AKA the Piemaker
He should get more work
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Haiku Review: Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day
AKA the Piemaker
He should get more work
Haiku Review: House on Haunted Hill
are what give remakes a bad
reputation, dude.
Haiku Review: Fallen
Denzel Washington
and John Goodman star in this
thriller 'bout demons
Had some effective
scenes and it made "Time is on
my side" way creepy
and John Goodman star in this
thriller 'bout demons
Had some effective
scenes and it made "Time is on
my side" way creepy
Haiku Review: Six Days, Seven Nights
have no chemistry and are
not compatible
In addition they
have significant others
already. And yet...
After a Jewel
of the Nile rip-off, they both
dump their mates. So dumb.
Haiku Review: Network
the message' seems to be the
lesson to learn here.
And that networks will
do anything for ratings
which we've seen is true.
Haiku Review: North Country
a Minnesotan miner
demands equal rights
After harassment
Aimes says, "Enough!" and sues the
bastards. You go, girl!!
Haiku Review: The Out of Towners
New York City treats him bad
but it's fun to watch
Haiku Review: Vampires
hunters in league with The Church
plus - James Woods! Kick-ass!
Haiku Review: The Never Ending Story 3
No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No. No.
Haiku Review: The Omega Man
it up in "I Am Legend"
from the '70's
May have been edgy,
controversial back then
it hasn't aged well
And while I rooted
for the infected to win
his death was empty
Haiku Review: The Pursuit of Happyness
to provide a better life
back in the '80's
Haiku Review: 30 Days of Night
flick that has, you know, horror!
The vamps were vicious
The townspeople were
the right mix of ingenious
and fodder. A+
Haiku Review: Platinum Blonde
been making the romantic
comedy for years.
Not a lot to say
'bout this lightly amusing
'31 talkie
Haiku Review: Idle Hands
in every single teen film
ever made, or what?
Still, zombie-Seth Green
helps make this brain dead mess a
little more pleasant
Haiku Review: The Howling
viewed the nostalgic eyes but
upon rewatch, meh.
It may very well
be the most boring werewolf
movie ever made.
Haiku Review: Baby Mama
read from the phone book and I would
find it amusing
Fortunately, this
is more entertaining than
narrating phone books
Haiku Review: Shopgirl
give subdued performances
slow paced film works well
Haiku Review: Saw V
fifth Saw not near the first one
but better than 4
Kinda sucks that we
find out Jigsaw had a cop
under his employ
Still, good to have John
teaching morality through
death, dismemberment
Haiku Review: Armageddon
so just turn off your brain and
watch things explode. Boom!!
Also, Liv Tyler
and Ben Affleck are pretty.
Yay! Pretty people!!
Haiku Review: Hollywood Homicide
freakin' Olin, this was a
boring, crazy mess
It had too much flash
not enough substance... much like
Hollywood itself.
Haiku Review: Halloween: Resurrection
I think this effectively
killed off Halloween
I mean hell, Jamie
Lee Curtis bites it in the
first fifteen minutes
And it goes down hill
from there. Busta Rhymes. Web show.
Insulting ending.
Haiku Review: Mystery Men
between Invisible Boy
Mr. Furious
William H. Macy
kicks ass with his shovels, which
I can really dig
Haiku Review: The TV Set
pilot that starts as one thing
ends being... not that.
Funny, although bit
predictable at times, I'd
give it a B plus
Haiku Review: The Mod Squad
you must turn old shows to films,
they should entertain.
Dear Clarie Danes, I've seen
almost everything you've done.
You're better than this.
Haiku Review: The Station Agent
replace people as your friends"
this movie's lesson.
Haiku Review: The Lookout
brain - scrambled. Would be robbers
manipulate him
If you're gonna rob
a bank, make sure your lookout
doesn't have morals.
Haiku Review: Alien: Resurrection
equals 'what the fucking fuck?'
Some bits were cool, though:
The underwater
fight, the Ripley clones, and the
airlock window death.
Haiku Review: Hannibal
Hannibal was better than
Silence of the Lambs
Lecter was always
the most fascinating of
the characters, yes?
So watching him do
cat-and-mouse with Sterling was
highly rewarding
And Gary Oldman
as despicable Mason
truly amazing
Also, I liked this
performance of Clarice
a little bit Moore.
The brain-eating scene
was somewhat over-the-top
or, not to my taste.
Haiku Review: Otis
recreating his past through
kidnapping, torture
But when his victim
has unstable family
then there's hell to pay
Haiku Review: Superman: Doomsday
then comes back, but that's a clone
then he's back for real.
Haiku Review: No Country for Old Men
on a coin toss?" asks killer
with wacky haircut.
Haiku Review: Dirty Deeds
and U.S. Mafia mix
with deadly results
Lots of swearing and
accents and corruption and
a wonderful cast
Haiku Review: The Grudge
people cause weird shit, like when
Buffy's head grows hands
Haiku Review: Candyman
scary-ass horror movie
check out Madsen's hair!!
Practically every
part of "Candyman" succeeds
great plot, acting, scares
Why can't more horror
films be made like this one was?
But please, no remake!
Haiku Review: The Contractor
befriends a little girl. Hmmm.
Sounds familiar, no?
However, even
Sarah Connor can't rescue
a film this boring
Haiku Review: Men in Black II
Et tu, Tommy Lee Jones? Sigh.
How do you guys sleep?
Pointless sequel that
was made just to make money
so not worth your time
Haiku Review: United 93
September the 11th
no jingo slant, too.
I wish this wasn't
based on actual events.
Alas, it happened.
Haiku Review: Right at Your Door
in L.A. Paranoia
and chaos result
Realistic feel
at least for the first three-fourths
"twist" end not needed
Haiku Review: Fight Club
I hope I'm being clever
How's that working out?
Fight Club is one of
the most important films of
the modern era
Added bonus - it's
also stock full of great quotes,
and very funny
The things you own end
up owning you. I know this
'cuz Tyler knows this.
Fight Club is a call
to action, to do something,
to stop wasting life
Worker bees can leave
even drones can fly away
The Queen is their slave
Haiku Review: Futurama: Bender's Game
Dungeons and Dragons. And we
watch Futurama
Not much of the plot
made sense, but the jokes were on.
Bring on Green Yonder
Haiku Review: Lethal Weapon IV
Chris Rock could save this. We're all
too old for this shit.
Haiku Review: Colma: The Musical
than citizens (true story!)
but... no zombies here.
Although you could say
the folks living there fight death
metaphorically
Mostly, though, it's just
a very real (and funny)
teen drama with songs
Haiku Review: Dude, Where's My Car?
And then... some more gags. And then...
Dude! Sweet! Dude! And then...
Haiku Review: Kit Kittredge: An American Girl
Great Depression. We can use
it as a primer!
Kit teaches us that
money isn't everything
friends and support are.
Hard times bring out the
best and the worst in people
watch for inept crooks
Haiku Review: Boogeyman
no sense, but was watchable
anyway. Weird, huh?
I think in part it
was due to Barry Watson.
I know. I'm shocked, too.
Haiku Review: Fish Don't Blink
I ever meet Wil Wheaton
I'll ask, "My God... WHY??!!??"
Lea Thompson and
Richard Greico, too. What the
hell were they thinking?
Haiku Review: Stealing Time
bright 20-something gets brain
tumor, plans bank heist
Haiku Review: Westworld
it's just like Jurassic Park
without dinosaurs
Human looking bots
kill. Just like Terminator
without time travel.
Haiku Review: How to Kill Your Neighbor's Dog
lessons in humanity
from neighbor's daughter
Haiku Review: Watch It
that's neither romantic nor
comedic. Quite bad.
Four assholes play jokes
on each other, discuss their
love lives. Don't watch it.
Haiku Review: Escape from New York
of bad-ass is Snake Plissken
we thought he was dead
They force him to save
the President (of what?) from
the Duke of New York
Haiku Review: X-Men: The Last Stand
and women fight each other
and inner turmoil.
If you take comics
too seriously, you may
not like this. Just chill.
Lots of messages
about acceptance and stuff
X-men are subtle.
Haiku Review: Shadow of Fear
other rich lawyers but there's
no reason to care
Convoluted plot
mediocre acting and
so-so story line.
Lacey Chabert has
grown up and is super hot
aside from that, yawn.
Haiku Review: Stealing Harvard
get thirty-thou for his niece
to go to Harvard
His pal Duffy "helps"
by coming up with get-rich
quick schemes that don't work.
When Tom Green tones down
his shtick, he can be funny
which was news to me.
Haiku Review: Year of the Dog
obsessions. Peggy's is dogs
and all animals.
Mismarketed as
a romantic comedy
dark, tragic, but good.
Haiku Review: Jeepers Creepers
corn country stumble upon
killer's lair. Oops!
Killer chases them
turns out to be... a demon
who eats body parts!
Psychic warnings and
crazy cat lady and the
temple of bodies
Between creepy and
absurd there's a fine line. It
gets crossed few times here.
Haiku Review: Jeepers Creepers 2
part 1, "The Creeper" chomps down
a basketball team.
Ray Wise, that devil,
fights back against the demon
using a ...harpoon?
Haiku Review: What Would Jesus Buy?
the Church of Stop Shopping try,
in vain, to convert
While entertaining,
it's unlikely that this film
will have much impact
I mean, if we're not
consumers, then who are we?
Now here, go buy it.
Haiku Review: Vulgar
a clown who can't pay his bills
and his mom hates him
Decides he'll earn cash
working at bachelor parties
...not such a good plan.
Deliverance-style
three men rape him, beat him up
not easy to watch.
Haiku Review: The Invisible
story that makes sense for once?
Apparently not.
And sure, this was more
a "limbo" story than ghost
but my point still stands
Haiku Review: The River King
dead in the river. School says
it was suicide
One cop thinks 'murder'.
Is he right, or is he just
haunted by his past?
Haiku Review: We Own the Night
was missing from this drama
needed more... something.
The performances
were all fine, and the story
was compelling, but...
Perhaps more turmoil
for Phoenix's character
before going clean?
Haiku Review: Zorba the Greek
us feet so we could dance and
hearts so we could love
That Greek had a lust
for life that was infectious.
Dance! Laugh! Sing! Love! Live!!
Haiku Review: Thank You For Smoking
Nick Naylor is dangerous
his weapons are words.
Nick is a master
of spin, so he's great at his
job - distorting truth
Haiku Review: Real Genius
in a lot of crap movies
this is not one. Yay!
Of course, it isn't
all that amazing, either,
but I've seen much worse.
Haiku Review: Little Shop of Horrors
for Mushnik in his plant shop.
Where? Down on Skid Row.
He pines for Audrey
but she's with Orin, who's a
dentist (Oh, Mama!)
Audrey II arrives
and brings success and fame to
Seymour - for a price.
Turns out Audrey II
needs blood to survive, and it's
always Suppertime.
Orin beats Audrey
"The guy sure looks like plant food
to me," sings Seymour.
After he's killed, the
cops suspect foul play. Audrey
is upset, but then...
Suddenly Seymour
is standing beside her with
sweet understanding
The duo plan to
marry and live Somewhere Tthat's
Green. ...but not too green.
Audrey II has plans
too. Like world domination!
That's One Bad Mother!
Seymour and the plant
battle to the death. Seymour
wins, thanks to a wire.
Yes, I know there was
an alternate ending. I
like this one better.
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