Haiku Review: Lost - The End

"It only ends once."
Well, actually, we got two
endings, didn't we?

This is what took place
in Sideways World: Each of the
characters "wakes up".

This "waking up: means
remembering their Island
life (and sometimes death).

As each character
has their epiphany, lots
of great music plays.

Most of these wake ups
happen thanks to loved ones from
their days on the Isle.

I guess in The End
the love you make is equal
to the love you wake.

I wanted to hear
"You All Everybody" at
the Drive Shaft concert.

I like to pretend
it was played during the Church
scene at the end, though.

But I'm not quite there.
Let's go to the Island and
see what happened there.

Desmond was rescued
by Rose, Bernard and Vincent.
(Yay, Vincent!! Good dog!!)

Only to be caught
by Smocke moments later. Then
Jack & co. show up.

Jack's all, "Let me take
you to the Light. The thing
I'm meant to protect."

Once there, Jack & Smocke
lower Des into the Light.
Des removes a cork.

Really. There's a stone
cork plugging up a hole. Des
pulls it out. Earthquake!!

The Island begins
to sink. Jack and Smocke battle.
Smocke is mortal now.

Smocke starts to cut Jack's
neck (I knew it!), but then Kate
shoots Smocke in the chest.

Jack kicks Smocke off a
cliff, and he falls to his death.
Well, that was simple.

But, even with Smocke
dead, the Isle is still sinking.
Must put back the cork.

Jack says he'll do it.
Hurley says it's suicide.
Kate and Sawyer leave.

They're on their way to
Hydra, where Frank and Richard
are alive and well.

Miles is with them, too,
and they're repairing the plane
with duct tape. Hee hee!

Jack needs to put the
cork back in. Since that will kill
him, he transfers the...

...title of "Island
Protector" to Hurley. First
smart thing Jack's done.

Jack gets lowered down
by Hurley and Ben. He puts
the giant cork back.

He has Hurley pull
Desmond back up. And that's it
for Des, Island-wise.

We don't see him get
reunited with Penny,
or his son, Charlie.

But, he does see them
in another life, brotha.
So...hooray for death?

And, it's implied that
Hurley, as the new Jacob,
helps Desmond get home.

Hurley asks Ben to
be the new Richard Alpert.
Aww. Hurley's so sweet.

Kate and Sawyer find
Claire, say, "Come with us." Claire says,
"No." Then says, "OK."

Kate, Claire, Frank, Richard,
Sawyer, and Miles are the new
Oceanic Six.

I guess technically
they're the Ajira Six. Point
is, they're who escape.

(Until 3 years pass
and Richard yells, "We have to
go back, Kate!!!" Ha ha)

Time to revisit
Sideways World one last time. We're
nearing the Ending(s).

The concert is done
and (You All) Everybody
is now at the Church.

Except Jack. He meets
up with Kate, who mentions how
long she has missed him.

Then she says she'll see
him at the Church for the Lost
cast wrap-up party.

Ben is outside the
Church. Hurley invites him in,
but Ben says, "No thanks."

Hurley tells Ben he
was a great number 2, and
Ben tells Hurley he...

...was a great number
one. I think they're talking 'bout
the "fan favorite" poll.

Jack enters the Church,
goes to his dad's coffin. He
opens it. ...empty!!

Christian's body is
always getting LOST, isn't
it? Oh, wait. He's here.

Standing behind his
son, Christian explains Sideways
World to Jack (and us).

All the people in
this world are dead. Some, like Boone,
from before Jack died.

Others, like Hurley,
died "much, much later". But, they're
all dead. ('cept David)

[I haven't figured
out David. Why would Jack and
Juliet make him?]

This world was a place
created by the Losties
for them to meet up...

...before they "move on".
Then (You All) Everybody
hugs and smiles and cries.

Christian opens the
Church doors, and there's a Light. (Same
Light from the Island?)

That's it for Sideways.
All Losties go to Heaven.
(Except those who don't)

But it's not The End.
Lost truly ends with Jack, now
almost at life's end.

He stumbles to the
spot he first woke up on the
Island, and lies down.

Vincent trods over
and kisses Jack's face, lies down
next to him (Good dog!!)

Jack watches as the
Ajira plane flies over.
At peace, Jack smiles, dies.

Lost concludes with a
close up of an eye shutting.
Hey! It's Matthew Fox!


So, there we have it. No more Lost. No more Lost haiku.
I was pretty disappointed with the finale, and I was going to rant at length about it here, but almost don't want to. I'm irritated that I've given it so much thought, even 5 days later. I want to "let go" of Lost myself. Maybe I do need to rant, just to be able to do so.
Lost was never a perfect program, during my rewatch of the first 4 seasons between season 5 & 6, I noticed a LOT of problems with it. But it was entertaining - wildly so in many instances, and for a very long time, I considered it my all time favorite show EVER. (Yes, even beating out Buffy and Angel. Because *those* programs have some pretty bad flaws too)
But the finale... and this final season...*sigh*
I wasn't expecting answers for everything. And it's not like I want the answers to be spoon-fed to me, but to have SO MANY THINGS just completely dropped altogether is a complete slap in the face.
Another haiku:

Dear Cuse and Lindelof,
Please look into this thing called
Chekov's gun. Thanks, P@.


Seriously. So many things were just red herrings. Volcanos, Walt's specialness, the Egyptian hieroglyphs, the Dharma food drops, the interconnections of the Losties before they boarded the plane... I'm sure many of you have already seen this, but here's a pretty funny list of "unanswered questions" from Lost.

The David abandonment was bothersome. Jack (and Juliet) create a fictional child to help themselves get over their own issues, and then, once they realize they're dead, and the kid doesn't exist, just go, "Oh, okay. On to heaven it is, then!"
And, of course, Sawyer doesn't get to bring his daughter to heaven.
And Aaron is there...but as a baby.
And Ji Yeon isn't there at all.
I think the writers might have issues.

Some of the other things I've seen around about how the finale could've been improved have been interesting. I liked the idea of having "Christian" actually be the Smoke Monster, and Sideways World was a trap he made to lead all the Losties into the Light. The final shot would have been of 20-some-odd Smoke Monsters destroying the world.

Another thing that's irritating about the finale is that despite the creators talking about how Lost was "about the characters, not the mysteries" is...no. They didn't wrap up any of the character's arcs except Jack. We don't know what happened with Richard, Kate, Sawyer, etc. Or Hurley and Ben (although apparently there's going to be "missing footage" on the DVD set of exactly that).
Or the Island itself. The Island was a charcter too, ya know. And, in fact, I'd say it was the one that people wanted to know the most about.
By leaving all these things unanswered, they have absolutely a) pissed off a LOT of people
and b) ensured that fanfic and sequels and comics and books and movies and spinoffs are absolutely going to happen. I hope they're happy, but I highly doubt I'll invest in any of them. I want to put the Lost universe behind me. (Wish me luck. I somehow doubt the Island is done with me.)

The best part about
Lost ending is I can stop
watching ABC.

Haiku Review: Lost - What They Died For

Penultimate Lost!!
How on earth will we survive
once this is over?

In Sideways world, Jack
wakes up with a bleeding neck.
Sign of things to come?

Jack has breakfast with
his son, David, who reminds
him 'bout the concert.

David's mom will be
there. It's obvious that she
is Juliet, but...

...since that's so easy
to see and not a twist, I
hope it's someone else.

Desmond prank calls Jack,
says they found his dad's body.
That's just cruel, brotha.

Next, Des drives to Locke's
school, where he plans to run down
Locke once again. Ha!

Ben stops Desmond, who
claims he ran Locke over to
help him let go. Hmmm.

He then proceeds to
beat the crap out of Ben, which
makes Ben remember.

When Ben tells Locke what
Des said about letting go,
Locke's all, "Jack said that!!"

Ben has dinner with
Alex and her mom, Danielle,
and it goes quite well.

Locke returns to Jack:
"I believe in destiny.
Or maybe it's Fate."

Jack says my line: "Don't
underestimate the strength
of coincidence."

Acutally, he says
Eko's line: "Don't mistake fate
for coincidence."

Scratch that. Reverse it.
"Don't mistake coincidence
for fate." There we go.

Either way, Locke says
he's ready to get out of
his wheelchair. Awesome.

Meanwhile, Desmond has
turned himself in to the cops.
Hi, Kate! Hi, Sayid!

With help from Hurley
and Ana-Lucia, Des
gets them out of jail.

Sayid and Hurley
leave together, while Des tells
Kate "it's concert time."

Ben, Miles and Richard
finally get to Ben's old house.
(What took them so long?)

Widmore and Zoe
are already there. Widmore
says Jacob sent him.

Well, that explains how
Widmore got back after he
was banished (if true).

Here comes Smocke! Miles says,
"I've seen what this guy can do."
Decides to run, hide.

Richard says, "I'll talk
to him." Which ...doesn't end well
for our poor Spaniard.

Ben hides Widmore in
his closet, instantly tells
Smocke where he's at. Ha!!

Smocke cuts Zoe's throat.
So, add that one to the list.
Widmore starts to talk...

...but then Ben shoots him.
So long, Widmore. (Be sure to
tell Miles your secrets.)

Let's check in on the
Final Four (Kate, Hurley, Jack
and Sawyer), shall we?

Jack has to sew up
Kate's wound. It's like the reverse
of the pilot ep!

While getting sewn up,
Kate mourns for Ji Yeon, since her
parents forgot her.

She tells Jack, "We have
to kill Locke." (She means Smocke. Locke's
dead, remember Kate?)

Anyway. They head
off to find Des in the well
since Sayid said to.

Hurley gets stopped by
young Jacob. Or maybe it's
young Jacob's ghost. Um.

This kinda bugged me.
We've seen Jacob as a ghost.
His ghost is grown up.

So where'd young Jacob
come from? How can he be both
a kid and adult?

Plus, it's not like he
died when he was a child. So,
really, what the hell?

Well, whatever. Young
Jacob grabs his ashes from
Hurley, runs away.

Hurley finds Jacob
(in adult form) waiting for
him. "Let's have a talk."

The Final Four are
gathered around a campfire.
Jacob clues them in.

"Listen. One of ya'll
have to take over my job.
'Cuz I'm, you know, dead."

To no one's surprise,
Jack volunteers. He follows
Jacob to the Light.

(Which, it turns out, is
right next to where Jack woke up
back in the pilot.)

Jack drinks some magic
water, now they're the same. So...
call him Jackob now?

Smocke, meanwhile, has found
that Des is not in the well.
He tells Ben that he...

...is gonna destroy
the Island. Yeah. Right. There's just
one episode left.

The End is nearly
upon us. Last chance to share
your theories, questions.

Haiku Review: Lost - Across the Sea

Since Lost is wrapping
up, and there are lots of loose
threads, let's flash way back.

Pregnant woman winds
up stranded on the Island.
Whoa. Déjà vu, dude.

An unnamed woman
finds and takes in the pregnant
woman, Claudia.

Hmm. I think unnamed
woman needs a name. I think
Crazy Pants works well.

Some other names we
might consider: Smoke Momster,
or how about Eve?

Well, whatever we
call her, she ends up summing
up Lost perfectly:

"Every question I
answer will simply lead to
another question."

Claudia gives birth
to a boy named Jacob. As
well as his brother.

And then Crazy Pants
smashes Claudia's head in
with a rock. Brutal!

Since Jacob's brother
is never directly named,
we had to come up...

...with possible names:
Milo, José, Boy in Black.
Or how about Adam?

Years pass. Crazy Pants
raises Jacob and Milo,
fills their heads with lies.

Lies such as: there is
nothing except the Island,
men are dangerous.

...Okay, that's more a
generalization than an
outright lie, but still.

Crazy Pants shows the
boys a magic cave of light.
She says, "Protect it."

Claudia's ghost tells
Milo the truth about all
of Crazy Pants lies.

Well, screw that, he says,
and leaves to join Claudia's
clan. Jacob stays back.

30 years later,
Milo is still trying to
get off the Island.

He discovered the
electromagnetic spots,
built the donkey wheel.

Crazy Pants is not
happy to learn about this.
Says, "No way, José."

She knocks him out, then
fills in the well, and slaughters
...well, ...everybody.

(This has led to the
specualtion that she might
be a smoke monster)

Then she takes Jacob
back to the magic light cave,
has him drink some wine.

This makes them "the same",
meaning he knows everything
and we still don't, right?

Milo comes to, finds
his people slaughtered, then goes
and stabs Crazy Pants.

Jacob gets pissed off,
throws Milo into the light.
Smokey emerges.

Jacob takes Milo's
corpse, along with Smoke Momster's,
puts them in the caves.

Where Jack, Kate and Locke
(remember them?) will find them
centuries later.

Lots of questions were
raised by this ep (see comments)
but remember...

Every question I
answer will simply lead to
another question.

Haiku Review: Lost - The Candidate

John Locke proclaims that
he won't walk 500 miles,
much to Jack's chagrin.

Jack: "I can fix you."
Locke: "But then we'd get married.
So, thanks, but no thanks."

Mr. Fix-It's all,
"Don't tell me what I can't do!"
and invades Locke's life.

Jack asks Locke's dentist
(who happens to be Bernard)
for info on Locke.

Does doctor-patient
confidentiality
mean anything, guys?

Well, whatever. Jack
visits Locke's dad, Anthony.
And he's brain dead. Ha!!

Karma's a bitch, ain't
it, Mr. Cooper? (I'll take
'drooling' as a yes.)

Turns out Locke and his
pop were in a plane crash three
years prior, which caused...

...Locke's paralysis,
his dad's vegetative state.
So Locke feels guilty.

Claire shows up. She and
Jack ponder the music box
Christian willed to her.

Jack: "Stay with me, Claire."
Since they're practically strangers,
Claire would have said yes.

But then Jack reminds
her that they're related, so
Claire might say no. Heh.

Widmore has Hurley,
James, Jin and Sun, Kate and Frank
locked in a bear cage.

Then Widmore's lackeys
die due to second hand smoke.
Jack unlocks the cage.

They make their way to
the Ajira plane. The plan
is to fly away.

Smocke got to the plane
first. He killed two more Widmore
guards, then went on board.

Inside, the plane was
rigged with C-4 explosives.
This show loves C-4.

Smocke shows the bomb to
the group, says, "we'll need to take
Widmore's sub instead."

Sawyer informs Jack
he doesn't trust Smocke, so don't
let him on the sub.

Once there, there is yet
another shoot out, and Kate
winds up getting shot.

Smocke: "I've secretly
replaced Jack's regular pack
with one with C-4!"

The sub dives away,
leaving Claire behind. AGAIN!
Girl can't catch a break!

But Smocke tells her, "You
don't want to be on that sub.
It's much too sad there."

And he's right. But I'm
getting ahead of myself.
First, they find the bomb.

Jack says, "I've played this
game before! Don't worry, we
can't blow up. We're safe!"

Sawyer ain't buying
it, though. He pulls some wires and..
the timer speeds up!

Sayid: "Jack, save Des."
Then, he takes the bomb, goes boom.
There is no Sayid.

The sub starts to flood.
Sawyer gets knocked out. Frank gets
killed. (maybe he lived?)

Sun gets trapped by some
debris. Jin says he won't leave.
The room is flooding.

Hurley rescues Kate.
Jack escapes with Sawyer. Sun
and Jin stay behind.

Rest In Peace Sayid,
Jin, Sun, maybe Frank, and lots
of Widmore's lackeys.

Sadly, I expect
more blood to be spilled in the
last few episodes.

Haiku Review: Lost - The Last Recruit

Linear story
telling is so passé. Let's
bounce around, shall we?

Poor Miss Littleton.
Always being abandoned.
Until Kate arrives.

She's talked her out of
being crazy. At least, it
seems that way for now.

Well, well, well. It looks
as though Des survived his fall.
Now... did Sayid shoot?

Jack is on a boat
Until Sawyer kicks him off,
so he swims ashore.

(By the way, what's in
the back pack that Jack has on?
Bet it's a plot twist!)

Smocke meets Jack on shore.
Widmore tries to blow them up.
Smocke: "You're with me now."

Over on Hydra,
Jin & Sun - reunited
and it feels so good!

Although the pylons
had me worried they'd get fried.
(Joss would've done it.)

Meanwhile, in LA,
Kate and Sayid are both caught
by cops Ford & Straume

Claire, through Desmond, meets
Ilana, who has Christian's
will to read to her.

Jack gets called in to
do surgery on John Locke.
"Hey! I know this guy!"

Haiku Review: Lost - Everybody Loves Hugo

Hurley's pretty great,
but he's lonely - no soul mate.
There's Libby! It's fate!

Libby's got a hunch.
She and Hurley have their lunch.
Des makes Locke go crunch.

Why did Des attack
Locke in his car? For payback?
Or to cause flashback?

Hey! There's Michael's ghost!
Oops, now Ilana is toast.
Jack trusts Hurley most.

He blew up Black Rock,
now Hurley wants to talk
with the thing called Smocke.

Who is Island Boy?
He shows up, Smocke is annoyed.
Jacob reborn? Oy!

Des tells Smocke, "I'm swell"
Smocke throws Desmond down a well.
My response - "Oh hell!"

Haiku Review: Lost - Happily Ever After

Widmore thinks Des has
one hell of a magnetic
personality.

After Des gets zapped
by a massive EMF,
he goes to alt-world.

There, things are good for
Des. For one thing, he's got the
respect of Widmore.

However, it's not
Happily Ever After,
fairy-tale perfect.

Because Des has to
babysit Charlie. Plus, he's
never met Penny.

Charlie tells hi when
he died on the plane, he had
a glimpse of true love.

Charlie steers the car
into the ocean. Well that's
just a bad idea.

Sorry, Charlie, you're
not a tuna, so you can't
live under the sea.

While Charlie almost
drowns, Des has a vision of
that time he did drown.

An MRI gives
Des flashes of his Lost-life.
He must find Penny!

Eloise Widmore,
for some reason, doesn't want
Des to meet Penny.

Maybe she doesn't
want the universe to do
a course correction.

After all, in this
reality, her son is
still alive and well.

Dan Widmore tells Des
"I think I made the whole world
through use of a nuke."

Desmond probably
thinks Dan is off his rocker,
but Dan knows Penny!

She's his half-sister,
and he tells Des where he can
find her. Nice job, Dan!

Penny is in the
stadium where Des first met
Jack, in season two.

They meet, and Des is
back on the Island, where he's
Mr. Calm and Cool.

Des calmly goes with
Sayid, after he kills most
of Widmore's lackeys.

Back in the alt-world, Des
wants the manifest so he
can "show them something".

Haiku Review: Lost - The Package

In the alt-world, there
were plenty of things reVealed
about Sun. *ahem*

Apparently, oneof Lost's sponsors this week wasVictoria's Secret.
Anyway. We findout that Sun and Jin are notwed, but still make loVe.
And while the coupleapproVe of pre-maritalsex, Sun's dad doesn't.
Man, Daddy issuesplague our Losties no matterwhat dimension, huh? Not only did Sun'sdad steal her cash, he alsoplanned to haVe Jin whacked.
Of course, Sayid makessure that doesn't happen, aswe already saw.
But. While Sayidtook care of Keamy and co,there was still Patchy.
Who started off notneeding his trademark eyepatch.-didn't stay that way.
Sadly, Sun gets hitby a stray bullet. And wefind out she's pregnant.
On the Island, Smockegoes to Sun, says, "Hey, join myteam! It'll be fun!"
But Sun has a thingabout trusting walking smokethat looks like dead Locke.
So, she runs away,and hits her head on the Treeof Forgetfulness.
Once she comes to, sheno longer speaks English. Justlike her alt-world self!
Meanwhile, Widmore's crewdrugs Smocke's team and kidnaps Jin.Who are these people?!?
Can't anyone on the Island simply talk to each other? Why's it... ...always gotta bekidnapping and subterfuge?Niceness works wonders.
Zoe asks Jin toexplain some of the Dharmamaps. Jin's not helpful.
He might haVe been, ifyou hadn't tazed him, Zo....e.Again, try niceness.
Widmore tells Jin, ifSmocke gets off the Island, wewill cease to exist.
Well, that's intriguing.And also good incentiVefor Jin to help you.
Widmore decides toshow Jin "the package", which soundshomoerotic.
But, it turns out it'sDesmond, just like the whole worldalready guessed.
When Smocke finds that Jinis missing, he takes SayidoVer to Hydra.
Pretend there's a great"Smoke on the Water" joke here.I can't think of one.
Smocke confronts Widmore,tells him that war just arriVed.Wonder who will win.

Haiku Review: Lost - Ab Aeterno

Ricardo, you got
some 'splainin' to do. So he
does, via flashback.

Richard lived in Spain
in 1867
with his dog, Vincent.*

Richard's wife gets sick
so he goes to the doctor,
who's a total prick.

Is he perhaps Jack's
great-great-great-great-grandfather?
We'll never find out.

Since Richard killed him
(completely by accident).
Richard must now hang.

That's not the worst part.
Richard's wife, Isabella,
ended up dying.

So now Richard is
a widower on death row.
Things are looking grim.

He gets sold into
slavery by a priest who
sucks bad at his job.

Richard is on board
the Black Rock, which hits the storm
of the century.

The boat somehow takes
down the statue and lands in
the jungle, unharmed.

Smokey shows up, kills
everyone except Richard.
That was nice of him.

Then Smokey decides
to play dead wife/good cop to
make Richard confused.

Smokey appears as
the Man in Black, tells Richard
"go and stab Jacob".

Jacob, of course, thinks
this plan sucks. He convinces
Richard of this truth.

By "convince", I mean
he tries to drown him, then grants
him eternal life.

Then Jacob is all,
"Look. There's only, like, seven
episodes left, so...

...let me spell some stuff
out. Me and Smokey wanna
know - do people suck?...

...Smokey thinks you do,
but then, he's a bit biased
cuz his mom was nuts."

And I was all, "Um.
This is old info, dude. We
learned this last season."

So Jacob said, "Here's
something you don't know, then:
Smokey's like fine wine...

...and the Island is
like a cork, keeping Smokey
here, where he belongs."

Richard's dead wife warns:
Don't let that cork-soaker, Smocke,
get off the Island.

cuz if that fargin'
icehole gets off the Island,
we all go to hell.

Haiku Review: Lost - Recon

So, in the alt-world,
James Ford is a policeman.
Miles is his partner.

I guess every cop
is a criminal, and all
the sinners saints, right?

Well, no. Kate is still
on the run from the law, though
she's not good at it.

Here's a hint, Kate -
don't run your getaway car
into a cop car.

James still has desire
to find and kill Anthony
Cooper (still Locke's dad?)

I have a theory
Smocke is from the sideways world
and wants to get back.

Evidence, maybe?
Smocke has issues with his mom
instead of his dad!

Smocke tells Kate his mom
caused him "growing pains". Show me
that smile again, Smocke!

I still can't raise much
sympathy for this devil,
because he smacked Claire!!

Though at least he stopped
Claire from killing Kate. Unlike
non-action Sayid.

Smocke sends Sawyer to
Hydra Island so Sawyer
can do some recon.

He visits the old
bear cage/sex pit which makes him
long for season three.

Also on Hydra -
a dozen new characters
who work for Widmore.

Um. Did the writers
get the memo that this is
Lost's final season?

Widmore's got a sub
and he brought sonic fences
and a padlocked door.

What's he got locked up?
Or should I say "who"? I bet
it's Desmond. Or Walt.

Sawyer promises
Jin they won't leave without Sun,
plans to steal the sub.

Haiku Review: Lost - Dr. Linus

In the other realm,
Ben Linus has to contend
with his dickless boss.

He could have power,
instead, he makes sure Alex
gets to go to Yale.

Richard's lost his faith
in Jacob. He heads to the
Black Rock. Dynomite!!!

Jack knows he's safe from
death, which has made him reckless
and kinda awesome.

Ilana boards the
Daddy Issue train: Jacob?
Her father figure.

Ilana learns Ben
killed Jacob. She forces him
to dig his own grave.

Smocke unlocks Ben's chains
says, "I'll be at the Hydra
Station. See you there!"

But Ilana stops
Ben, who breaks down and says he
regrets Jacob's death.

Ilana forgives
him, which is kinda crazy,
but to each their own.

Yay! Music montage!!
And Hurley hugs!! Heartwarming!
But now Widmore's back.

Haiku Review: Lost - Sundown

Huh. I figured with
a title like that, it would
be Sun-centric. Nope!

Instead, it's all 'bout
Sayid. He's a killer who
struggles with his guilt.

Just like every one
of the Sayid-centric eps.
I can't complain, though.

Sayid is still one
hell of a cool character.
Just don't piss him off.

On the island, the
battle for Sayid's soul is
under way. Let's watch!

Team Dogen (can't call
them Team Jacob...) start things off
by fighting Sayid...

...and very nearly
killing him, but then give him
a knife to kill Smocke.

So, yeah, Team Dogen's
continuing to stick with
confusion tactics.

Team Smocke's going with
(false?) promises and smooth talk.
Much more effective.

Smocke says deliver
a message for me, you'll get
to see your true love.

So Sayid tells the
Temple Others: "Come with Smocke
if you want to live."

Dogen's then all, "My
life story - let me give it
to you: Don't drive drunk."

And Sayid is all,
"Bored now." and drowns Dogen in
Resurrection Pool.

Then Smocke, in Smoke form,
goes through the Temple, killing
Others all the way.

But Smokey didn't
kill all the Others because
Lost loves it's extras.

Sayid joins Smocke and
his followers (Claire's there too)
as they head...somewhere.

In the off-Island
reality, Nadia
is alive. Hooray!

But she's married! To
Sayid's brother. Bittersweet!
Was a wish granted?.

After Sayid shoots
three goons (including Keamy!)
he finds Jin - chillin'.

Jin is tied up in
Keamy's freezer. He says, in
Korean, "I'm cool!"

Haiku Review: Lost - Lighthouse

Jacob, through Hurley,
gets Jack to smash some magic
mirrors. What's his plan?

"I've been on Craphole
for a while now. Know what
I've never seen before?"...

..."A big ol' honking
castle lighthouse?" Don't worry. I doubt
we'll see it again.

We get a nod to
Season 1 with the Adam
and Eve skeletons.

Still don't know who they
are, but at least the writers
know they still exist.

Clarie's been living in
the jungle with her "friend" for
three years now. Poor girl.

In that time, she has
gone batshit fucking insane.
To put it mildly.

She's put a boar's skull
in Aaron's crib. Insert "This
Little Piggy" joke.

Claire kills an Other,
threatens to kill Kate, and shows
Jin her "friend". - It's Smocke.

In the other realm,
Jack has a teenage son named
David. Oh, that's great. ...

...Now Jack can be the
cause of some daddy issues.
But, gasp!! Not so much!!

Jack is determined
to NOT repeat his father's
mistakes. Good for him.

Haiku Review: Lost - The Substitute

Reality X:
Locke gets fired (rightfully so).
Hurley rehires him.

Locke is engaged to
Helen, and they seem happy.
Can they stay that way?

I hope Helen's
aneurysm doesn't kill
her off. That would suck.

So, Locke is a sub.
He meets another teacher -
Benjamin Linus!

Ben's a history
teacher. Which means he should have
reports on John Locke.

On the Island,
Locke's body gets buried, Ben gives
a great eulogy.

Ilana tells Ben
Smocke can not take the form of
anyone else now.

(How does she know that?)
She takes Jacob's ashes. Bet
those will be useful.

Smocke and Sawyer see
a blonde haired little boy who
Richard does not see.

Richard tells Sawyer
"Smocke wants to kill you and all
your friends. Beware!"

The boy tells Smocke that
he "can't kill him". Smocke: "Don't tell
me what I can't do!!"

Smocke leads Sawyer down
a cliffside ladder, shows him
Jacob's graffiti.

Locke, Shepard, Reyes,
Ford, Jarrah, and Kwon all have
a Number by them.

Names not on the wall,
but should be: Austen, Dawson,
Rutherford, Vincent.

Smocke says Jacob brought
all ya'll here to take over
his Island duties.

"You have 3 options,"
Smocke tells James. "1. Do nothing.
See how this plays out...

...That would make for some
boring television, though,
so let's not do that.

Option 2 is - do
what Jacob wanted - become
Island Protector."

"Protect it from what?"
James asks. "That's the joke," Smocke laughs.
"It's just an Island!!"

"Option 3 - join me.
What do you say, James? Ready
to go home?" "Hell yes."

Haiku Review: Lost - What Kate Does

Why are Kate-centric
episodes so damn boring?
Guess that's What Kate Does.

What Kate Does - she runs,
butts in when she's not needed,
loves Jack... James... Jack... James

Specifically, What
Kate Does: In Reality
X, hijacks Claire's cab...

...then gives her a ride
to the adoptive parents
and the hospital.

Sure, none of it makes
much sense, but, hey! We get to
see Ethan again!

What Kate Does in the
other Reality is -
chase after Sawyer.

Not surprisingly,
the best parts had nothing to
do with Kate at all.

Sayid fails a test.
(But in his defense, he had
no time to study.)

Sayid's infected.
Just like Claire. Who is now a
Rousseau look-alike.

Haiku Review: Lost - LA X

Looks like this season

is "It's A Wonderful Life:

Island's POV"

In other words, what

if the Island wasn't there

during the Pilot?

Well, we begin to

find out. Looks like there are two

realities here.

Reality X:

In '04, flight 815

doesn't crash. Because...

...the Island is now

an octopus's garden.

It's under the sea!

The effects here were

supremely awful. I was

all, "Lost jumped the shark!"

On the flight, Jack talks

with Rose, saves Charlie's life, sees

Desmond's twin brotha.

On the Island, Jack

gets his ass kicked by James, who

also gives death threats.

Who else is on the

flight? Hurley, Kate, James, Locke, Boone (!!),

Charlie (!!) and Sayid.

Notoriously

absent: Shannon, Nikki and

Paulo, the Tailies.

We don't see Michael,

but I bet he's off looking

for Walt in first class.

Some things are the same:

Boone still sucks as a lifeguard

("Ocean crash? We'd die.")

Jin is sadly, still

a jerk.  Kate is arrested,

Hurley won lotto.

(Although Hurley says

he never has bad luck. So

that's a big difference.)

Locke's still wheelchair bound,

and Jack still wants to fix things.

Can he fix Locke's spine?

(question - did Jacob

not touch John, Jack, Kate or James?

Does Jacob "live" here?)

Oceanic lost

Jack's dad's body. They are the

worst. airline. ever.

Lots of things happen

on the Island, in the "real"

time line. Let's review:

Juliet dies a

second deaht, so James can feel

the loss once again.

Before she dies, she

hints James should "go then. There are

other worlds than these."

A recently dead

Jacob tells Hurley to get

to the Temple. Now.

At the statue, the

fake Locke becomes Smokey and

kills Ilana's men.

Fake Locke/Smokey (Smocke?)

tells Ben he wants to go home.

He's just like E.T.!

Tells Richard it's good

to see him out of his chains.

That's slashfic fuel, there.

Tells everyone else,

"I'm disappointed in you."

Jeez. Judgmental much?

The 70s group

gets to the Temple. Some more

Others are there. Like:

Secret Asian Man.

They've told us he's an Other,

won't divulge his name.

Also, Cindy, the

stewardess from 815.

And Zach and Emma.

The guitar case that

Jacob gave Hurley held a

giant wooden ankh.

Inside that was a

piece of paper. So it's a

fortune cookie, then?

Supposedly the

note says "if Sayid dies, they're

in danger. ....in bed."

The Others then hold

Sayid underwater 'til

he ceases to breathe.

Talk about sending

mixed signals. But then, Others

have always been...odd.

Hurley says Jacob

is dead. The Others spread ash,

shoot off some fireworks.

Dead Sayid wakes up.

"What happened?" he asks. Dude. That's

what we want to know!!