things considered), I put everything back as I had found it, and carrying the wallet, left the church to see if God was still in the parking lot.

There was someone getting into a Pathfinder who, from the back, looked like they could possibly be God..

I ran to the person and tapped him on the shoulder. "You forgot..." I stopped when I saw that this man was NOT Our Father. He looked at me with a puzzled look on his face, "Yes?"

"Um. You... forgot to introduce yourself." I finished, sticking out my hand,I gave him my name. Cautiously, the man shook my hand and introduced himself.

"Well," I said, "guess I'll be going, now that I've met you." I tried to sound genuinely happy, but I'm sure the man thought I was psychotic.
"Okay." The man answered. "Nice... to meet you." He climbed into his truck and drove away.

The parking lot was utterly abandoned. I would have to track down God somewhere else.

1 comment:

CosmicAvatar said...

I find this tale to be both random and hilarious.

Also, hello! Welcome back after all this time, and my apologies for only noticing your return now...